[ohmindy]

I am 30, overweight, in debt and have no degree. I remember feeling so full of potential. Although I have been battling depression since at least middle school, I used to have energy to fight back, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'll probably never have kids. I'm too poor and getting older. I can't imagine attracting anyone to love me, as I find myself disgusting. I don't have a passion to pursue or interests to even distract myself.

I quit smoking three weeks ago after a 14 year habit. I want the distraction and stimulant of smoking, but now that's too gross for me to go back to. I have found nothing to replace it.

I eat to feel something, but it's my loneliness that cripples me. I have friends, but they forget about me all the time. The friends that I've talked to about this told me that I expect too much out of people. The worst part is that I used to be a better friend, but now I have low expectations for myself in that regard as well.

I feel like life keeps telling me to lower my expectations and when I finally do, I haven't gone far enough. What's the point?

[Ithurts]

Originally Posted by ohmindy

I am 30, overweight, in debt and have no degree. I remember feeling so full of potential. Although I have been battling depression since at least middle school, I used to have energy to fight back, but I don't know what to do anymore. I'll probably never have kids. I'm too poor and getting older. I can't imagine attracting anyone to love me, as I find myself disgusting. I don't have a passion to pursue or interests to even distract myself.

I quit smoking three weeks ago after a 14 year habit. I want the distraction and stimulant of smoking, but now that's too gross for me to go back to. I have found nothing to replace it.

I eat to feel something, but it's my loneliness that cripples me. I have friends, but they forget about me all the time. The friends that I've talked to about this told me that I expect too much out of people. The worst part is that I used to be a better friend, but now I have low expectations for myself in that regard as well.

I feel like life keeps telling me to lower my expectations and when I finally do, I haven't gone far enough. What's the point?

I know this feeling. I've struggled with depression since I was about 8. You are very low right now I can hear it. Are you on medication?

[Elana05]

Hi ohmindy,

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down right now.
Hugs.

Have you ever talked to a therapist?

E

[lynn09]

Hello, ohmindy. Most of us who struggle with former abuse, depression, ADHD, etc., are all too familiar with the cycles and the difficulties forging close relationships that you have described.

All abuse is intended to damage your self-esteem - to make you believe that you don't deserve to have or be treated any better. This prevents the victim from developing healthy self-image, boundaries, and goals, and makes the victim dependent upon the abuser for validation which, of course, is always withheld by the abuser in order to control the victim and give the abuser easier access to the victim.

So, the first thing you must do is develop good self-esteem and healthy boundaries for yourself; in other words, your primary relationship must be with yourself. You must become the person that you would like to have a relationship with - become good company for yourself so that you are not at a loss when others are not present or available.

Whenever you look to others to validate your self-worth, you are giving them power and control over you - giving them power to define your identity and assign value to you - power and authority they have no right to wield over you. You alone define your own identity and determine your own destiny.

Try to shift your perspective a bit and be more concerned about where and whether others fit in your life, rather than asking others to fit you into their lives, especially since you might not like where they put you. Be your own best friend first, then you'll have a better idea of what qualities to look for in others for you to consider them "friend" material. I can assure you that you will have many, many more acquaintances in your life than true friends - it's about quality, not quantity.

Life is full of potential - you have the opportunity every moment of everyday to modify and re-create yourself - to choose who you want to be. So, if anything, set your expectations of others higher, not lower, but change the nature of what you expect of them - don't burden them with the responsibility of defining and judging you. You need to surround yourself with the very best people you can possibly find (honest, patient, understanding, compassionate, trustworthy, supportive, etc.) in order to provide yourself the best possible environment for healthy physical and psychological growth.

I hope you are feeling better very soon. lynn09

[sundog]

Hi ohmindy! Welcome! First of all WELL DONE for quitting smoking!!! That is a HUGE ACHIEVEMENT!!!! Please give yourself some credit for that because it's a really important thing that you've done for yourself!!!!! When we're depressed, it's SO easy to discount all our achievements so I'm here to remind you that quitting smoking is a FANTASTIC thing!!!!!! Well done!

I do understand about emotional eating. Many of us here do. And I think that working with a therapist can be very helpful in this regard. I hope that's an option you can explore. Also, I love Lynn's response. What she says is so true!

I'm glad you're here and I hope you'll keep talking to us! Please don't lose hope. Things really can get better!

Wishing you all the very best.

[REINE D AMOUR]

hi ohmindy ,you are welcome on pc ,dear you are not ald 30 y omg you are still young and your weight is not a big deal ,you are down right now but of course you can find a good lover and a good job it is a matter of time .

[Alesis]

Ohmindy,
As others who have responded to your post, I can feel your pain and desperation. Words, I know may not be enough to pull you out of your desperate state. Activity toward something you want for yourself can change how you feel. If you don't have a therapist, please try to find someone that will listen and advocate for you. Creating what you want out of life- to love yourself, someone else, and have a family can move faster with the help of a professional.

You write well, and that is one skill that you can use to get a job. Just using that one skill-the skill that you have with words can be a starting point.

Take care of yourself today and keep posting.
Alesis

[Gus1234U]

{{{ Ohmindy~}}}} let me just say that i remember feeling all those things you say,, friends eventually abandoned me, i was such a bummer,,, lost jobs, family tired of me not being able to laugh, or even go out,,, but somewhere in there, i made a decision, that i was gonna get better, no matter how little i did every day, no matter how long it took,, (and it did take a long time) ,, but now i'm in such a better place, and i believe you can get here too. what is important is to out live the depression, don't let it drive you to some rash act~! and yes Congrats on stopping smoking,, and go ahead, spend some of the money you save on really Good Food, food that's good for you,, you will be amazed at how soon things start to taste so much better~! and if i might be so bold, try to take up a little hobby that uses your hands,, like jigsaws, or knitting, or whittling, or anything, painting, drawing, writing, you think of one,, that Produces something you can look at and point to, and say "I did That~!!" wishing you all the best,,,, Gus