[refactory man]

I have read alot of threads describing a sense of fraud or emptiness when they feel better on meds or not. Whan depression is what you are and all you know, I guess you could say that you miss it. When it's gone it could be scary to feel happy. Your old sad,grumpy, debilatating friend is gone. I guess a bad friend is still a friend. I know I feel these things. During the rare days that I feel good I think back and want to feel like crap again. I miss curling up in a ball on the couch screaming into the pillows. I miss hiding right in front of people. I miss the thoughts of uselessnes. I miss the thoughts of what things would be like if I were not around anymore. I guess you could say that I miss the pain. As of now I am still depressed as sh#t so I don't have to think about that right now. It's part of me and always has been the way that I am.

[Sabrina]

I can't say that I feel that I miss it or that I am a fraud though I do remember strong feelings of guilt when I recovered. I felt I really should still be depressed and I battled to realize and accept that I no longer was.

[Ygrec23]

Originally Posted by refactory man

I have read alot of threads describing a sense of fraud or emptiness when they feel better on meds or not. Whan depression is what you are and all you know, I guess you could say that you miss it. When it's gone it could be scary to feel happy. Your old sad,grumpy, debilatating friend is gone. I guess a bad friend is still a friend. I know I feel these things. During the rare days that I feel good I think back and want to feel like crap again. I miss curling up in a ball on the couch screaming into the pillows. I miss hiding right in front of people. I miss the thoughts of uselessnes. I miss the thoughts of what things would be like if I were not around anymore. I guess you could say that I miss the pain. As of now I am still depressed as sh#t so I don't have to think about that right now. It's part of me and always has been the way that I am.

Dear Refactory Man,

I've read an awful lot of posts here on PC but yours is (if memory serves) the first one celebrating the lost wonders of depression after a med has relieved you from it. I've been depressed (among other things) most of my life and after seventeen years of trying different meds, it's only within the past year I've a found one that works (for me) against depression. Considering my own experience, there's something in me that surrounds your post with question marks. Are you sure your med is working? Could it be that you're still depressed? If you've really become "un-depressed," how could you possibly miss it? Unless you're pulling our collective leg? Re-reading your post it seems as if things haven't changed for you and you're just theorizing about what might happen if your meds worked. I really wonder about your claims about what you do "[d]uring the rare days that I feel good I think back and want to feel like crap again." Frankly, it sounds like a strange kind of inverse boasting. Are you SURE there are days when you "feel good"? To me, it sounds very much like a masochistic way of "feeling good."

Whatever the reality may be, you do convince me that you're really troubled and need all you can get of PC help and the wonders of modern chemistry.

I wish you all the possible best. Take care!

[Mike_J]

I don't miss the pain, but when I'm feeling good I can't enjoy it as much as I should because I know the pain will be back. My depression is very cyclic goes up and down..

[estrella]

I'm not on meds at this point, but I will say that since I have usually spent time alone in a very bad attitude, it's odd being so happy. In a way, yes, you can say that, but I don't like to cry or think of certain things, so in another way, no.

I suppose depression can be addictive.

[refactory man]

Originally Posted by Ygrec23

Dear Refactory Man,

I've read an awful lot of posts here on PC but yours is (if memory serves) the first one celebrating the lost wonders of depression after a med has relieved you from it. I've been depressed (among other things) most of my life and after seventeen years of trying different meds, it's only within the past year I've a found one that works (for me) against depression. Considering my own experience, there's something in me that surrounds your post with question marks. Are you sure your med is working? Could it be that you're still depressed? If you've really become "un-depressed," how could you possibly miss it? Unless you're pulling our collective leg? Re-reading your post it seems as if things haven't changed for you and you're just theorizing about what might happen if your meds worked. I really wonder about your claims about what you do "[d]uring the rare days that I feel good I think back and want to feel like crap again." Frankly, it sounds like a strange kind of inverse boasting. Are you SURE there are days when you "feel good"? To me, it sounds very much like a masochistic way of "feeling good."

Whatever the reality may be, you do convince me that you're really troubled and need all you can get of PC help and the wonders of modern chemistry.

I wish you all the possible best. Take care!

Thank you for your response. I agree, I am still depressed. Feeling good and happy can be very different. As of now I am taking wellbutrin, remeron, abilify and dexidrine for ADD. I think that there comes a point when you just buck up and live with depression. I have tried every drug made for it. I like to call myself stable not cured. I can function fine. I can go to work and provide for my family. That seems to be my main goal at the moment. I will continue to see my doctors and keep trying different medications and hope that someday something will work. I know that I seem to contradict myself but depression can be confusing. What drug or drugs are you taking that finally worked? I must know. I am very happy for your success.

[Miracle1986]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

I suppose depression can be addictive.

I agree... you get so used to it that it feels odd when you don't experience it anymore.

[sanityseeker]

This is a timely post for me to find. I have been depression and anxiety symptom free for about a week now. After a year or more in the pit of dispair this is a welcomed change. I can't remember the last time I even had a day off from the pain and suffering of my BP et.al. symptoms until this break.

I am drug resistant (physically and psychologically) and nothing has changed in my life circumstances so I can not credit any identifiable influences for the sudden change. The fact that it happened so suddenly with no environmental, physical or behaviourlal indicator to credit just adds to the mystery for me.

I really would like to identify the trigger or reason for the sudden flip in my mood so I could aviod falling into the pit again. So far I have not flipped into any form of manic symptoms either but I can't help but wonder when this ride will fall off the rails one way or another. My history would suggest the level will tilt eventually. It is a little like living with a ticking time bomb with an invisible timer. I have read that episodes of depression get worse over time. My history would support that. Each episode over the decades of suffering have been increasingly longer and more severe. Same with the manic episodes in between. I just pray the respites can follow the same pattern and go on for a very long time.

In no way do I miss the pain of the depression or the strain of the anxiety but life does feel unfamiliar to me these days. I am becoming more and more aware every good day how much of my 'treatment' for the depression was through programmed behaviours. So much of my day when I am depressed is about protecting myself from stressors and stimulations that would manifest extreme reactions. So much of what I did was preventative or a coping mechanism. Now that I don't need those protections I can see how they had become automatic. I would routinely do things I don't need to do now. I would avoid things I don't need to avoid now. I have capacities I didn't have when I was depressed. I catch myself now when I automatically avoid or resist things without thinking about them. It gets a kind of chuggle or moment of celebration from me to realize how much more free I am now that those symptoms aren't controlling my choices and my actions.

In some ways it is like I am experiencing life again and it feels odd. My normal has changed. Depression was my norm. The last episode went on for so long that I think the accepted familiarity was a way of coping. Acceptance to avoid the pity party mentality, the sense of disappointment that would just feed my symptoms. I needed to accept my depressed life. I defined myself as depressed. I was a depressed person rather than I was a person who was depression. Big difference.

This life free of the depression; not controlled by anxiety, not on edge and defensive and frightened and consumed with mental anquish isn't as familiar to me after such a long stint in the pit. I am accutely aware of the change beyond the emotional elements free of symptoms. It is altering my identity day by day. I am getting in touch with myself again. My only fear now is that this is all a dream and I will wake up depressed again.

I don't know why I am well today nor how long I will be well and as each day tags on to another I don't know whether to be hopeful for a long, maybe even a permanent recovery or to wonder if my allotment of good days are running out. Tick tock tick tock. Because sleep is often when the trigger switch flips, according to my history, I still struggle somewhat getting to sleep at night. I don't want this peaceful dream to ever end.

No I don't miss the pain of the debilitating depression one little bit. I may in an odd sort of way miss the familiarity and predictibility of dealing with the symptoms a little because it protected me from disappointments and it excused me when I am unable to cope somedays but even that is a stretch.

I hope if and when the depression invades my life again that I can remember to not ever give in to the symptoms. To keep battling with the aid of whatever coping mechanism keeps me on my feet. To know that no matter what is challenging me my life has value and I always will have something to contribute to my world. And to keep my eye on the hope that a respite will come again.

Even depressed I can live a purpose filled life.

[sanityseeker]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

I suppose depression can be addictive.

lol... I guess that is what I was saying though it took me a zillon more words to express. Addictive.... good word for it. I woke today and did feel detached and after some thought I realized it was the lack of depression that had me feeling at odds with myself. I wanted to curl back under the covers and thought if I was depressed I might be more inclined to give in to the urge or at least be less able to resisting. Since I wasn't depressed it seemed less acceptable an options. Not sure that is legitimate because it is not always about choices in the moment but it was my thought at the time.