[dexter]

I just need to vent a little... I know it is not helpful to dwell in the past and I don't think I am stuck there, but it does get under my skin once in a while...

I've been worried about all the things that are happening to me now... car repossessed, summonses for overdue bills, etc. but I've just been so paralysed by depression to act proactively on anything... and now they are all coming to pass and sometimes I want to kick myself... "Why couldn't I just call the car company two weeks ago... two months ago... anytime ago instead of letting it get this bad?"

So now it is not only too late but I'm still if anything even more paralysed than ever because of the additional stress. I think I'm not going to be able to make it in to work tomorrow again and that is just going to make things worse too.

But in some ways I feel strangely calm. I've been able to sleep OK at night which seems strange, but I guess I have to remember that the last time I was in this bad of shape I was undiagnosed for the depression and not taking any meds at all for it, so maybe the meds are helping me now in that regard.

[(JD)]

Why, Ollie... I was just ah ha! "just" is such a small word that encompasses even less meaning but leaves out the BIG issue! All of us who have been there.. or ARE there understand the whys of this...

Do what you can. Forget what you can't do. Try to move on. Try to find a better way for YOU to cope and prevent it in the future. ((((DEXTER))))

[gardenergirl]

Hi dexter,
It certainly does sound like the effects of depression, and I've been there, too--very similar experiences. I'm glad that now you are on meds, and that they seem to be helping a little.

I try not to dwell on my past mistakes from my worst depressive episodes, because I still am haunted by that critical "me" who judges. But other times I can remember that I was very ill with depression, and I'm better now.

Boy do I know that paralyzed feeling, too. It's just awful, and in my case, that critical voice just jumped all over that. Try to give yourself credit for every little thing you DO do...eating something, taking a shower, putting away a dish, etc. We take these tasks for granted, but they are accomplishments just the same. And in each moment, if you can do that, you can keep going.

(((dexter)))

gg

[tracylee]

Crickey!!! I can relate to that!!! I have got myself into so much financial chaos but i just have this 'i dont care attitude'

I have received so many final demand letters and threats of court action and have only now told all my creditors the situation with being off work for a year and blah blah, most of them are really understanding and to those that arent, they'll get a 1.00 per week payment to shut them up!! Hehehe.........

[dexter]

One of my BIG problems is because of my father. It is funny that I can see this so clearly yet sometimes still can't get past it.

My dad is a huge, manipulative, liar. He manipulates (or tries to) me for contact and affection and I have learned just to stay away from him and that has worked well for me.

He also manipulates "the system" as I've watched all of my life. He never pays his bills, racks up large credit card debt, and gives them all excuses. I came to learn this when I was young and would listen to him on the phone with the gas company about why he couldn't pay the bill because he just had heart surgery... etc. But he had also just dropped a load of money on a new TV or an expensive top-of-the-line VCR. And he was still using the "Just had heart surgery" excuse with creditors years and years after the surgery and full recovery.

I grew to hate that way of thinking... I'm very proud of myself for that... and when I was on my own I became very responsible for my debt and for my purchases.

Now I am in trouble... but part of me hates the idea of "whining" to creditors because I can't separate it from my dad's way of doing things. Part of my problem with my dad was that he felt "entitled" to things, if you know what I mean... like because he had surgery it was OK for him to buy things he couldn't afford... which is different then working out a deal for things that you need like power or food. I'm left here with stuff I can't afford... stuff that I could afford before I became ill... but my "baggage" I guess you could call it is part of what makes me feel so ashamed by the whole ordeal.

I guess "ashamed" is an operative word. Strange since I know so much about this illness, about how it is an illness... so I never feel embarassed to talk about it. But even when I'm dealing with the "obvious" stuff correctly I can see how it still creeps in more subtly.

Another aspect is how I've said I'm "afraid" of the phone... I've grown a fear (long before depression or creditor problems) of making calls or answering my phone... obviously much worse now when creditors are an issue. And of all the stuff I have hoped to change from my dad's way of life I wish I could have inherited his ease on the phone... not to lie about things but at least not so that I am the complete opposite and can't even get the courage to discuss possibilities and be proactive with my creditors.

[(JD)]

Ollie, it's perfectly "normal" for us to not like the telephone! I pay for it, so I will decide WHEN I use it! I rarely answer it. I have message machines on both the home and wireless numbers... I return calls IF and when I want to. and delete them at will. I had to learn to do this to PROTECT ME. It's ok... you can too! PPl who whine about it, well, they can learn to deal with it. PPl who have both numbers and never call... or say they do (not, I have caller ID) but never leave a message?? that is THEIR problem. telephones are an intrusion into our seclusion... you be in control, eh? ((((Dexter))))