Nothing will ever change, so what's the point?

Nothing will ever get better. I'll never beable to get help or have people understand how I feel. I am nothing, just a stupid, fat, free-loading, failure as a daughter and sister. I honestly can say I truley hate myself for ever existing. My anger and sadness does nothing but cause pain for others, and I have no way of controlling it. They all say that I'm doing it for attention. I've struggled with this since I was thirteen. I've never had a father really in my life, but I wish I did. I see him about twice a year. When I told him about leaving school because of bullying and doing online school, he told me that I could of stuck it out because he did, and he has depression. But honestly, school was so bad that it was driving me to the breaking point. I cannot get help because we cannot afford it. My mom and sister tell me I need to get a job and move out, but I don't know what to do. I've sheltered myself since I was fifteen, so I still feel fifteen. I'm on the edge with my depression and anxiety. I cannot afford help or medication or anything. I can't call suicide help lines because i'm too afraid. They all think it's attention, and that it'll pass. But I know it's not. I feel like if I were to die, everyone's lives would be so much better. My mom would have a better life for her and my sister, and she wouldn't suffer so much. I just feel so horrible for ever being born. I feel like I was the worst mistake my parents ever made. I never got good grades, or had a boyfriend, or anything. I'm a failure at life, and I don't deserve it anymore. I'm nothing. I don't know what to do. I have no friends, no one to talk to. I have no money for help. I have no life. I can't live like this anymore. All my sister and I do is fight, because she thinks depression isn't real and that it's all in someone's head. My mom is the person who has saved me from suicide over and over, but now I feel like even she is avoiding my problems. I just, feel like there's no hope. I can't do anything. I'm powerless. I'm stressed out, and shaking all the time from anxiety. I use to cut, but not anymore, though i've been considering it. Suicide is constantly on my mind. I usually try to talk myself out of it, but it's hard. The rest of my family, who know about my depression, think I can change it by myself and that im just trying to stress my mom out. My aunt even told me its my fault for being depressed, even though I didn't do anything. I'm so done with living like this with no help, and no one who will ever understand me.

Hi, We are here to listen. Sounds like you are in a really aweful place right now. Things are a bit crazier than usual around here and we are a bit slower to getting around but we are here. I am sure others will stop by and say hi soon. welcome to PC. Read around, gat to know us and post more when you feel ready.

Here are tow links check out the second link forst than the first one

http://www.dshs.wa.gov/

http://mentalhealth.about.com/gi/o.h...w.wa.gov/dshs/

You can get free services i have provided links above about this.

i understand i too have been in the situation you have been i also did online school halfway through high school. i had and still do but back than horrible anxiety crippling anxiety. i don't treat or am a doctor but wellbutrin gave me the motivation to get up and going and a good antianxiety med leveled me out so i could go and get a job...(how am i supposed to get a job and be around people if i couldn't even go to school) that's what i tried telling my mom when i was younger. ssri's did the polar opposite and actually made me even more depressed and suicidal. except for paxil but it doesn't work anymore for me but when i was 15 i was on 60mg and it worked for anxiety but it worked where you could litterealy come up and stab me and i would look at the wound and just move on. but i couldn't be around people without being on heavy medication.
I just want to tell you there is hope...i am a very social person now...i don't take meds for my anxiety (every once in awhile i get a panic attack)i have ativan for that but i still have some anxiety but it is nothing like it used to. i am still learning how to speak right though/using my words right, all those years of antisocial behaviors. i was a straight F STudent had a .6 gpa and failed even the simplist of classes.

there are so many of us out there that have been in your shoes!
meds are a temp fix anf i hope you find someone to talk to professionaly but we are all here until you do.

I know how you feel Though my cause of depression is stuttering. I went to public school my whole life. There were countless times where my stuttering made me feel so worthless.My stuttering have gotten to the point where i cant even say happy birthday to my mom.Just cant get any words out.There were a lot of times where i was asked a question in class and i couldn't say anything at all, so i just froze.I got a job at age 16, it was a huge step for me.I worked as a cook cause i couldn't work the cashier or Drive thru cause of my speech disorder.I also had family that didn't understand me at all so i felt like i had no one to talk to.Over the years i got cold, to the point where i would stop talking to a friend and feel nothing about it.I stopped getting attached to people.Theres dreams i want to follow but its nearly impossible cause of this curse of silence.Stuttering really is hard and it leads to many different feelings Your not alone though. Theres people out there that feel like you. Message me whenever you want to talk.

Hello, Haybeehalo,

Things really can change. Really. They can change for YOU, as they've changed for many other people here on PC. I know myself very well how hopeless things can look. And yet they're not hopeless. If you look for help, you'll find it. When you find it, it will move you out of the terrible feelings you have now. There are many, many people on PC who have been through what you're going through. And they've lived to see a better day. A brighter day. What I'm telling you isn't advertising, it isn't bull, it's really real. You can get help and you can change the way things look to you. My very best wishes to you for a good recovery and a happy future. Take care.