[Purplechick]

My father died of a heart attack suddenly 18 years ago. I was 19 years old. We had a complicated, acrimonious relationship at the time.

But even after such a long time, I still cry and feel so sad when I think of it and when the anniversary approaches, as it does now.

My concern is that I suspect it shouldn't still feel so raw and have thought this for some time............

I am currently suffering a depressive episode, triggered by difficulties at work, and the therapist I see for this seemed so shocked by the intensity of my emotions about my father when we talked about him at our last session and also when I told her that I have a ritual where I write a letter to him each year on the anniversary. She looked at me as if I was bit of a freak when I said this.

Is this really odd?

This has prompted me to post cos I am interested in finding out if this is "OK" or should I be over it by now. If so, how do I "get over it" and feel less troubled at this time of year.

Any advice would be gratefully received. To feel less pain would be such a relief so any way to ease my sense of grief would be a blessing.

[sundog]

Hi purplechick. I definitely do not think you are a "freak" for feeling this way. And I'm sorry if your T made you feel like you were odd. I can understand how grief could remain very intense for many years. Especially since you say your relationship with your Dad was difficult and acrimonious at the time. Plus he died very suddenly and you were still very young. I'm really sorry for your loss
Personally I think that writing your Dad a letter each year is a wonderful thing to do. I lost my Dad a couple of years ago and I buy him Birthday cards and Father's Day cards each year and put them on a little table I have created for him (with photos and candles and such). This is something I intend to continue doing every year. I don't think it's odd. It's something I want to do and it feels like a way to honor my Dad's memory.

Grief is really complicated. I don't think it ever ends. It just changes. I don't know.....I guess I'm still in the early stages because my Dad only died two years ago. It still really hurts and I'm sure I will carry this pain with me for the rest of my life. I don't know how to make it easier. I guess I try not to think about it too often. But, as you say, that's very hard, especially around anniversaries.

Do you have any other close family members who you can talk to about this? I am very close with my Mom and it helps me to talk to her about my Dad and about my feelings of grief. She understands better than anyone. I hope there is someone in your family you are close to who you can share your feelings with.

You say that you are going through a depressive episode right now. That would definitely make your feelings of grief more painful. Are you getting any treatment for your depression?

Keep talking to us! You are definitely not a freak! ((((((((Purplechick))))))

[madisgram]

i agree with sundog. and no, you are not a freak!! i do think tho the depression has intensified your feelings about this. i'm shocked your T had the reaction you posted. clearly this is something that you could benefit from working on in therapy. i'm at a loss...as i am sure you were too. but no, your loss is real to you. that is what counts.
i lost my father many years ago and sometimes a song or something will trigger my sadness that he's gone. i still miss him but over time i have become more comfortable with his not being here. in my case he was my best friend. i know i was fortunate to have that relationship with him. i went into therapy after he was 6 months gone cause i knew i needed help. i was about your age then when your dad died.

[dil5077]

HI chickie (may I call you that?)

I want to assure you this is not odd. While it does seem that you have some rituals around the anniversary, something in this works out the grief for you. I hope the look your therapist gave was more of interest in this news not that you are a freak - you are NOT!

I had an odd grieving situation around my mother...a hardcore alcoholic who was institutionalized in 1991 after her last binge. She died 2008. In those years, out of the blue, I'd find myself grieving the loss of her while she was still alive (but unreachable due to the brain damage). I learned to let it come and it would - doing the dishes (my partner loved those times...he'd walk out of the kitchen and return to find my in tears scrubbing the pots), seeing a woman who resembled her at the store. I'd usually cry & nap afterwards.

There were no rulebooks, only instinct.

And even now, writing about her, the grief is keen. I always think grieving is cleansing. For me, feeling the grief keeps depression at bay. The depression seems to have no home. Sure, it's a downer, but somehow that is not my experience of depression. I hope it is the same for you.

For the first time this year, Mother's Day & her birthday were not grief triggers for me. So I can tell you things do change, and I hope you can talk about this more with your therapist.

Stephen

[Rohag]

Hello, Purplechick! Sundog and Madisgram have offered you wonderful responses. You don't need mine. But, being in the mood to post, here it is:

On the one hand, my father passed over two decades ago, and I still mark the anniversary with a simple ritual.

On the other hand, it appears the intensity of your emotions are significantly greater than mine (which are dulled by my depression and medications).

Grief is a deeply personal experience. I would never judge the duration or nature of your grief. What is important is how the grief affects you. If it makes you uncomfortable or interferes with your daily life, then that is something to "work on", perhaps guided by a sympathetic therapist -- if available.

May all your tears be healing tears.