Can anyone relate?

I'm wondering if there are others with similar experiences. I've had depression and ADD since childhood. I've tried so many medications and so much psychotherapy. I even have training as a therapist, and have only had a few short-lived periods depression-free over the decades. Now, in my mid-fifties, it's actually getting worse. My art and creativity has fallen away, and I'm not motivated to do anything at all, especially the daily tasks of living. I never wanted to be single and childless my whole life, and end up on disability and poor. I can't believe this is my life. I feel like a different species from everyone else, or from a different planet, planet Noserotonin. I just want to have someone to be close to, a few good friends, be able to support myself financially, take care of myself without it feeling like an enormous effort, and be of use in the world. It's a complicated mix of depression, trauma, ADD, social anxiety, obsessive-compulsive patterns, and a very deep-seated belief that change is impossible. All excuses to add to the "I'm helpless" story.

"...be of use in the world."

Depression (etc.) happened, and my world shrank. I think you might need a microscope to see it.

Illness? Excuses for personal defects? All the proffered answers, scientific or cultural or cosmic, haven't helped. I just keep going and am apathetically grateful for what I have.

Hello. I am in my mid 50's too and have suffered from depression and anxiety as long as I can remember. I'm feeling some of the things you are feeling right now.

Thank you Rohag for your kindness and comments. It helps. The self-blame doesn't help at all.

Thanks Olddaddy. It's good to know I'm not the only one in the world, not that I would want you or anyone to feel suffering.

i know exactly how you feel about feeling useless in the world.

I can relate to what you are saying. I am in my 50s and feel like there is no end to the depression and feeling worthless, tense and afraid. I do a useful job so I am told but I feel pointless and a failure . I dont see any point to my life and it seems to me that all the decisions I make always turn out wrong. I feel so sad and pointless most of the time I am just tired of being like this and dont know how to change.

Hi ~ Have any of you talked to your medical doctors about how you're feeling? It might be as simple as a chemical imbalance that an antidepressant would help. There's no hurt in asking and perhaps trying an A/D. I'd call my doctor and make an appointment. There's no sense in suffering if you don't have to. God bless and take care. Hugs, Lee

I've felt that way when my depression worsens. My life seems pointless, empty and over. But when my doctor gets my meds right, that thinking disappears.

Here are a few ideas: how about volunteering? Helping others is very life affirming. And meetup.com. Thousands of free clubs and groups to join so you can share with people who have the same interests.

Take care, a big hug!

Lillith,

I so relate to those feelings. It feels so difficult to change negative beliefs that have become so entrenched over the decades. I'm familiar with mindfulness practice that says "Don't identify with those thoughts", but it's hard not to get sucked in when you're in the swirl of it all.

I've actually felt some relief yesterday and today, after taking more of a stimulant medication for ADD. I felt more motivation and mental energy, for the first time in a long time. Makes me think the neurochemistry is a big piece of the problem, aside from trauma, crazy family, disappointment, etc.

Uprwestsdr, thanks for your comments. I've been "meaning to" find someplace to volunteer for a while. You're right. Being helpful to someone else is a good way to get out of my head. "Helping others is very life affirming". I've done some meetup activities in the past. It's a good reminder. Unless I'm in the worst of the depression, being with others and engaged in activity is helpful. By the way, I'm from NY originally, just outside the City. I miss it. I haven't been back in over 10 years.

((((((lavieenrose)))))) I can definitely relate to what you say here about dealing with these issues for decades and feeling now, later in life, that change may not be possible.........I've had anxiety issues and problems with dysthymia (chronic, low-moderate grade depression) on and off for about 30 years. Lately it's my anxiety which is causing me the most despair. Like you, I've had tons of therapy and tried every anti-depressant. Even worse, in my case, I actually have a very nice life, yet I still manage to feel anxious and depressed (which makes me feel guilty and ungrateful to boot).

I do think it's neurochemistry to a large extent, since there isn't anything in my life situation to warrant the degree of anxiety I experience. And I already do most of the "lifestyle" things that are recommended to boost mood (exercise, good diet, meditation, etc etc) I keep hoping there will be further advances in the field of psychiatric meds and just a better understanding of why some people respond to current drug therapies and others don't (and that more can be done to help those who don't!).

I'm so glad that you felt some relief yesterday by increasing your ADD meds. I really hope that boost lasts! Hugs to you! I'm glad you're here! I do find it comforting to talk to others who understand and I hope that helps you feel less alone too

So nice to read your message, Sundog.

"Even worse, in my case, I actually have a very nice life, yet I still manage to feel anxious and depressed (which makes me feel guilty and ungrateful to boot)".

I guess it really isn't about the external things. When the brain doesn't function properly, and produces a flood of miserable thoughts and emotions, it's hard to appreciate other circumstances and gifts.

"I do think it's neurochemistry to a large extent, since there isn't anything in my life situation to warrant the degree of anxiety I experience".

That was true for me at one time, too. I grew up in relatively fortunate circumstances in NY, my parents though dysfunctional in ways were loving and gave us a comfortable lifestyle. I earned a masters' degree at a well-known college, and had a career. I was attractive once, had men in my life, created art that was appreciated, but self-sabotage was etched into everything I did. I hope that didn't sound boastful. I didn't mean it that way.

"And I already do most of the "lifestyle" things that are recommended to boost mood (exercise, good diet, meditation, etc etc)"

Sometimes, you can do everything right, and still feel lousy.

"I'm so glad that you felt some relief yesterday by increasing your ADD meds. I really hope that boost lasts! Hugs to you! I'm glad you're here! I do find it comforting to talk to others who understand and I hope that helps you feel less alone too"

Thank you Sundog for your warmth and kindness. It means a lot to me to have found such compassion and comraderie in this community.

Hugs to you