Here I go again...

Yes, I'm back on with the same petty complaints.

Alright, seriously I have to ask why am I alive at all? I don't deserve it. There are people out there that are dying that would do anything to be alive and here I am. I also feel like I should be abused. I know that is such a horrible thing to even DARE to say on here, but none of you people deserve such things, in my mind I think I do. I hurt my brothers inrage, but then again, I'm probably overreacting, and they are pretty bratty kids. But.. I just feel like I need to be slapped, knocked sensless, have a taste of my own medicine.
Anyway, I feel like I'm dying on the inside, and the world around me is spilling out of control. Once me and my mom were at a mall (discussing Johnny Depp because we both are fans) and I meantioned me and him are a tad alike (don't remember why now) and I then meantioned "he was a cutter" and my mom's like "You BETTER not" so... I just bit my lip, knowing I already had. It would make my mom think she's a bad parent sinse I'm the fourth to go wrong, so I pretend its okay for her sake, after all I'm holding her back, I'm the only reason we stay in a crappy house in a crappy town with her crappy job. I have horrible self hatred, but right now I'm okay, but earlier I locked myself in my room and cried non-stop. Also I can never take a compliment from someone without assuming its a lie. I feel so talentless, useless..

I know everyone here just wants me to plain out tell them, but I can't, I don't want to be another stress in their life. Besides, I just cannot imagine actually going to see someone about my feelings, I haven't been able to share my deep feelings sinse... as far as I can remember, how the heck am I suppose to? Only here and in my writing I can, but with actual WORDS?

Wow, this was longer than I attended... this read is not for the lazys.
Sorry!

I know how you feel. I feel like my problems are more a burden upon my Dad than anything else, but I struggle with it on my own a lot of the times and wish for his help. It's good that you're at least opening yourself up here: where are people who can help, understand and support you. Getting those feelings out there is the first step!

No one deserves any kind of abuse, no matter who you are. The aggression and hostility, I've feel around my brother and lots of other people, have caused me to believe I deserve a lot of the things that go wrong.. But you have to think; do you really intend on being that way, just to watch your brothers hurt or is it just something you have a hard time controlling?