Message I sent to a few friends.

Below is a facebook message that I sent to two close friends of mine. I figured I'd post it here. Since my friends aren't really used to... dealing with things like this. I also couldn't bring myself to tell them how suicidal I am feeling.

<<<<We're friends, and I want it to remain that way. But lately, we haven't been incredibly friendly. We used to hang out quite a bit, invite each other places we go, have fun, and now we simply don't. Overall you are too good a friend for me to just accept this.

You probably haven't noticed, because I try to hide it. But I haven't been feeling well lately. It's like living itself is a chore for me. It just seems so pointless, and I am having a very hard time with it. I don't understand what I am supposed to be living for, what anybody is supposed to be living for. It seems to me like we just are here, and we occupy ourselves until we die, and I don't want to occupy that time with bad things.

The ****** thing is, I have less motivation than I have had ever. At least before I had motivation to maintain friendships, because as we both know, friendships are like plants, if you don't care for them they whither and die. (:P). I feel like if this life were the Sims 2. I would just want to pause. I would resume later... for sure... but for some reason I don't want to hang out with people. I don't want to do fun things. I don't know why, or what's wrong, on the other hand, I KNOW that if I don't continue to maintain friendships. They will whither and die, exactly as if it WERE Sims. it's a horrible catch 22.

I hate the fact that everybody is always into getting a laugh, or trying to have fun. Yes, that is ultimately our goal... but can't we ever know what is actually bothering our friends? If people are only friends when they are happy go lucky, well, then they can't really be good friends ;\

I guess, I am just getting depressed for some reason. Which is dumb, and I know it is. I have a caring family, a beautiful girlfriend, awesome friends, etc, etc, etc. For once, there isn't really anything negative in my life. Which, is actually just making it worse in a way, because before I thought "well, maybe with X in my life I will be happy." But now I have EVERYTHING that I want in life, and am still not happy. Meaning that the problem is with life itself, and on top of it. I can barely sleep. Thinking about all of this.

Sorry for the rant. I just feel bad that I haven't been a very good friend lately.>>>>

I was also kind of wondering if that was too heavy/dark to send friends. I am also secretly hoping that they read it, realize how depressed I am, and tell me something good. I don't know.

It seems to me that if they were really CLOSE friends, they would have been in contact with you already, wondering where you were, or wondering if you were sick or something. Where the heck are they?? And you call them "good" friends??? It doesn't sound like it to me.

Be honest. If it was one of these friends of yours, and YOU hadn't heard from them in this same length of time, would YOU contact them and see what was up? Or would you wait for them to contact you??

As far as the letter goes, do you want to SHAME them into contacting you? Why not just write them and ask them where the heck they've been?? You might just mention that you haven't been feeling well, and let it go at that. If they want to know what the matter is, you can tell them -- but I don't think I'd want to shame my friends into contacting me, cause then I'd figure they didn't REALLY want to contact me in the first place, but they felt like they HAD to. Just my opinion tho.

Believe me, I know all about depression -- I've been depressed since I was a child, and have been on medications for years. Thank God the meds are helping. God bless you and please take care. Hugs, Lee

No it isn't too heavy to send to true friends.

It explains where you have been emotionally. That is great! I hope that your friends have responded with their support.

Best wishes to you!

I would be supportive to a friend. I wouldn't be judgmental. Friends are hard to come by, especially when you get older. You have people here that care.

Wow, this one is complicated I think. When I first read your post, I didn't realize that you had already posted that message to your friends. But since you have already done that, don't question it because you can't undo it now It is not up to us to judge you or others for how they are reaching out. I know that you are trying to be heard.

Having said that, I think you did a great job at articulating yourself and explaining how you feel. But I am also hoping that you haven't set yourself up. Ideally, yes, your friends will read this and respond the way you want them too. But that doesn't mean that will happen, for a variety of reasons that are not your fault.

Lots of people are uncomfortable with any discussions of this kind regarding intense emotions. Even people who care do not know how to respond, especially when so much is said. They may have issues themselves that they are struggling with, so who knows. I am not forgiving your friends for not giving you what you need or want, I am just saying that it is complicated. And there are all kinds of friends, and different levels of friendships. Some kind just are not able to "go there" just as some family members cannot meet specific needs. It doesn't mean they are all bad.

One thing that I have noticed in my life, is that I keep expecting everyone to respond the way that I would, to say the things that I would, to feel the way that I do, and it's just not going to happen!

So try not to put all of your eggs in this basket, or feel like you are wrong to have done this if nothing good comes of it for you. You have expressed how you feel, and that is not wrong. But you have also made yourself vulnerable by saying so much.

As I said, I think this is a hard one and I hope I have not been too wishy washy about it. I just don't want you to feel bad about something you have already done, yet I don't want you to be discouraged either.

I think Its great you sent your personal feelings on a subject matter that is really hard for you to talk about, I think your very brave. I Pray your friendswill be there for you and not be judgemental, everyone needs friends who will be there for them

Bumping this because I am curious as to how things are, JMALL??

The thing is, I hear from them just about everyday. I live with one of them, and the other has been trying to get a hold of me for several weeks. It was more an explanation of what was going on. I don't think it will shame them into anything. We're already too close for that. We talk about just about everything... only... knowing I am suicidal isn't something I think they would be able to handle properly.

Thank you.

One responded with:

"Jesus man. Well maybe when i say "come over" or "ill pick you up" you actually come with me. grant some repreave in yourlife and see if maybe you can jump start some ambition."

The other did not respond, but she has reacted, and we talked about it, and she cried on my shoulder about something unrelated. (I live with her).

I have always been the type to maintain friendships. I feel like a social skill graph... I guess... I started off with retarded level social skills, but because I learned them, and was not born with them, I KNOW how to handle things. I am now more like a social chameleon and can fit in anywhere... just not happily.

Well, my friends didn't exactly respond in ways that I would have chosen for them, if I were in charge of that type of thing. But they did respond in ways that let me know they care. Even if we have our differences sometimes.

The problem I am having is... I am basically wishing I was dead everyday. Hoping to get struck by lightening or something. Not suicidal per-say because I don't want to actually go through the effort of killing myself.

I can't seem the find the help I need, because every time I talk to a therapist... they just give me meds, or try to tell me based on their experiences that life is worth living... or something along those lines.

From my point of view... life; is not worth living. No good comes of it. We are all sheep, I don't want to be a sheep. I don't want to be stuck in a dead-end job. Just to support myself continuing to live a dead-end life.

Jobs here are hard to come by, meaningful jobs... even harder. It's not just my life I can't stand... it's life in general. It's not like I think my life sucks more than others. It's that I can't seem to grasp the basic principles of why people TRY SO HARD just to survive. When... ultimately... it's more work than it's worth.

And now... on top of it all... My girlfriend is pregnant. My life is over... before it began.

It was a courageous move to be so open and honest with your friends, but I believe true friends will understand and support you.