[la doctora]

I cry every day. Several times a day.

It is worse in the morning when I wake up and before I go to work. Upon waking I start sobbing uncontrolably. I have no idea why I am crying at that particular moment. Other than the fact that I hate my job and must go to it anyway. That's the only real trigger I can come up with. Most of the time I make it into work anyway. Sometimes temptation gets the best of me and I call in sick. I don't have very much sick leave to work with, however, and can't do that often. It is all I can do to pull myself together and go to work.

It is so hard.

As the day goes on things get a little easier. But I am so tired and sleepy and doped up from my meds (that aren't helping very much) that I cry because my life is so drab right now. Things aren't going my way and I can't stop crying.

T didn't give me any techniques to help. Just told me to try to incorporate something happy into my daily routine. It's so hard to do that when I'm so tired and want to sleep every free minute I get.

Do any of you cry every day too? How do you make it stop?

[perpetuallysad]

I have periods of time where I cry a lot. And I have periods of time where I feel like I NEED to cry and nothing will come out. I think those are the most frustrating times. But I do understand that its no fun to cry all the time.

Waking up crying seems like there is something deep down that is hurting you. Maybe since you are not so in control of yourself when you first wake up that is easy for your mind to let you cry? Do you remember what kinds of dreams you are having or what you are thinking about before you go to sleep?

Just a bunch of questions, but no answers... sorry.

[Lisa Michelle]

I have been through periods where I cry every day. I take mirtazapine, 40mg a day, and either that or my weight being healthy now (just recovered from anorexia) has helped me out of the depression, I feel ok now. I still suffer with anxiety and it's hard to go out, but the depression isn't really there.... so there IS hope. You don't have to feel this way forever and it's unlikely that you will.
If your meds aren't helping, try to discuss that with your doctor and see if you can try another one. There's no use taking something that doesn't work, especially when something else might work well for you.

Is there any chance of you changing jobs? Perhaps if it's not possible RIGHT NOW, you could start to make steps to make that possible at some point?
Do you know 'why' you hate your job? Is it the actual job, the people you work with? Perhaps if you understand those things you can find something that would suit you better.

My situation was different because I was living at home and had no bills etc, but when I was 16 I began working in a nursery, I worked there until I was 19, I felt I had to stay in the job because I was studying a qualification there and I thought I "had" to finish it, that I would be letting myself and my mum down if I quit.... but by the time I left I was SO ill with depression, anorexia and stress that I think I will possibly struggle with issues my whole life now. At 16, I began working and I hated it nearly immediately. The job was stressful, the people I worked with were horrid, and I just couldn't cope. I collapsed under the pressure of it all, I developed severe depression and anorexia. If I could go back and leave that job when I first started to slip, if I could tell myself "IT'S NOT WORTH IT", gosh, I would.
If your job is making you ill, if you're waking up and crying about the idea of going to work, maybe it is best for YOU to leave. Is it really worth being this upset? Are there other options? If there are I really urge you to take them.

You should disscuss it more with your T, ask for more strategies or ideas of how you can cope better with the stress. She's right that you would benefit from fitting something into your life that you enjoy, but I know sometimes it's hard to fit it in or to have the energy. You should definately push the meds thing if they are not working though, just a small tweek could help you to feel better.

[shaggy dog]

I would do the same thing la doctora. I would spend the whole car ride to work just crying my eyes out. Then I would excuse myself to the restroom during the day where I would start crying again. I learned from my experience that it wasn't the job I hated rather I resented going to work period. I have since made peace with work because I need the money. Don't know if this helps or not, shaggy

[la doctora]

Yes I know why I hate my job. Let me explain.... I am a veterinarian. Wanted to be one ever since I was 3. Never doubted it at all. Got through school almost unscathed. I developed Cyclic Vomiting Syndrome (super long story) around my senior year of vet school. My health deteriorated to the point where I knew I couldn't be a good doc if I was sicker than my patients. I made the decision to take a job working for the government to have a stable schedule and of course the health benefits.

I work in a slaughter house. I have to look at all these animals, determine that they are healthy, and then watch them be slaughtered. I have to do this to ensure that the animals are handled humanely during the process. I also ensure the food supply for my fellow citizens is safe. I know these are things that have to be done, and that they are very important jobs, but I don't feel that God made me to be able to handle this. All I can think all the time is that all I do is watch animals die when I want to be helping them to live. It is truly deeply affecting me.

Also, I have done this job for the past 3 years since after graduation from vet school. "They" say that the first year out of school as a new vet is the most important bc you learn much more than you ever did in school in that first year out. I didn't have this year to reinforce my education. So, if you don't use it you lose it, right. Well that seems to be what has happened. I have been heavily medicated over those three years. Couple that with the fact that all my school info is slowly fading from my memory each day that passes and I have pretty significant memory loss. I feel like I have forgotten every thing I learned in school. I am extremely anxious and nervous about finally being a practicing vet. I have forgotten so much! What if I screw up bc I forget something super important. I know that I will lose animals but I never want to be the cause of that from some stupid mistake I made.

I actually am hoping to change jobs soon. My contract for this job is up next month. I can quit after that. We live half way across the country from my family so we want to move back home. The vet that I worked for through high school and jr. college wants me to work with him. He says it is fine that I have forgotten every thing and he will train me. He says I will know more than I did in vet school in 6 months. I sure hope so... I have accepted the offer, but we have to sell our house before we can move. We have had the house up for sale for 4 months already and haven't seen much action. I know the market is bad for selling right now and the lack of lookers has really discouraged me. Everyone wants to rent or have owner financing but we can't do that as we will be living too far away to keep an eye on the place and make sure it isn't trashed.

So there is light at the end of the tunnel, but also extreme anxiety about the change as well. And I am terrified of how long we have to stay here bc of not selling our house.

Also we hate where we live and have no friends to hang out with. We are isolated from our friends and family and we can't wait to move away from this place. I don't feel safe here (we live next to the border)....

[shaggy dog]

Wow the circumstances you work under right now sound awful. I really feel for you and I hope that light at the end of the tunnel gets closer everyday. shaggy

[Lisa Michelle]

Thank you for explaining your situation more - it makes total sense to me that you're not happy in your current job and that it's drastically effecting your mental health. I know it is not happening right this minute, but I am so pleased to here you have steps in place to change all of this! I really hope the sale of your house goes ok and that you can move and get your new life rolling soon.
The new location/house coupled with the new (but also old) job sounds excellent. I'm sure it's daunting but you will do great, I'm sure of it, and the guy who offered you the job obviously has faith in you. Anything you struggle with, he will help.
Hopefully this is the change you need. I really think it is. How can it not be??
You must be really excited to be being close to doing what you are 'meant' to do.
Try to hang in there, this right now is only temporary until the next stage - seems you have things figured out and I think the job change will do wonders for you, and you will begin to feel like YOU again, the you you want to be. You'll be doing something you can really feel proud about.
Lots of luck with the sale, keep us updated x

[ECHOES]

I am in a similar place. Lots of crying, sobbing. Not wanting to go to work. Episodes when there (carefully hidden in the bathroom stall).

I don't even have the energy to try to think about what to do about them.
Wears me out.

[SophiaG]

I wrote this thread on happiness, I think you should read it: http://alonelylife.com/showthread.php?tid=9383

[la doctora]

Thank you all for your replies and sympathy. It means a lot.

Echoes - I am so sorry you are feeling this way too. I certainly relate to your feelings. It really is so hard to be positive sometimes but I know that is the key to feeling better. I hope you are feeling better soon.

Lisa Michelle - I really am excited that a change is coming in my life. I have really wanted this for so long. I have been scared and ran away from things before and I know that I can't do that here. I have to at least try to be a good doc. If I don't try I will always wonder what it would have been like to practice and wonder if I would have been any good at it. The only true failure is not trying, right? I think I read that somewhere anyway... I will just have to be patient in the meantime until the house sells.

Sophia G - thank you for the link. I read the thread you wrote. It was a very interesting read and I am still trying to wrap my mind around it all. It sounds very similar to how my therapist helps me to see things. If I focus on the positive instead of the negative I can change the way I think about things and how I handle life. I do get it. It is just so hard to apply the knowledge.

I am feeling better today. The hubby and I are going to take a long weekend and go visit his family. Should be fun and relaxing.

Thank you all again. It really means a lot to know others care.

[shaggy dog]

I am glad you are feeling better today and I hope you get the fun relaxing weekend you deserve. shaggy

[la doctora]

Thanks Shaggy

[Skully]

I know how you feel, just know that you are not alone in this.

Hello, la doctora. When last did you see a psychiatrist about your medications? You mention you feel all doped up. Perhaps a medication adjustment or change would be beneficial?

Sounds like you have a plan. I hope it works out well for you.

Be well.

[la doctora]

Hi Byz,
I have regular appointments. I just saw him a few weeks ago. He is aware that the meds are doping me up but he says at the risk of more fatigue we should still increase the dosage bc my depression is so bad and I was having destructive behaviors like leave work early, or not go to work. He has continued to increase the dose the past few visits and I don't seem to be doing as well as he thinks I should. I hope that eventually I will get used to the meds and not be so tired. If not, I may consider having him change my meds to see if something else is better for me.

Yesterday was bad for me but today has been really good. I am so thankful for the good days.

Skully, thanks and hugs to you...