[Lifelost]

This is my first post. I don't know quite what to expect, but I am lost and very depressed. I'm a 28 year old single male and I have had the same experiences with unrequited throughout my life. I have sought out the help of a therapist and read lots of books which has resulted in some improvement, but I just can't seem to shake this problem completely.

Why am I posting here? Well, In short I want to know what is wrong with me. How do I stop this from happening to me? I beseach those who are wiser in the ways of psychology to help point me in the right direction. A preface: please do not reply to this message if you have nothing constructive to say. My pride is a bit wounded as it is.

Thanks for reading this far.. Here are my "symptoms":
- I have a difficult time letting go of those I have feelings for but who may not share those feelings with me. I tend to get very dramatic. I feel like I hate everyone in the world, that my life is over, I stop eating, etc, etc, etc.

- The act of being rejected by a woman (after dating for a while) generates these feelings of false love and a terrible sense of loss. Even if the day before I was thinking that I'm not sure if I wish to continue a relationship with person X, her rejecting me has the affect of making me feel like I'm in love with her and that I just lost something great. After that I tend to only see the good things about her versus the bad things.

- I feel a bit needy sometimes.. As if I must have someone who loved me to feel secure. Also, I tend to have a strong need for sympathy... as if it somehow fills me when I'm down.

- I tend to dwell and obsess about things in my past. Specifically I think a lot about past failures.

- I tend to be a caregiver, attracted to women that are in need. I also tend to buy them things too much.

Now, a little about my past... My parents were divorced when I was about 9 or 10. I took it really hard. I think I remember sitting in my room for 24 hours without coming out. I kept thinking that if I turned out bad, then they would be sorry. That type of thinking persisted as I started getting straight A's in school. Odd. I also felt as if I had to take care of my mother and this never made me feel secure. For example, in 4th grade I cried every morning at school because I was so affraid of loosing my mother to some natural disaster. Did wonders for my social standing in grade school. It wasn't until she remarried while I was in college that I stopped feeling like I needed to take care of her. (Perhaps that is an exaggeration, but I do remember feeling relieved.) I was never popular and I had some severe self-esteem issues in high school. This seemed to improve as I got older. Though I got to see my father a lot, I felt abandoned by him when he started a new family.

There's much much more, but those are the things I think about most. Plus, I don't want to bore everyone.

So, here's what I think I need to do. I need focus inward more. I.e. I need to stop worrying about other people and manufacture 'things' in my life not dependent on other people that makes my life worth living. I.e. Hobbies, life goals, coping mechanisms, etc, etc.

The problem is that I have no idea how to heal my self-esteem nor how to prevent my ego from being so badly damaged every time I get rejected.

Can anyone help me out here? Recommended reading? Recommended actions? I just don't know what to do anymore.

[kimmydawn]

welcome to PC lifelost!

it sounds that you have some deep rooted issues from your childhood. i would recommend therapy...not just a bit.

i wish you well and hope to hear more from you.

be safe,

kd

[jmo531]

Your childhood sounds similar to mine. I always had a fear of losing my mother also and that I had to take care of her. I still feel that way even today. More recently I feel this way because my mother lost her brother early last year and then lost her mother last november. Now more then ever, I feel I need to take care of her even though she is remarried and has 2 younger children (my brother and sister).

As far as Self Esttem books, you can check out the following:

Breaking the Chain of Low Self Esteem

By: Marilyn J Sorenson

I do struggle with self esteem issues as well, as I think much of us do here. I also suffer from depression, panic disorder and OCD. What a combo .

I hope you get some good advice here.

Welcome to PC, BTW. Glad you found us

[Lifelost]

Thanks Kimmy and JMO. One more question for you. The therapist I used to see never really saw the value in exploring the root cause of my problems. She seemed to believe that identifying the cause doesn't always help you fix it. What are your thoughts?

[jmo531]

I dont know how I feel about that actually. I was in therapy for months and little by little we were getting to the root of my issues, such as abandonment, and so many other things. Unfortunatly, finding out what the root of the issues purposes the next battle, that is how to deal with those feelings, those memories, and how to either forgive yourself or the person responsible for inflicting that hurt upon you. Forgivness is not easy. I had to cut my therapy short due to a move across the country but I will be resuming it again. I just find it difficult to handle all the feelings that come with exposing and dealing with the past. I am sure with years and years of therapy, it can be done but like I said, lots of very hard work.

[(JD)]

Welcome to psychcentral! What might be important for you is to find out what modality of therapy in which your therapist was engaging. There are many types and philosophies about how to help a patient heal. Then research some about other therapies... some info is available from the resource listing here at PC! To me, you like to find out what is causing a problem to make it tangible and thus easier for you to figure out how to correct "it." If that is how you approach life, then it might be best to find a therapist that works the same way.

Cognitive Behavior therapy will help in the respect that there are cognitive distortions we operate "with" and helping us realize when we are using one of them, so we can correct our thinking. Perhaps you would heal well with some for of this (CBT.) TC