Am I allowed

I have many medical professionals, friends of my mother, around me who think that they know what I am going through and try to diagnosis me all the time. For example, I workout so much that I eat certain things and I limit what I eat, and many people have brought up the phrase "eating disorder." They are dead wrong to think that I could have an eating disorder...I eat plenty of healthy foods. (Good to get that off my chest.) But although this company of people sometimes makes me mad, I am blessed to have people near by who care about my well being. But am I allowed to have some sense of control and say "Yes, I want to continue to push myself even if that means getting hurt!"
I push myself to new limits A LOT, and I push myself so much that I feel pain. But is it OK for me to have control over something in my life that for the past 12 to 13 years I have not been in control of....my priorities were angled in a different direction...towards education. Not that education is bad (I love to learn), I just feel improvements to my physical self lagged behind because I was desperately trying to prove to my parents and family that I could graduate with my masters after a massive head injury as a result from my accident.....I was hit-by-car when I was 11. And I did graduate with my masters.
But after I finished with school, I engulfed myself in improving physically where I have seen SO many positive things. I finally feel RIGHT in so many ways, even if the pain I feel is so excruciating to the point that I feel something is wrong. But I have not gotten to this point in my life by saying "Uncle" when I felt pain. I learned to push through it, and now when I feel most pain I laugh or smile. It is almost therapeutic. Maybe that I am beating the car all over again!
But although I want this control, I know that by pushing myself physically my legs (or one more than the other) are getting hurt. And from previous injuries, my legs/body can't afford to get hurt in a major way as before. I write this, and I cry, because this f**king SUCKS! I do everything I can to prevent this from happening...physical therapy and much more. But everyone says the same thing, "Your body can't handle all of this abuse, and if you want to live to 35 without major issues...try something else." I know this is so simple to follow, but maybe when I hear people say this I think that they are trying to stop me from reaching my goal...maybe this is the kid in me talking.
But I wanted to post this here since I have not brought this up in therapy (because I know how wrong this sounds): why would the statement above be such a bad thing if I didn't make it to 35? I can't imagine not being able to do what I want to do, but if by the time I am 35, and my legs/hips can't support the activity level I am at today, would ending my life be such a bad thing? I was an athlete and still am an athlete, so if someone told me that I couldn't be an athlete because my body decided to give out....I would wonder through life aimlessly...not really being the one to help myself but having others help me, this is what happened right after my accident, and I NEVER want to feel this way again!

Cherrios!

((((((((( Cherrios ))))))))))

Well, you are an adult and you have a right to your choices even if they are bad choices providing you have the mental capacity to make those choices.

I have to say that it doesn't sound good that you want to end your life when you get to the age of 35 and I do wonder if you exercise to the point of extreme pain as some sort of punishment on yourself?

Would be good to discuss these issues with your therapist.

Hi pegasus, Thank you for your advice!
Thank you for saying so!

But am I making a bad choice when it feels right....maybe not in the moment, but after wards definitely!

35 is just an age....I am guessing...it could come at an earlier or later age than 35.

I would say that I don't push myself completely as a punishment(?), but more of way of thinking as if the accident did not happen

These are some big issues!

Thanks again! Cherrios!

glad i found your post Cherrios,, as i said in chat, i really believe in feeling good about succeeding, it's not about the suffering, but the joy in life,,, hope you find a way to feel in control , joyfully~! best wishes,, Gus

Thank you Gus for your reply! I hope I find the joy too! I guess I think there should be pain in life...and since I cause this on me, I get to be in control of the pain I feel!

What if it feels right and you are successful and die versus what if it feels right and you fail and you later feel you are glad it failed?

When I was 30 y/o I tried to kill myself by OD but I lived. At the time I was one week post partum and depressed and delusional. If I had been successful I would not know that the depression would change. What if you are at a low point in life but cannot see that soon something wonderful will come into your life?

Hi Yoda, Thank you for your thoughts! LOVE your quote!
Failure is not something that I worry about. I fail, I just keep trying...never letting anything stop me, even pain. And I feel if I did die, it would be my choice. I mean when my accident happened, I was not thinking long term nor was I confronted with situations I am confronted with now. But now that I am looking long term and worrying about bigger things, like marriage, I HATE my accident all the more. I question why I was saved.....and I feel that at the moment my accident happened my family was so crushed that they did everything to save me. Rightly so, but they were being greedy.

I am glad you are still here!!!!

I agree. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. I guess since I have found something that makes me smile (and cry) I don't want to let go of it. But if it was taken away from me.....

Cherrios!

dear cherrios.. it was good to talk to u tonight. It sounds like u have overcome so much. I learned more in the post and from our chat. I don't know what to say except what i have already said.... talk to t. I was an athlete ... i was not hurt like u but i know what it is like to be a very good athlete. It can go to an extreme even your eathing.. eating all the "right" food... working out to the point of pain.... that can be very much on the side of self harm in that your so focused on this u may not have to feel what u need to feel.. It is like ed... cutting... it sounds like this is not good.. I think u know this. It does not mean u have to stop.... eating healhty is good... exersize is good but the extreme is harmful and your docs are saying it is harmful... i think u might know it is harmful.... talk to t... i beg of u... she-he can help.. this is not an uncommon disorder ... even the part of being caught up in only healthy food.. it is a new thing people r being treated for.... i wish u the best.... i want u to get the support u need... there are feelings under all this.. .maybe that stupid car.. that ur really mad at or so many other things u might be mad or sad at... all those feelings are under thise "over done" things... i will hope to see u again in chat... will look for ur posts.... u helped me tonight too... as a former elite athlete wanting "normal exersize... don't know the definition yet. I hope you find peace.. start talking to your t you hear me LOL .... u know u need too... so go do it... be at your best in your t too.

I think it is a shame that people do that-talk about you as if you weren't in the room! Just because you have one diagnosis doesn't mean they can start adding something else to the list! I would speak up and be heard! These kinds of things make me mad I swear!

Sorry, went off on a rant again. I am so sorry you are put into this position. As I said above I would speak up and let them know you have a right to be involved in your care and after all, it is YOUR mind, not theirs.

Hi Brittfly, Thank you for your post, and it was good to chat with you last night. I will talk to my T....you are RIGHT be the best at talking to my T. I guess I just like to make it hard. Yes, I have gone to an extreme with my workouts....I guess I want to improve physically so badly that I attempt all things to the highest level thinking that I can survive anything, nothing will hurt me. And the foods I eat/don't eat might be taken to an extreme as well. But by changing both of these things they have produced results. And the alternative, not being as active as I am, is something that I am avoiding at all costs. I know that working out is harmful, but I think the pain is acceptable.

And you are RIGHT, I think I do have these feelings (mad, angry, etc) which have been kept hidden for a long time. And since these feelings have been hidden for so long that I would not even know if they are from the accident or not. BUT I will talk to my T.

Thank you again for your help! Cherrios!

Hi Skully, Thank you for your comments. You are SO RIGHT "Speak up and be heard." I have gotten better over the years, but I still need practice. And since my accident is a touchy issue for my parents, every time I try to confront them about this....it seems we all start to cry. I will work on this! Thank you again!
Cherrios!