[jen29]

Hi everyone,

I haven't posted in here in a while and thought I would share a little of what is going on.

I haven't been in the hospital since October 18th which is really good for this time of year for me. Believe me there have been times in the last few weeks/days that I should have been in there. Things are just going down hill fast.

My therapist says I am doing good work, but it is going to hurt before it gets better. I tell her I don't want to hurt anymore. I can't take it. I have feelings of when I was in my early 20s when I would kneel on the floor crying telling God to just take me away. I remember those days and now is how I was feeling back then too....if that even makes any sense to anyone.

I wonder many nights if this is ever going to end. It sure doesn't seem like it. Some days I wake up feeling ok and then in the next hour I am in the depth of depression and other things. I'm not saying good things aren't happening, I just don't know how to feel or handle things when they are nice or something good happens. Just seems like after something good happens something bad happens and can't get out of it.

I don't know maybe am just complaining too much and/or having pitty party. These are my feelings and this is what is happening. I just want some relief and so far no good.

hugs,
jen

[tryingtobeme]

(((((((((Jen))))))))))))
Hun you know I am here for you. i wish I could waive my magic wand and make your life better. You have been through way to much.

I know it's hard to shift your focus, but can you try and think about what you told me earlier today. It's wonderful and it is very good. I know the hurt is still there and doesn't go away for good though. I'm here if you need me. Regarless of time of day. Love you! I'm here for you.

(((((Jen)))))

This is a difficult time of year. You say that you have prayed to God to take to take you away. Instead, please consider asking God to take away your negative feelings and thoughts so that you can live life as He would want you to - in a fulfilling way. Ask God to help you recognize these bad feelings before they take hold of you. Tell those feelings / thoughts in your head - oh no! not you again - and tell them them to go away. Ask for God's help everday to lessen the control of those old feelings on your life so that you can live. Keep praying for the strength to go on with your life and the knowledge to recognize when bad thoughts and feelings, and to not let them take control. Ask for God to help you fill your head with good plans and thoughts that will give your life meaning and fulfillment. Don't just ask once. Keep praying. All the best to you.

[jen29]

Thanks for your support.

Things have gotten worse over the past few days thinking about things that are not good. I try and distract myself by going out or something or try and clean but I just can't find the energy or will to do any of these things.

I haven't eaten in a day, which really isn't that big of deal, but that usually leads to days and then I get sick...which at this point am not caring about that.

I love my friends and family so much, but how much more can I take and how much more can they take of my illness. Most are really supportive in their own way and I appreciate it. I just am looking for the permission to say good-bye. I know I will NEVER get that from them, however it would be nice. Sounds sick right? That's how I think.

Thanks for listening,
Jen

[jen29]

I can't take it anymore, I don't know what to do!!!!!

((((Jen))))
Can you call your t for help? You shouldn't have to suffer without help. If you need to talk I'm here.

[pinkestpink]

Originally Posted by unhappyguy

(((((Jen)))))

This is a difficult time of year. You say that you have prayed to God to take to take you away. Instead, please consider asking God to take away your negative feelings and thoughts so that you can live life as He would want you to - in a fulfilling way. Ask God to help you recognize these bad feelings before they take hold of you. Tell those feelings / thoughts in your head - oh no! not you again - and tell them them to go away. Ask for God's help everday to lessen the control of those old feelings on your life so that you can live. Keep praying for the strength to go on with your life and the knowledge to recognize when bad thoughts and feelings, and to not let them take control. Ask for God to help you fill your head with good plans and thoughts that will give your life meaning and fulfillment. Don't just ask once. Keep praying. All the best to you.

What a great idea.. I know i have been there praying that God would take me away. That is such a better thing to pray for! Thank you for sharing that. It really made my day. THank you!

[jen29]

had t session today, worst one in long time.
i give up, screw therapy i can't take it anymore.
why do i even care about getting better? Is it worth
the time and energy anymore. I just got home 1 hour ago
and I feel the need to call her and tell her it's over, no more therapy
and no more trying to get better, i give up.

Sorry to everyone who ever cared about me, I just don't know what to do.
I feel like the worst person in the world.

thanks for everything and listening,
jen

[11PM]

Originally Posted by jen29

had t session today, worst one in long time.
i give up, screw therapy i can't take it anymore.
why do i even care about getting better? Is it worth
the time and energy anymore. I just got home 1 hour ago
and I feel the need to call her and tell her it's over, no more therapy
and no more trying to get better, i give up.

Sorry to everyone who ever cared about me, I just don't know what to do.
I feel like the worst person in the world.

thanks for everything and listening,
jen

We all know how you feel, first of all. You need to understand that it's not other people you owe it to get better, they don't have an illness. Trust me- they are fine. You need to remember to give yourself a break. You're the one stressing, you're the one worrying/panicking/crying.

I know what you think giving yourself a break means. We all sometimes wish it were that easy- but it's a lie. Ending it is not the comfort you are craving inside. You are treatable, you are. Don't turn a temporary problem into a permanent problem. That's what death is. It's horrible, always. You can live with dignity, you can never die with it. The best you can do for yourself is continue being the wonderful person you are, so when your time does come, you leave behind the gift of memory. You will live on in the thoughts of your loved ones, there to give guidance and support. Even today, this is true- all we have is eachother on this little world.

I know right now this reality can get pretty effed, but together I'm sure we can turn that around. You need to give yourself a little mental reprieve, that's all. Be patient with yourself. Live your life moment to moment, and never look back.