It's been a bad day

Actually, it seems like a bad forever with today just being particularly fresh on my mind. I am so sad and feel small and so completely alone. I wish I could curl up and have somebody hold me. But even though I feel little, I'm not really and there's no one who would hold me even if I were.

And I'm angry. Angry that I won't do anything to myself because I know it would hurt the people I love. Isn't it ironic though that many of them are the very people who hurt me? I wonder why I care about hurting them? It sort of seems to me that they'd deserve it.

And I'm even angrier that some accident doesn't befall me. That way no one would have the pain of my harming myself. I think a lot about how I could create one - be risky in my car, cut it a little too close in front of an 18-wheeler. But that could hurt innocent people and I don't want that.

What I need is an accident where no one but me is hurt. I pray desperately for it over and over again. If there is a god, he must not care.

I don't understand why we are put here not of our own choosing and then, in many ways, forced to stay.

(((((((((Jammerlich)))))))))))

Sorry you are feeling so bad. It will get better, but sometimes it seems to take forever to do so.

Please keep yourself safe.

Caroline

((((((((Jammer))))))))))))

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad. I will be available by pm all day if you want to talk. You have my email addy as well. I am here for you and want to help.

Please be safe. I care about you and so do a lot of others.

gem

Hi Jammerlich,

This is the way the illness talks to us, it's truly horrible.

Then, one day we are just sitting there, maybe drinking some coffee, or looking out of the window - and it's gone.

We do get remissions, we can recover. I know it's hard to believe now, but it won't always be this bad.

Peaceful thoughts, M

I too am sorry you are feeling so bad (it sucks ...) Please stay safe ((((((((((((safe hugs if ok))))))))))))

((((( jammer )))))

I think a lot about how I could create one - be risky in my car, cut it a little too close in front of an 18-wheeler.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. I wish I could help.

I have this same exact thought as part of my job includes driving a lot.

It's scary going over bridges too.

Please stay safe. Come here and talk.

Petunia

{{{{{{{{{{jammerlich}}}}}}}}}}

Hallo, - Hello
Wie gehts es ihen? - How are you?
Es tut mir leid zum ersten mal du bist nicht so gut! - I am sorry for the first time you are not so good!
Auf wiedersehen. Good bye.
Miss_A.

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jammerlich said:
And I'm even angrier that some accident doesn't befall me. That way no one would have the pain of my harming myself. I think a lot about how I could create one - be risky in my car, cut it a little too close in front of an 18-wheeler. But that could hurt innocent people and I don't want that.

What I need is an accident where no one but me is hurt. I pray desperately for it over and over again. If there is a god, he must not care.

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I think this is called "suicidal ideation" and is actually a pretty serious symptom that should be brought to your therapist/doc's attention ASAP.

As far as "no one but me is hurt" goes, that is impossible. I had a sister and close friend suicide and unless you live on a desert island you WILL cause endless years of pain to others.

(((((Jammer)))))) Just want to let you know that I am thinking of you! Hope you feel better VERY soon. Maybe you should talk to your therapist about this. Please be safe.
-Jen-