[Distressed2010]

I am feeling extremely distressed. I saw a therapist for 3 months in US and now I've moved to a country where I can't really afford a therapist and at the same time, I don't trust the mental health system here. This is what I was diagnosed with in US:

1. ADHD
2. Depression

Here is what I'm having issues with:

1. stuck in the past, I also get stuck in my emotions when someone is rude to me.
2. I was sexually molested for 5 years by my brother in law who also manipulated me and at the same time got my sisters(i have 2) against me in order to isolate me. I told my mom this a month ago now that I'm almost 27 and her response was more of shock + "why didn't you tell me this before? " and now when I tell her how hurt I am at her response. SHe says " well, if you would have told me this earlier I could have done something. What do you want me to do now?"
This really makes me angry. Makes me feel like I don't have anyone to support me. I also told my dad, who emotionally abused me at the same time I was being sexually abused. Its really hard opening up to my family, no one wants to discuss anything, its usually criticism or covering up emotions/situations for them..

My mom also said that no one would believe me, only my parents would, which I believe is true…

3. My dad is extremely sick. He is almost bedridden after a few strokes and that disturbs me. He was also very emotionally abusive and controlling while I was growing up. As a child, he was my favorite and he always supported and protected me, but the moment I became a teenager, he started emotionally abusing me, which really confused me and I ended up isolating myself because I was in a dysfunctional family where at the same time I was being sexually molested, had really mean sisters, had my parents always criticizing me and telling me how i really need to change because my behavior is bad (but it was because my sisters were always mean and they'd always go make a huge deal out of everything I did to my parents.. such as, if i didn't want to share my cd with them, I was really bad and I didn't have a heart… etc..) and I was also not allowed to have any friends at all. I was so depressed while growing up.

3. Now that I'm older, I can't get away from the past. For years I carried the guilt and secrecy of the sexual molestation because I kept thinking I was stupid and it was my fault that this happened and now I feel angry that I got manipulated and I'm angry at my past, I'm also angry at the fact that I can't build close relationships anymore, I'm too scared to.

4. I also just exited a relationship where my ex was emotionally abusive and with him, I started feeling like I was losing myself. I am a very logical person and whenever I found out things he was doing wrong he turned it around on me saying "think about it. Your logic is so flawed. whats wrong with you?" He did this on many occasions and always had to make all decisions. He betrayed me and turned it around on me claiming me to be crazy. I actually did start feeling crazy, I started losing myself, I didn't know who I was anymore with him. I'm still getting over that relationship.

I also have anxiety issues, although they have gone down a bit after discussing with the therapist who told me I didn't consider my feelings because I was taught to take care of others feelings.

Now I have moved in with my parents for a little bit and everything just comes all back in my head. I just can't escape the past. ITS KILLING ME, mentally, physically, emotionally.

I am so angry at the following:

1. Why was I emotionally and sexually abused as an adolescent, its not fair!
2. Now I have problems with trust and intimacy, all because this man sexually abused me.
3. I can't build relationships or close friendships because I was never taught to, infact I wasn't even allowed to during my teen years, I felt so isolated. I've lived in so much isolation its started to kill me inside now and I just don't know how to change that. I don't feel comfortable when someone genuinly likes me (as a friend), it feels very odd..
4. I was able to have sex before, but now I don't think I like being touched. I've been avoiding it for a while... Actually, I've lost interest in bf/gf relationships but I'm not promiscuous either...
5. I feel like I have PSTD because I'm having lots of flashbacks from the sexual and emotional abuse but that also makes me more angry, why should I have all these problems because one psycho couldn't control his behavior?!

PLEASE HELP!

I'm so angry at the past and at the effect it has had on me now that I've grown up. I feel so alone and isolated. I don't feel like I can open up to anyone. My parents are extremely critical, they criticize everything in me, first I used to be super thin and I needed to eat, now that I have grown up and I weigh 150 for a 5'8, I need to lose weight… its like there's always something I need to fix about myself. I'm too emotional, I'm too this and that.. everything is just wrong with me all the time. Thats how they make me feel. What also makes me angry is that they instill a lot of fear in me. Everytime I try to do something they have fear about, where they're concerned about me, they put it in me saying "DONT DO XYZ or THIS WILL HAPPEN. IT Can happen, what will you do then". UGH! i just wished I had some support! I feel terrible!

[ECHOES]

if okay

What do you want me to do now?"

Your family sounds like my family. It sounds like talking about emotions isn't something your mom can easily do.
Tell her what you would like her to do. Tell her what you need from her, whether it is to comfor t you, to understand your anger, any and all of the things you want.

I had a therapist tell me that it made no sense to her that someone would not be telling her the truth when talking about things like this. Of course a therapist will believe you and can help you.

Trusting is hard, and especially would be hard in another country. Maybe you could give the mental health system there a try and see how it goes? It could be something very good and helpful to you.

[Vossie42]

Aw, I'm so sorry that you went through what you did! Childhood sexual abuse is so devastating. Not having a supportive, loving family makes it all the worse. It's no small wonder that moving back in with your parents has made things worse for you. I was in the same situation 12 years ago. I had to move back in with my parents for almost a year when I had mono really bad and couldn't work. They really beat up on me then too. They didn't believe that I actually had mono even after I showed them the doctor's report and my blood test results. Anyhoo, their home was a really toxic environment as is yours.

I tried to talk to my parents about my emotions and the pain I felt during childhood in a non-confrontational way. I really wanted to resolve things with them and improve our relationship. That got me nothing but more pain and re-injuring. Living with them totally undid whatever psychological progress I had made since I went away to college ten years before. Twelve years later. I've finally learned to not talk about my emotions to them, because they're not going to give me the support that I need. They're incapable of it since they've never worked through their own childhood issues. And it hurts too much to get rejected by them. I would have been better off if I had never turned on my hearing aids while living with them, lol.

Anyway, I just want to say I'm really sorry that you're in so much pain. It sounds like it enrages you that your parents inflicted so much pain on you and you're left to deal with the aftermath and find a way through. I feel the same way many times. If it's any comfort, everyone has to clean up the mess that their parents made of them.

[dawnhopeful]

Dear Distressed 2010,
I dont think looking back at your past is going to help matters. The past is gone now and looking at the past in the present is futile because we live in the present time. All we can do is live in the present , enjoying life moment to moment. Being afraid of the future is also counterproductive, because it hasnt happened yet. There cant be any fear of the future if you live in the moment .Take the example of drinking a lovely glass of water. You look at it and say "this is a beautiful glass of water. " You hold it up to the light and see how brilliant it shines. You are aware of each sip that you take. Finally you put the glass down. This is how you should live your life. Not every thing in life is pleasant, but you should surrender to the "suchness" of it. Sometimes we have thoughts in our head that are counterproductive. Like I often remember the terrible experience I had with an old PDOC from my past. When this happens I am aware that it is happening and I say to myself"not you again "! and I bring myself back to the present time. Watch the thinker in you ,as our thoughts can be negative and make us miserable.
I recommend you read Eckhart Tolle's books, especially the Power of Now dawnhopeful

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by dawnhopeful

Dear Distressed 2010,
I dont think looking back at your past is going to help matters. The past is gone now and looking at the past in the present is futile because we live in the present time. All we can do is live in the present , enjoying life moment to moment. Being afraid of the future is also counterproductive, because it hasnt happened yet. There cant be any fear of the future if you live in the moment .Take the example of drinking a lovely glass of water. You look at it and say "this is a beautiful glass of water. " You hold it up to the light and see how brilliant it shines. You are aware of each sip that you take. Finally you put the glass down. This is how you should live your life. Not every thing in life is pleasant, but you should surrender to the "suchness" of it. Sometimes we have thoughts in our head that are counterproductive. Like I often remember the terrible experience I had with an old PDOC from my past. When this happens I am aware that it is happening and I say to myself"not you again "! and I bring myself back to the present time. Watch the thinker in you ,as our thoughts can be negative and make us miserable.
I recommend you read Eckhart Tolle's books, especially the Power of Now dawnhopeful

Thanks for all the above dawnhopeful. Could you help me with another issue? Recently, I've been given the runaround by someone at a studio who needs to give me a CD and now he's got the receptionists lying to me telling me he's not there and its making me furious. I don't know how to deal with that anger and stay in the present and also figure out a way to deal with this. Its really making me angry. Could you perhaps provide me some feedback? i really hate being ignored, especially when i dont deserve it.

[dawnhopeful]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Thanks for all the above dawnhopeful. Could you help me with another issue? Recently, I've been given the runaround by someone at a studio who needs to give me a CD and now he's got the receptionists lying to me telling me he's not there and its making me furious. I don't know how to deal with that anger and stay in the present and also figure out a way to deal with this. Its really making me angry. Could you perhaps provide me some feedback? i really hate being ignored, especially when i dont deserve it.

When you dont live in the present every time a painful thing happens it lodges in your body. A painful memory is left behind.This pain merges with past pain and becomes your pain body. This pain body starts in childhood when you were subject to the assaults from an unconscious world. "when there is anger, there is always pain underneath"
So next time something happens to you look inside yourself and be aware of your thoughts and feelings. Be aware of the pain body which is being triggered. Dont judge your thoughts or emotions, but observe them (Emotions are the body's reaction to your thoughts.) Be aware of the silent watcher of your thoughts and emotions. You may be aware of an inner resistance to observing the pain body. If so watch the resistance within yourself and by watching it, it will cease.
Some people make an identity out of their problems Who would they be without their problems?
Dont complain about your situation, because that means you are not accepting the now.When you complain , you are making yourself into a victim. Once you accept the now, you can either take action by speaking out about it or accepting it as part of the "isness" of the moment dawnhopeful

[madisgram]

"yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery. we only have today."
you have what i call emotional triggers that get going when certain present day stuff happens that emote the feelings of previous bad feelings. it takes practice but you can learn to not react to those old feelings-bad tapes i call them. try to look at the present day situation objectively and respond once you've got the old tape suppressed. you can also learn to re-write bad tapes to good tapes but i used therapy to undo some of mine. it was easier with the help of a T., justme. hope this helps.