[Perzephone]

I'm a negativity monster right now - if you don't want anymore ***** 'n moan, read no further...

I don't really expect support from people online, which is why it makes it so easy to vent about the people in my non-'Net life...

I made what was for me a very big decision and I've taken active steps to go forward into that dark night... By big decision, I mean giving up on becoming a mortician & becoming a CPA instead. And I've put it out there - I don't expect the people I know to be able to read minds... but in the past two months, not one person has said to me, "Oh, don't give up, you're just in a rough patch right now. You'll see your way clear, the Universe will provide..." Not from my husband, the two people I consider my best friends, my work friends, my one remaining pen-pal... Not a single person in my 3D life has offered me any kind of encouragement or advice on how to break out of the rut & follow my rather ghoulish dream... And my husband has only offered rather lack-luster cheers - those only came when I showed him potential salaries of a CPA.

But what do I expect from sisters who didn't stop me from ruining my high-school grades & dropping out... friends who are currently whining about not receiving any support from anyone else... a husband who is still leeching off his parents & praying for a handout in the will... coworkers who can't understand why anyone would want to better themselves... or myself. I can't even encourage myself - I'm just kind of launching myself at school w/grim determination & clenched teeth, knowing I'll hate every minute of it. All 6 years of it.

It's no wonder I'm not all that interested in weight loss or healthy eating or lowering my cholesterol or getting more aggressive w/my high blood pressure - why prolong the misery any more than absolutely necessary?

[Miss_A]

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why prolong the misery any more than absolutely necessary?

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Depression is a choice!

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I don't really expect support from people online

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Then what do you expect?

It's a dog eat dog eat world,
just take care of yourself and others around you.
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I'm still keep asking myself "what am I looking for...?"

[Perzephone]

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Miss_A said:Depression is a choice!

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I feel this comment is a bit flippant - saying that having depression is a choice is like saying being born autistic is a choice.

[Overcastbutclearing]

If depression is a choice then I am more of a loser then I thought cause I am making a really crappy choice here.
Oh yeah, I am gay too...I suppose that is a choice too...right>?

[h0kie]

Disappointed...what a good word. Sometimes I feel very disappointed in what my life has become (it's no where near what I dreamed). At some point, I had to "mourn" my dream life and grab hold of the life I have. Some days, I'm in mourning mode again.

Depression is not a choice. It's asinine to believe it is. I don't think anyone would choose to have a mental illness. It's the equivalent of telling someone with depression to "snap out of it".

If I had to give up the career I wanted (and am currently trying to get into), I would be devastated. However, "being an adult" sometimes requires tough choices. Being an adult just plain stinks sometimes. How did you come to the decision to change career tracks? I'm sure you thought it all out and made an educated decision. Doesn't make it easier. Have you considered that maybe this IS just a rough patch?

No matter what you decide, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Things happen for a reason, even though we don't know why at the time.

[Hope4me2]

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[wisewoman]

No, depression is not a choice. It is an illness or disease frequently caused by chemical imbalance. As for giving up your dream to be a mortician. I would like to speak with you in great detail about this and what it entails. You are a good, strong person and you are sounding pretty practical to me.

[Perzephone]

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1dayatatime2 said:If I had to give up the career I wanted (and am currently trying to get into), I would be devastated. However, "being an adult" sometimes requires tough choices. Being an adult just plain stinks sometimes. How did you come to the decision to change career tracks? I'm sure you thought it all out and made an educated decision. Doesn't make it easier. Have you considered that maybe this IS just a rough patch?

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It's always about money. Nevada schools don't offer any kind of mortuary science courses. California, Arizona & Colorado have an outrageously high cost of living... The school in Oregon has criteria that exclude me w/my high-school drop-out GED & no pre-med classes... Minnesota is a 6-year medical bachelor's degree. Tried to live in New Orleans to go to school - but that was so pathetic. No one would hire me because I was 'over qualified', when I finally did get a job it was a minimum wage job where I ended up working 3 & 4 shifts in a row because I was the only dependable employee... and we just couldn't financially make it a year there to get residency so the college courses would come down in cost. I've researched most of the schools in the U.S. that offer mortuary science classes, the job opportunities, the residency requirements, and for the most part, it would be a repeat of the New Orleans debacle all over again. During the years that I actually qualify for Pell grants - well, the Pell doesn't cover room & board, food, car insurance, utilities, credit card bills, living expenses, etc. And I don't have any living relatives with money who would be willing to finance my educational ventures.

There's a song by Train called "I Am", and the line that seems to bear so much truth for me is when he sings "I've never had a day when money didn't get in my way!"

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No matter what you decide, I'll keep my fingers crossed for you. Things happen for a reason, even though we don't know why at the time.

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Thank you, 1day. I just get down sometimes. I know that being a mortician & caring for the dead would be right for me. There's peace and honor and purpose there for me - but probably not in this lifetime.