[imatter2]

I'm so fracking spent. Coming off Lexapro is by far the hardest thing I've ever, ever done (mentally speaking). It has thrown doors wide open that I never knew were there, and I never wanted to know what could be on the other side. But now they are open and I am paralyzed. I can't tell which way is up anymore, I don't know how to react to anything - what will be an over reaction, what won't be enough, you know what I mean. I don't have it in me to fight but at the same time I don't have it in me to be rational either. Kids, husband, dog, strangers - all cower before me. When we were young we thought that power would be fun right? It's not. Ruling through fear is not fun. It doesn't feel good and I don't know how to stop either. Lots of random yelling-ness. I'm unpredictable, and volatile, and mean, and tearful and frightened and small. It's all I can manage to get out of bed long enough to prep the kids' day and come home and go back to bed. Nothing is working right, in my head or in my heart or in my life. I feel lonely and abandoned even though Hubby is by my side. I don't know what to do with myself so I sit outside all day and I smoke. I can't read, I don't have any focus. I can't watch a movie, I don't have any focus. I can't follow anything with a plot. I can't even think 5 minutes ahead about what to make for dinner or to do a load of laundry. Self-hygiene? What's that? Thinking about water pinging my skin off the shower head makes me cringe. I do it as little as possible without becoming odiferous. It's too much. Everything is too much, everything. It takes 20 minutes to get dressed because I can't even make the move to open the dresser and pick a shirt. Breathing is too much. I don't know which direction to turn. Nobody gets it, I look OK outside I guess. I put up a good show. Even here most of the time. But I'm not ok, not at all. I don't have a pdoc I can trust or rely on anymore either. She's still my pdoc but I'm needing to find a new one, bad. You can guess how that's going. I am not thinking of S, I don't consciously want to die I just don't wish to continue. Does anyone here understand that? That distinction? Does it make sense in type the way it makes sense in my head? i dont' know. I dont' know what makes sense and what's jibberish. And i don't know who to talk to and even if I did, I don't know if I could.

See you in chat I guess.

[Rhiannonsmoon]

(((( (((( (((( ((((phrick)))) )))) )))) ))))

I'm so sorry you have dropped into such a deep depression. I haven't felt myself completely today so I hope this comes out right.

I don't know what is happening with you but the depression is obvious. On top of that your body or brain for a more appropriate word is probably still addicted to your pills. My partner went onto those after seroquel and he has got him self down to 5mg a day now. He said they were affecting him too much and didn't like it. But seems to be doing ok now.

I really wonder though how much of this is withdrawal and how much is depression? I think you need to discuss with your doctor if going off completely is the right thing to do, because from the picture you are painting I personally don't think it is. If I were like that I'd be onto my doc in a minute because I don't think being a staff sergeant is normal behaviour (unless you are a staff sergeant that is).

Good luck with this and if need be contact your GP if you have one,

Rhiannon

[Princess_Obsidian]

Greetings,

I hope you seek out professional help, such from a psychologist, if you haven't already. Though, even if you have, I hope you continue to seek guidance from such.

Stay positive!

Have a good one.

[Gus1234U]

Dear Phrick,, your unrelenting endurance and committment to your own self care are an inspiration to us all. and if that comes with a few mood swings, and your family can tolerate it,, understand it even,,, then please stop beating yourself up~!! I watch you be so adult and responsible to everyone, let you be one of the recipients of your mercy , as well as your anger. hoping for the very best for you!!!! your Friend,, Gus

[imatter2]

Thanks Gus - I kind of feel like I'm just an actor playing the part of "adult and responsible" most of the time! I want to do well by my family especially my kids, better than my parents did by me. It's rough. We talked last night, they and I, and i think we have an understanding going on now. Today has been much smoother so far. We'll see if it lasts i suppose.

Rhiannon - thanks to you too. I don't know how I sunk so far so fast either but you're right it's bad. No way to even pretend to try to think about denying it. I put Hubby in charge of figuring out what to do, whether we wait till Monday or call P's emergency line or what. I can't think so far ahead right now. Right now it's one step then breathe, then the next step, till the day is done.

Originally Posted by Gus1234U

Dear Phrick,, your unrelenting endurance and committment to your own self care are an inspiration to us all. and if that comes with a few mood swings, and your family can tolerate it,, understand it even,,, then please stop beating yourself up~!! I watch you be so adult and responsible to everyone, let you be one of the recipients of your mercy , as well as your anger. hoping for the very best for you!!!! your Friend,, Gus

Phrick-

I'm so sorry you are struggling. I've been there before. It's hellish. Don't feel afraid to call P's emergency line. It's okay to need him right now. I hope you and your P can get this all figured out so you can feel better. Let me know if you need anything okay? Hang in there.

Kat

[ECHOES]

Coming off the Lexapro can make you feel very raw. Feelings can seem heightened, when they are actual feelings not numbed (for a better word) by medication.
You are feeling your feelings again and that is something to celebrate! It's not easy, and it can feel scary, and it can feel like being in new territory with no map.
Give yourself plenty of time to adjust. And plenty of self appreciation for getting through this.

If you can, create a kind of schedule for your day. Do what you can from it and forgive and forget what you don't get to.

Drink a lot of water to help your body recouperate.