I am worthless

I feel rotten. I vented at the wrong time. I should be shot. I am sorry lexicon78. I guess the best thing to do is take this user name away. I should just leave. Go back to the hole were i can from. I dont have any right to be here at all. If docjohn reads this i am fully willing to give up my name here. I am just that worthless to everyone here. I am worthless to this world. I know this is depression and its not suppost to be a suicide post but right now it doesnt seem that bad wanting to die. I know it will get beter. or at least it should. But im so worthless right now that i can see.

I wish i was dead right now... Cause it would be the best for you all.
But i wont die. why? Cause the goddess up there wont let me. So i will continue to live. Just as an invisible person.

You did nothing but vent...there's no harm in that. I don't like to see arguing, that's all. I want you to stay with us, no matter how stubborn or how others react to you. I was merely annoyed when I saw the arguing in chat.

Please do not leave. I cherish everyone in here, including you.

i'm sorry that you're in such a depression. your life has value, don't forget that. everyone is valuable...xoxo pat

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Black dragon}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

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blackdragon said:
I feel rotten. I vented at the wrong time. I should be shot. I am sorry lexicon78. I guess the best thing to do is take this user name away. I should just leave. Go back to the hole were i can from. I dont have any right to be here at all. If docjohn reads this i am fully willing to give up my name here. I am just that worthless to everyone here. I am worthless to this world. I know this is depression and its not suppost to be a suicide post but right now it doesnt seem that bad wanting to die. I know it will get beter. or at least it should. But im so worthless right now that i can see.

I wish i was dead right now... Cause it would be the best for you all.
But i wont die. why? Cause the goddess up there wont let me. So i will continue to live. Just as an invisible person.

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Hi,

I know, really, really know how you feel. I'm amazed you were able to write this at all, when I get that bad, that low, I have trouble doing anything. It takes a major amount of effort, of energy to even call one of my lifelines, posting is something outside my abilities.

Venting is a good thing, a healthy thing. I had an attack just over 48 hours ago, one I didn't think I was going to survive. It started with me saying good night to my roommate thinking it was the last time she'd ever see me.

It started with this calm, cold, almost peaceful certainty it was to be my last day on earth, that I'd be seeing my brother and other family members in the summerland shortly. I put an entry in my diary that laid out the things at the top of my list, how bad the day had been and why.

I called my therapist, well her voicemail, and cried into it for two minutes in agony. I was spiraling downwards, and rapidly losing what was left of my furry little mind. I was in so much pain, it was physical, and eating me alive, I thought my heart was going to explode killing me in the process.

I managed one more call, because and I still don't understand what exactly I was thinking, I didn't want to wake up my roommate because she had to go to work in a short handful of hours. So I called my sister in Colorado, also because she and I are very close and she understands me and depression. She's been trying to get me to see how much trouble I've been in for the last ten years. She finally convinced me I need meds and I've been on them for almost a month.

She, as she's done so many times in the past helped me back to enough stability that I knew I'd be around in the morning, I still felt like crap, and still wanted the pain to end once and for all, but I was in enough control to survive. I'd come way, way to close and thought the meds had failed me utterly since that was how it felt.

I'd made one huge mistake, I'd started on a low dose of meds, and didn't see the warning signs that it wasn't enough. Compounding the issue was my monthly cycle, which at times makes the depression seriously, dangerously worse which was the big thing that convinced me to go on meds in the first place. My doctor wanted me on the higher dose, so now two days later, cycle and all I'm stable again.

It was utterly terrifying. I was certain the meds had failed me and that I was never going to find my way back. I'd thought my mind was gone for good and I was sure what was left of my life would be this constant insufferable pain. For two days after that, well a bit longer since I'm still not fully back even now I was toast. It's been three days on the higher dose of meds now, and I can see how far off I'd actually gone.

I don't understand it, I don't like it, I'd always counted on my mind as the one constant in the universe that would not, could not fail me. My husband and in-laws had taken everything from me, and have been working hard with the help of a world not setup (I thought) to understand or help me on taking my mind too. I'm alive now because of my sister and modern medicine, the pain is still there it's just deadened some, enough to make it tolerable for the moment. The stressors in my life have not changed, in fact the only thing literally that has changed is my mind.

Venting while I was in what at the time felt like unending, life threatening pain helped me hold on, well that and the simple fact that I was close to passing out by the time I got off the phone with my sister 5:00 am Saturday morning. The human body and mind can only take so much pain by they pass out from fatigue.

I still cannot believe how fragile I am, how quickly I found myself deep in despair in danger of something I'd now regret. I'm amazed and frightened by the fact the my mind could be stripped from me so easily, so completely, in minutes. I'm terrified by how long it seemed like it felt so bad, and how short a period of time it really was.

The higer dose of meds is slowly starting to help, in the meantime with the help of my lifelines, and writing, and talking about things I'm holding on until my meds kick in fully. My sister (who has a great deal more experience with this than I do) assures me that meds are not perfect, and until I get this darkness out of my life, out of my heart, mind and soul, there are going to be days like this.

I've had to go back to keeping a calendar with little red dots so I'll know, more or less, when my cycle is coming around again so that I can try to prepare some. Now i don't want to use it as an excuse, or perpetuate a modern myth that's blown all out of proportion, but there is a frightening amount of truth to the terrors of it being that time of the month.

Sometimes it is just so hard, so bad that I think finding the bits inside me that do that and having them surgically removed would be a good idea. I'm 41, realistically by the time I'm in any position to have a family of my own I'll be to old to have my own children, so why do I still need those bits anyway?

Oh, my, I've been babbling on for some time now haven't I . . .

This is my long, long winded way of saying vent all you want, do whatever you need to so that you'll be able to survive, hang on for another couple of days and let people help you. You are NOT worthless, you are a wonderful, beautiful person and you have every right to be here.

I KNOW your pain, I've been there, time and again . . . There is NEVER a wrong time to vent! If it helps keep you around, vent away!!! I know how much it helps, and I know how hard it is being that down. I also know looking back I'm amazed I'm still here, thankful for my sister and the other people in my life working hard to save it. I'm also thankful I did NOT succumb to the pain, because right now, not even back at anything close to 100% I still cannot see what had me ready to go.

Honestly that scares me every bit as much as the other fears and pain I have to deal with. I've made a recording of myself talking in a calm, soothing voice about how dark it seems, how pointless, and how it's NOT real. I've put it on disc, given a copy to the people close to me, so that goddess and god forbid I wind up there again I can hear myself reassuring myself that it only feels real and to hold on.

I may not be able to give birth to my own children, but there are thousands of children out there looking for a loving home, and a mother to make chocolate chip cookies for them. I want to get to the point in my life where I'm a survivor, where most of this is in the really distant past, not continuing to haunt my life. A place in time, in space, when I can stand proud and strong, protecting, nurturing and watching my children grow. Giving them the love and safety I never got, helping them grow into wonderful young people who can go out in the world and NOT wind up like me.

I cling to that and so many other dreams, and my family. If venting helps then it's never a bad time to do it. I hardly know you, but I KNOW I'd be very, very sad if you left us the wrong way. You belong here everybit as much as I or anyone else does. You are not invisible, you are not worthless, you have done nothing wrong!

((((BD)))) Isn't it great that we are all human, and therefore NO ONE gets "shot" for mispeaking etc on the internet! (Or, I'm afraid, there would be noone to be on the internet.

This is one of the reasons to be on this site: to learn as safely as possibly how to interact, regardless of our feelings. It's hard work. Hang in there!

blackdragon, you are not worthless...if a hundred dollar bill is lost it does not lose its' value..it is still worth the same, and so are you...sorry you are feeling so badly about expressing yourself..just the fact that you feel terribly shows you care..and you did not come from a hole, though at times like this it feels like we have...quite frankly, I think that you have tremendous worth here....

I appreaciate all the posts in response. im glad some people dont see me as worthless. Whish i could see my self of value.. even the value of a penny. Im much better tho. The big "S" has gone away but i still feel bad for what happened. I knbow i should of never reacted that way. I am sorry for everything..

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blackdragon said:
I appreaciate all the posts in response. im glad some people dont see me as worthless. Whish i could see my self of value.. even the value of a penny. Im much better tho. The big "S" has gone away but i still feel bad for what happened. I knbow i should of never reacted that way. I am sorry for everything..

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Hey Kayla, YOU are NOT worthless!!! God and Goddess loves you and so do I. You're worth way more than a penny and while yes there is a place for both of us in the summerland, getting there too soon harms us and the people who love us. I wish I knew what to say, what to do 'cause then we'd both be better!!!