[silver_queen]

So... this past year I have been more or less living a lie at home, telling my dad that things are ok at university... no mention of depression, self harm, major problems coping with university etc. This year is my second attempt at university, since the first time I had to pull out since I was in a suicidal depression and was hardly able to do anything. Until I was hospitalized then, in Feb 2004, my dad had had no idea about my depression, and he put it down to me being a sullen teenager (at nineteen??) Anyway, it gave him a big shock and he found out about the depression and self harm as well.

"Why didn't you tell me what was wrong?" he asked me. For a start, I hadn't even known I had depression until about a month before my hospitalization. And even if I had told him, I doubt it would have helped since he believes that depression can be banished by will power and positive thinking. All last summer I wondered whether or not I was still depressed, uncertain about whether or not I was truly happy, and not telling him about those days when I felt down. Though I think a big pointer that says that I was still depressed last summer was that I was still thinking about suicide.

In September, I started university again and I was very pleased because this time I would be able to live in rather than stay at home and commute like I had the previous academic year. However my re-starting university had strings attached. "If you make a mess of this year like you did last year, that's it, I'm not paying for your university again. If you don't want to go to university, then I'm not paying for you to be able to swan around doing nothing." He expects me to go to university, get a First (highest class of degree qualification) and then go on to get a good job. I have also got high expectations from my other relatives I am in contact with, since I am the first person in my whole family to go to university. My dad also says that nobody is perfect, yet he seems to expect me to be just that .

By mid-October, the depression had come back and gradually worsened over the winter, though I was in regular counselling at university. I let assignments and classes slip by. After Christmas, my motivation and depression worsened and stayed quite bad even until I finished the academic year in June.

In July I got the results of my exams back: I had failed nearly all of my classes. Unlike in America, the rule at my university is that all the exams have to be passed before being able to get into the second year. So I don't know I will even be allowed back to university this year. the term starts in less than a month.

The big question here is: how to tell him all this? I'm undecided how I should explain it to him and I'm also frightened of his reaction. Things are really not going to be pleasant and I'm not sure how I'll be able to cope. I'm already SI-ing and his own anger and behaviour towards me will worsen my depression. Not only that but I will also have to cope with being at work (I work part-time in a supermarket in the holidays) and will have to act happy and whatever for the customers, which is really quite hard to do, especially when time drags by and a day at work feels like I've been working 24 hours. I could write a letter to him I suppose. The problem is that he interprets things as though I do things on purpose when they're by accident and he will probably think that: (a) I'm using depression as an excuse. (b) I don't care about university and i never cared, (c) I'm saying I'm depressed so I don't have to go to work and start earning money like everybody else, and instead leech money off him.

None of those are true but I can't help think that this time he might in fact withdraw all financial support from me. He's paying the accommodation fees. The full tuition fees are paid for by the local education authoriity because we are a low income household. I've earned money from working at the supermarket but if I had to pay all costs at university, it would involve taking out loans which are possible of course. But it would be his whole attitude towards me that makes things worse, he kind of 'freezes me out'. The rest of my family know not to upset him, but when I get in trouble with him, I have to live with him and it’s a rather upsetting experience, though I’m also more sensitive than the rest of my family too and feel hurt quite easily, which doesn’t help me.

Another thing that hinders me is my own denial of reality. I hadn’t realized it was this until I was talking with somebody a few weeks back and they gave how I’ve been feeling a name.The denial goes along the lines of just not believing things are happening, such as when I’m at university, not feeling that an exam is due to take place, and not feeling like I should be really there when I’m sitting in the exam hall. Consequently I feel very little anxiety about things like that. It’s also similar to a fog over my understanding of this summer, since although it’s about three weeks away that the autumn semester starts, it feels to me that summer will continue forever. My birthday is in November and it feels like it’s about 10 years away. This means it’s very hard for me to plan for things since even the next day seems very much in the future and nothing to be concerned about.

Anyway, if you’ve read as far as this, well done! You’ve probably forgotten what I asked by now, since I’ve wandered so far . I’d appreciate suggestions as to how to approach this problem, and how to cope as well. Thanks for taking the time to read this .

[Overcastbutclearing]

I don't have any answers...

(((((silver queen))))

I know this is difficult.

silver, is there ANYONE that you could ask to help you with this? perhaps be with you when you tell your dad. someone that he respects? it doesn't sound like another family member would be a good choice, but is there a minister, counselor, school official? and have you a counselor at school? if you have, have you talked to them about all of this? let us know, how you're doing. xoxo pat

[jmo531]

I agree with Pat. Having someone with you sounds like a good idea. I would also have lots of documentation regarding depression so if he has any questions you can provide that information to him. The documentation should be reputable (sp).

I really dont have any magical advice for you. I know what your facing is a very difficult and I am really sorry your going through this. Maybe if you try writing a letter to him and say all the things you want to say but not actually give it to him so you can say all the things you want to say with out forgetting anything.

(((((((((((((((((((Silver)))))))))))))))))

Please do keep us posted on this. I am so sorry I wasnt more help to you.


Love,


Jen

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((((((((((silver))))))))))))))))))))

i'm so sorry that you have to tell him at this point. please listen to the others and me when we say that someone needs to be there.

i would suggest a doctor. i would suggest you see one now for your depression and set something up to talk with your father together. a doctor is generally respected and hopefully might give him information and keep him on the calmer side.

is there a way that you can live on your own at this point? i truly hope you see the doctor for another reason, silver. i think you need medical/psychological help with this. i think it's time, sweetie.

much love and respect,

kd

[blackdragon]

are you on any medications? you should probly see your doctor and ask about medications or if your on meds talk about increasing the dosage. About your father you suggested writting a letter to him but as you say he interprets things differently and u cant help it how he interprets it. Best thing i feel is talking to him in person or over the fone and explain to him that you cant help it that ur suffering from depression. If possible you should get your counciler or doctor to go with you when you tell him. It gives them a chance to explain whats going on and gives him a chance to hear it from a professional. It worked with me and my mom. Your dad sounds alot like my mom. Probly the sooner the better in this case.

[dayzee9]

Yo........I agree w/ Blackdragon...................

Even though it was a long time ago & included many more "sticky" subjects (considering my "relationship" w/ my dad)He didn't want to hear it, but when he was in town & I happened to be inpatient paych; my PSYdoc, Daddy & I sat down for a 3 hour "chat" --- talk about tense!!!! It helped a little, but not as much as I had hoped for.

So, since I like to write alot I sat down half a zillion times; and tried to just "no bars hold" write my dad a letter; never intending to send it.......until after the 16,000,000 one!

I finally sat down w/ all these letters & picked out "the best of the best" parts from all; then had to "thin it out"

I finally did "mail it" (in one huge vanilla envelope) called him to tell him to expect a "letter" from me coming & to just "remember to read it several times" before we talked about it.

We finally got together for coffee in a outdoor cafe; in fall.......first, he yelled, I cried, he cried, he asked a lot of "why's?", I creid a lot of "I don't know's" We agreed to disagree, gave each other a big hug & parted ways.
A lot of work.....(whew!).......but, now....we at least understand in a "strange" way.............

My 5 cents worth!

[silver_queen]

Thanks for taking the time to write, ((((((((((((((( everyone ))))))))))))))))). I hope nobody minds that I thank you all collectively rather than individually. I appreciate your suggestions and support nonetheless.

Some of you have suggested that another person be present when I tell my dad about what's been going on. The problem with that is that there *is* nobody, or at least, nobody who is not impartial. We are a close-knit family and less than five family members keep in contact, and my dad has very few friends, and none visit the house at all regularly. I visited a counsellor regularly at university but kept it secret from him, so there is no way that things could be explained in that way.

The dr suggestion Kimmy made is very good, and I wish it could be done. But the problem is that in the UK, you have to be dying (more or less literally) for a dr to make a home visit, and I hardly know my dr at all anyway, it's not like he's an old friend.

The idea I like the most is writing the letter, especially since I have a great tendency to forget what I mean to say and forget my arguments when I'm talking with him, because I get nervous... and he's also pretty logical, so if I ever do score on an argument, he uses something else I'm not very strong on to argue his point. I'm not very good at arguing with him, I fall to pieces, so writing a letter would be the safest thing to do. But oh, returning to the house knowing that he has read it will be nerve-racking .

It has to be soon, though. He said that if I hadn't heard from my university by September, I should contact them. Of course they have been in contact with me, but he doesn't know that. It's going to have to be soon .

[wisewoman]

Hey Silver, I would guess your dad will be sad but then understand. You deserve to be treated well. You do know that there are loads of us in the U.S. who would love to have you come stay and teach us all of your disgusting, oh no, I meant different food habits. Just kidding. Can you make a god rice pudding? Okay, come on over, I will be waiting. it will be okay. Besides, look at all of the different people you have met here, all different walks right. Choose one and experiment and move on. Depression is a life-long adventure I am told. Please be well. I personally want to go see faver and Eski lover cause it's so different then where I live. Haven't ridden a horse in years but here goes!

[wisewoman]

Silver, I responded ealier without seeing the whole thread. I am sorry. For starters, depression is a physical illness. Also, you are at an independent age and can do what you need to care for your self. My Dear friend Jane taught me that higher education need not happen in the society routine but at our own rate as we were ready to learn and felt dtrong in our selves. Remember her? She just came to me to tell you this. Amazing huh, her own son did a lot of ski bum stuff before he was ready for school at what, 30? Be well my dear, I hold you tight.