[MsNiteOwl]

And I'm not sure if I ever will . . . but here goes.

My depression comes on me with no rhyme or reason. I'll be going along living my life, doing whatever I want to do or need to do and things are ok. Then, out of the blue . . . I'm miserable. And suddenly I am totally down on me, totally lonely, totally feeling like I'm a waste of air. And it's suddenly like that black cloud attaches itself to me and pushes everything else out of my mind and my life.

And then just as suddenly . . . it's gone. I'll do something tiny or have a thought of something very mundane, or I'll take a nap, or just anything and the black depression cloud has disappeared. And the bad thing is that I've tried to notice what I do that makes it go away so I can use that next time . . . ain't happening! If I try to do it . . . it's doesn't work. Totally!

Is this the way depression happens for others? It's been doing this to me for at least 20 years, altho I know I've experienced depression since I was a teenager (over 40 years ago).

Nope, not on meds for this. Not in therapy. Been there, done that, absolutely no $$$ to try again. NONE. And no, I'm not eligible for any help. And I really don't care to try again, because none of that helped before.

I guess that's enough sharing to get me started. If this gets approved, maybe I'll share more.

And by the way, I know it's with the best of intentions and what you may think is the right thing to say, but please, please, please don't start on me about needing to go get drugs or therapy or assstance to do those things. I know my situation . . . you don't. It didn't work before with numerous tries and there's no way for me to financially try again if I wanted to...which I don't. Thank you.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, MsNiteOwl!

Originally Posted by MsNiteOwl

My depression comes on me with no rhyme or reason.

Your experience of depression is mostly different from my own. Nevertheless, my observations are that at least some depression sufferers do experience rapid-onset and rapid-termination episodes.

(No need to answer: ) From the time you first notice it, how quickly does your depression engulf you -- hours, minutes? Seconds? Does the depression lift just as quickly?

Also, you might consider asking about this in the Bipolar Forum.

[justfloating]

Hi MsNiteOwl, welcome to PC

It happens to me too. I started out with one long episode of depression (a year, maybe a year and a half) and then since that lifted I get sudden onsets of depression that disappear just as suddenly, usually for no perceivable reason, like you describe.

I've tried figuring out what works and what doesn't until my head hurts, and sometimes things that have worked before don't work again, which is really frustrating, so I know where you're coming from. I just try to take care of myself regardless of whether I'm depressed or not -- eating well, getting fresh air and exercise, taking time to relax -- and I can't say whether it helps lift the low spells at all but I think in general it reduces their frequency. Also, the absolute BEST thing I can do when I have those low spells is remind myself that I've come out of that dark cloud before, and I will do it again. Depression warps my perception to the point that I start thinking I'll NEVER feel better and I NEVER have, and I've found it helps to remind myself that I do have good days and there will be more to come.

Maybe you could start a mood chart to help you keep track of how you're feeling and maybe pick out patterns over longer periods of time? Nothing dramatic, just a score of how you're feeling -- 1 being no depression and 10 being the worst you could possibly feel -- once a day. Maybe if you can track your depression over a few weeks or even months you might be able to relate your moods to something that goes on in your life around the same time.

It also really helps me, on my down days, to come here to PC to remind myself that I'm not alone in how I feel, and maybe just to vent a little. I'm glad you found the website and I hope you keep us posted on how you're doing.

[MsNiteOwl]

Hi Rohag,

I've never had any suggestion of being bipolar, even from the many therapists and such I've seen.

How soon from the time I notice the feeling til it engulfs me? When I notice it. It isn't a gradual thing...it's a wall I hit. And it exits the same way...poof it's gone.

Rebecca,
You sound a lot like me. My worst depression was about 15 years ago when a major trauma threw me into it head first. Big time suicidal...totally unable to function or think straight...the whole package. Since then it comes and goes.

I'll try to keep a mood chart. But a lot of it follows the schedule of that old trauma, with extras thrown in whenever. At some point I thought it was maybe hormonal, but it's too often for that. If it was only 1x a month, I'd almost be happy, compared to this. 15 years is too darn much.

[Nice52]

Hi MsNiteOwl
I,m sure you're not alone. I remember walking to work one morning and wondering what was wrong-I felt happy! Kept trying to work out why because it felt so good. So used to being down that sudden happiness/normal feelings are strange.Over the past few years it's happened again-never the same way- and it doesn't last. I'm very good at pretending to want to be alone so that no one really knows how bad I feel, so when I tried to talk about this I feel even worse. Today is almost a good day for me, hope it is for you too.

[MsNiteOwl]

Nice52,

Thank you for responding. I find myself almost afraid to say it when I feel I may be having an OK day, cause it seems like as soon as I realize it's a good day, or even more so when I say it to myself, something ruins it.