my crappy life story

I came across this site when I googled ' adults with no friends'. I wanted to see if it was normal to have no friends as an adult and to talk about it maybe, and I don't know where to start.
To make the most of this, I think I will start from the beginning.

When I was growing up, I was the most bubbliest and bubbliest person ever. When I turned 14, my parents started to put a lot of pressure on my looks. They used to tell me I'm ugly a few times a day. This eventually got to me, and I stoped speaking to everyone. Literally. I went from being popular girl/ class clown to just nobody.

After leaving sschool, I made a few friends here and there but never really kept in touch with any of them.

Anyways a decade later, I decided it's time I changed and added up all my friends from school. met them etc. My life was going great and I was really happy. Not only did I chat with my friends, but I also used to chat with my friends friends on facebook. Anyway, one of my close friend went overseas one day and one of her friends came to me for advice. I've never met this guy in real life before and have only spoken to him on facebook. He said as our mutual friend is overseas he'd speak to me about his problems. He said he was feeling really depressed and all so I went to his place to comfort him.

He said he'd like a drink and offered me one. I don't remember much of what happened after that 1 drink but I do know both him and his brother raped me.

I was so scared and petrified. I felt so....I don't know how to describe it. I went to my friends for help but none of them would even believe me. Some of them even laughed. A few weeks later, I went to the cops but they said there was no physical evidence and they'd need to talk to ppl I spoke to. My bf at the time was the only one I knew, so I asked him to come with me to the cops but he refused.

From that day on, I have not spoken to a single person. It's been two years since I have not spoken to a human other than family. I've been on a few dates but I just end up getting scared of what they will do to me.
Being raped also triggered memories of me being molested by my neighbour when I was 6. It brings back memories of my mother beating me up when I was young, brings back memories of me trying to kill myself when I was 11 because I hated life so much even though I was miss popular.

I keep myself busy 24/7 so I don't think about how lonely I am, but at times when I have nothing to do, I just feel like dying. So yeah, that's it I think. I don't know how I can make friends anymore as I really don't have the oppourtunity to do so. I also wish I could just take away my mums voice from my head constantly telling me I'm ugly.

Oh I just remembered, I'm soo pathetic that my brother told me that I'ma loner and that when I kill myself he will laugh.

Hi LostandLonely. Welcome to the site. I feel your pain. I have many of the same experiences you have had. They are painful and take a lot of strength, not only to live through, but to work through.

It's hard to reach our after you've "been burned", but I hope you can. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to. As far as your brother goes, that comment must have really hurt you. I'm sorry he said that to you! Remember though, what other people say does not make it TRUE!

Take care, and I am sending warm hugs your way

Wow.

Hello & Welcome, xxLostandLonelyxx.
How damaging! This undermining of your sense of self combined with the more recent trauma easily lead to depression and social difficulties.

May the interactions you have here and elsewhere relieve some of the lost-and-loneliness.

I am so sorry to hear this happened to you. I will send healing thoughts your way, I hope you will try and get some professional help to get you thru this, no one deserves what you have lived thru, I am so sorry. Please take care and again I am truly sorry

xxlostandlonelyxx welcome! The usual fun of welcoming another person to the forum is tempered by the anger that I must say your so called friends' and family's responses provoke in me so i will say little on that account. I am glad you found the forum and hope that you will find many here who can share their experiences with you and assure you that yes, some of us have extremely bad luck in the people life places around us, and no, even if many of them say certain things, they don't have to be right. Certainly not things like that! HUGGGGGGGGSSSSSS and I hope you find this a warm and supportive place!

So, so sorry you have experienced such trauma and abuse, xxlostandlonelyxx - none of it from any source is right or fair. However, I'm glad that you have been strong enough to survive it all, and hope you will continue to fight and reach out for the support and help you need to ultimately overcome it all.

Please be very careful with yourself, especially when it comes to selecting others you allow into your life. Being raised in an abusive environment makes us susceptible to other abusers because our ability to set and maintain healthy boundaries has been damaged and we don't always recognize the predators until they're within striking range. I can assure you that you will have many, many more acquaintances in your life than "true" friends - and that's just fine. To me personally, a friend is someone that I would absolutely be able to trust with my very life - anyone that doesn't fulfill that criterion is not qualified to be called "friend."

The other thing about being raised in an abusive environment is that we are taught that we must rely on others to assign value to us. This sets us up to be enslaved to other people's opinions of us - to feeling worthless and undeserving unless others validate our worthiness by associating with us. First and foremost, you must become your own best friend - this must be your primary and most important relationship. You know yourself better than anyone else - you have been present through every nightmarish experience and stood up for yourself when no one else had the guts or the decency to be there with or stand up for you - so give yourself some credit. You haven't survived what you have experienced because of anything anyone else has done - you have survived it all because YOU have done what's necessary to do so despite everyone else. I'm quite certain that you have treated your acquaintances far better than they have treated you - and that you would not have desserted anyone who was attacked and brutalized as you were. Are you getting the picture here?

As for those "Bad Mother Messages" in your head - I used to hear those same tapes all the time, too. Finally, I started answering back - every time those tapes played and I heard my parents telling me that I was ugly, useless, stupid, worthless, etc., etc., I would answer out loud: "So?"; "What's your point?"; "Well, I came from you!"; "You're entitled to your opinion, but it doesn't mean I have to respect it."; "You don't even know me, so why should I respect your opinion of me?" Eventually, anytime any abuser tape started playing in my memory, I just told it to shut up - and I still do - out loud!

Anyone who makes deprecating remarks to you does so for one purpose only - to inflict pain and damage on you - that's abuse, and you just cannot respect that motivation. It doesn't matter what others think of you - the only thing that matters is what you think of yourself; and if there is anything about yourself that you would like to change, then do so to suit yourself - to suit how you want to define yourself and not just to please the whims and demands of others (who are they?). No matter who you are or think you are today, YOU ALONE have the power and authority to define who you will be tomorrow, or at any given moment and in any given situation. You have to live with yourself every moment of every day regardless of who else is or is not around, so become the person you want to spend that time with. Believe me, being alone doesn't mean being lonely. You can't be lonelier than when you're in a crowd of the wrong people.

To have survived all that you have so far, you are stronger than you know. Reach out to good people here and in your real life to get the help and support you need and deserve so that you can become the healthy, vital person you want to be. lynn09

Good post, Lynn!