[magikwolfe]

Hi. I apologize in advance for whining and venting . . . but I'm very upset and need to vent my thought so maybe it will go away. I went to my regular doctor for pain control a few months ago and ended up being diagnosed with depression. I didn't see this coming--I was so stuck in survival mode. The doctor put me on Cymbalta and I started feeling alive again. At first I thought I was lucky someone saw this, was giving samples of a prescription that was working and there was no way I could afford not having insurance, but then I started getting angry . . . uncontrollable anger . . . mostly at my situation (as caregiver for my mom). Then the doctor put me on Buspar for the anger--which has really just been a bad experience all around. The Buspar just intensified anxiety--I was driving myself crazy clamping my jaw, holding my breath, shaking my leg, you name it--or just being enraged. Anyway, I explained this to her, and it was like . . . "well, you didn't respond like we'd hoped, too bad, so sad, by!" I left and then came to the conclusion I can't tolerate the Buspar, so I called back and she told me how to stop taking it. So now I'm depressed, angry, and driving myself crazy, and withdrawing from Buspar. And honestly . . . without trying to sound meoldramatic . . . not sure how long I can continue feeling like this . . .

Thanks for a safe place to vent.
Gena

[invisigirl]

going off meds is SO hard. I know a few who've had to deal with that - including being with my husband while he went off anti-psychotics.

hang in there. and vent away.

[Cherrios]

OH MY GOSH! I am so sorry that you feel like you have been taken out of the driver seat of YOUR LIFE! Vent all you want, keep posting. I wish I could offer a solution and take your pain away. I am here though, and I am a GREAT listener. Cherrios!

[magikwolfe]

Thanks invisigirl and cherrios.

Sometimes I scare myself, wondering what I'm capable of when I'm like this. I'm normally the flexible one--that's how I ended up taking care of an 80 year old no one else wants to take care of, lol. I'm not used to my temper being out of control and exploding within a nano second of a trigger . . . going from 0 to 100 in a flash . . .

Feeling like I've been taken out of the driver's seat is a good way to put it . . . and the withdrawal . . . it just feels like mass chaos and confusion . . . ack ack ack! But I guess I should be like Bart Simpson and keep my big mouth shut . . . I can't imagine being with someone going off anti-psychotics . . . wow . . .

[invisigirl]

no need to keep your mouth shut! always better to let it out than keep it in.. keeping it in leads to explosions.

and yeah.. it was a CRAZY time. he had gone on anti-depressants for a few weeks, which made him fully manic. went off those and then went on anti-psychotics for a few weeks before we found out how much they would cost and realized we could not afford them. he weaned them for only a week until he ran out.. then that was it.

he's much better now. lol

[Cherrios]

Totally agree with invisigirl! Getting how you feel out in the open HELPS! I am obsessed with working out, and I guess that is how I get out my anger. And venting here on PC HELPS too! Sometimes so much is going on in my mind that I get extremely dizzy, and if I just write it down and play some loud music to combat the chaos in my head, it helps! No judgment here on PC! Just concern and advice!

Sorry invisigirl to hear about your husband and the maze of prescription HELL he went through...and essentially you as well! I am glad your husband is better! And I hope you are doing well!

[Elana05]

Originally Posted by magikwolfe

I'm normally the flexible one--that's how I ended up taking care of an 80 year old no one else wants to take care of...

Hi magikwolfe,

OMG, this sounds really stressful. Why do you have to do this alone without help? This would make me mad!!! Gah. Well, I just wanted to let you know it sounds like you have all the right in the world to be PO'd and you are entitled to it. One thing that took me a long time to learn is that you can love someone (your mom) and still be angry at the situation, or even angry at her or others in your family. It doesn't mean you don't also love them. Feelings are very fluid and confusing and it is natural to have conflicitng feelings, and this is OK. (I was always the one in my family that had to keep my feeelings under wraps). Better to let feelings out and be honest with them. Is there any way you could see a therapist to talk to about these things?
Are you still able to be on the Cymbalta?

Sending supportive thoughts your way....

Elana

[magikwolfe]

Hi Elana. This is helpful to hear. I'm doing this by myself, in truth, because my sister finds herself and her life more important--the old its easier for you and your situation story . . . but that said, I don't think my sister could do it. My mother is very adept at manipulation and destroying someone psychologically, and I think she'd really tear my sister apart. She wears me down with it, the day in and day out I'm just a bad daughter who can't do anything right routine, but she can really get into my sister's head. I have some help from my husband, but one of my biggest jobs is to keep my mother and my husband apart--because my mother spent the first entire year trying to destroy my marriage. They would get into terrible fights, but in my husband's defense, I've got 45 years of knowing what she's like and how to handle her. She would wait until he was alone and then go for the jugular, and he'd have no idea what hit him. He was the first to suggest we give up our lives and move to another state to take care of her--I told him you have no idea what you're getting into, he said how bad can it be, lol. I'm not here because she's my mother, I thought it was the right thing to do. I've been doing it a little over three years now. I am angry at my sister--not because she's not here and doesn't help, I have no problem with her not wanting to give up her life, I would just like to here her say that that's her choice . . . not that my life is less important or better suited. I am still taking the cymbalta . . . I don't know if I can see a therapist or not. Wow, I'm really rambling here . . .

Gena