[Music Rules Me]

Once again, I am stuck.
I just dont know what to do.
As said before, I feel numb, hopeless, worthless, scared, guilty and sometimes sad.

But now I've got another thing. Stress.
I've been stressed before, lost my hair because of it, then got more stressed because of the hair loss.

Why am I stressed? Because of the tonnes of work that I get set from college. I have no social life or anything, so homework and college is all that I do. And it feels pointless to do any of the work because I'm never going to get anywhere in life.
So a lot of the work I dont do, not just because i'm lazy, but because there isnt a point in it.
But then people dont understand that and they yell at you.

I would say I wish I was happy, but I dont believe that could happen.
Happiness?
Pah, there's no such thing as happiness.
I can neither remember being happy, nor can imagine being happy.
Yet, I'm the girl who puts on a smile, a laugh, and is seen as the constantly cheerful person.
Now if my smile and "happiness" are all an act, what is to say that everyone else isnt the same?
Is anyone happy?
No. Because happiness isn't real.

What I do wish for is to go back to before I was born or conceived. Before I existed.

I really don't belong in this world. I'm just wasting valuble air and resources and food (a LOT of food).
But what am I going to do about it?
Nothing. Because even death is pointless.
People would have to waste money on stupid things like funerals.
It would be more hassle than good for everyone else.

So I shall sit here, once again, and feel stuck and pained.
Thanks for listening to my rant again guys.

[Mustkeepjob32]

Music Rules Me,

It appears you are very depressed and anxious and low self-esteem, and I'm sorry you're suffering. For anyone, college can be extremely overwhelming and when you have low/no self-esteem, you wonder why continue? Do you take medications or talk to a therapist? Call your school and find out if they have counseling programs for its students as you shouldn't have to suffer like this.

Z

Hey, (((Music Rules Me)))

you know, i've been there too. can i do some debunking here? firstly, music does not rule you; you rule you. happiness is an accomplishment; it doesn't just happen. doing your college work is not pointless because it will lead to a good future; everyone makes sacrifices when they go to college. money is tight and one can't often participate in all the social events in order to get good grades. but, the wise people put good grades over social needs. keep aiming towards your goals - a degree in a field you like and working with people who are like-minded. your social life will blossom from there.

sometimes the feelings you are having are a sign of fatigue. try getting some rest and see if you feel better. give yourself rewards when you accomplish things, e.g., complete a college paper. i used to reward myself with cakes or pies! often, i did it piecemeal. ok, i finished the first part, time for a piece of pie! then, gradually, the second and final parts (of both the paper and dessert) were finished too.

sometimes rants will lift burdens off your shoulders also. i hope you felt better after sharing your feelings. keep venting them here until that darn degree is finished! that's what we are here for. as i got older, i learned that if you expect answers and solutions to all problems then you will end up disappointed. learning to live with your problems and peeves is really the solution.

[billieJ]

dear ((((((((Music Rules Me))))))))))

college ruled me, until I graduated. then I knew happiness. u will 2!

[Music Rules Me]

Mustkeepjob32, College is pretty overwhelming, but then again school was too tbh. I'm not on meds or seeing a therapist because I'm too scared to go to the doctors. Pretty much noone knows that I feel this way - I'm the cheerful one and I dont share my feelings. I've been to the counseller at college before, but after a few sessions I found that I can't share personal things with a stranger. It just wasn't helping. And then as soon as she touched the subject and asked "Do you think you are depressed?" I chickened out, said "no" then never went back. But thankyou for your input and help anyway.

Unhappyguy, I may rule me, but it doesnt feel like it. Music really does seem to rule me most of all. I can't see myself ever accomplishing anything, so does that mean I'll never get out of this? Because it really does seem that way. I doubt that I will ever have a good future due to college. I'm probably going to end up in a badly paid job that I hate. Even if I had the chance to have a social life, I probably wouldnt be able to be social because I get too scared and nervous around people.
I really do try and rest, but for the past 5 years or so I havent been able to sleep for more that 5 hours a night tops.
Theres nothing that I can really reward myself with. My parents are lovely and caring and generous so I have pretty much anything someone could ever want. And food...is an idea, except for the fact that I'm overweight anyway so it wouldnt do too good for my health.
I dont feel much better after ranting, but even feeling that a tiny bit of the weight is lifted is better than nothing. Thankyou for all your advice.

billieJ, After I finish college, I have university. I'm a little scared that nothing will change and the fact that I'll no longer be living at home with my parents, that I'll have even less of a reason to continue being. But nonetheless, thankyou.

[Mustkeepjob32]

music,

I can appreciate your being scared of doctors as it is difficult. The only thng I would say is that I guess you have to look at your life and way the pros and cons of seeking professional help or not.
If you feel you can finish college well, continue life afterwards without incident or problems, and feel self-fulfilled, then that's OK. But if you have doubts as to those things being a possibility, please consider seeing a psychiatrist and/or therapist.

Z

[tinybubbles]

Music Rules Me,
Gosh I hear myself in your words. But I really got tired of being down all the time. I am back on the forum because of my depression. It comes and it goes. Baby steps is what I learned to help me get out of my funk. Set little goals for myself, nothing major, just little stuff. School must be important for you to be there. Do you like Drama Club/ the Theater? Great place to go and find some meaning.

As for talking to someone, boy I know what you mean, but they are there to help you not to judge you, plus they the doctors can't tell anyone what you are saying. Once I got over my fear of thinking if I tell someone they are going to think of me as a crazy person. Once I found that person that I connected with, it could have been the color of the building or how the plants in the office or the pictures that hung on the wall. But once I found that I could let myself talk I didn't stop...I kept going till I realized that I am okay---I am not crazy or weird or anything like that...boy what a relief it was to just talk. Start small-- or write..
N

[11PM]

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

I would say I wish I was happy, but I dont believe that could happen.
Happiness?
Pah, there's no such thing as happiness.
I can neither remember being happy, nor can imagine being happy.
Yet, I'm the girl who puts on a smile, a laugh, and is seen as the constantly cheerful person.
Now if my smile and "happiness" are all an act, what is to say that everyone else isnt the same?
Is anyone happy?
No. Because happiness isn't real.

Happy people don't normally have such meta-cognition about their happiness, deducing it in complexity and purpose until it no longer produces a feeling.
In most cases your reality is NOT what you make it. You can't bend spoons, you cant fly, you can't stop time or shoot spider webs. When you use the same concept in context of how you FEEL, things are different.

If I described to you biting into a juicy ripe lemon, the sour juices gushing into my mouth, the smelling the pungent mist emanating from each bite... you might in fact salivate without actually eating a lemon. Whatever you think, or imagine, your subconscious doesn't know the difference, and will alter your physical state as if it were true.

If you believe that happiness is a lie, you will only feel depression. Even if it is just a pondering, you may start to feel a truth, until it spirals.

If you believe that you are capable of honesty then you must believe that others out there are too. I am honestly telling you that genuine happiness is possible. It is real, even when you are completely aware of yourself in the moment.

Originally Posted by Music Rules Me

What I do wish for is to go back to before I was born or conceived. Before I existed.

You can never not exist. Sorry we are smart enough to even conceive a hypothetical thing, but nevertheless it isn't real. If it were, you'd just be something else, with a different life. Because that's all there is.