Not de-stressing or helping myself

I know all the tools, I know the origins of my depression and anxiety, I've had tons of therapy. I don't encorporate anything. It doesn't get internalized. My anxiety, despair and feelings of utter lack of motivation to do anything are intense. I'm relying on xanax too much to calm down. I get little to nothing accomplished each day. I need to have more resolve to help myself, not live in wishful thinking that some new practitioner or drug will deliver me from my suffering. It's gone on for so many years that I feel more and more hopeless. I'm so tired. Depression is getting worse. My life feels unreal, a dream in slow motion. I'm alone, no husband or family. Friends were once supportive, a long time ago. But they really don't want to hear about it anymore. And I don't want to burden them. I don't have any really close friends. I wonder if I'll ever get off disability. I wasn't able to handle the stresses of the workplace in social work and have no other marketable skills. My young energetic dog's demands feel like an additional pressure. Being in my tiny worn out-looking house triggers agitation too. I just want to flee from my life and start over. But there is no fleeing. I know I have to face the conditions of my life as they are - being poor, being single, responsibilities as a dog owner, having severe depression and anxiety, and dependent childlike wishes for someone else to come along and make it all better. The xanax is kicking in. Maybe I can seize the moment to do a little yoga, walk my dog, clean this dump a little, something. I want to have a normal life, be productive, instead of feel like a vegetable all the time. I want to work at a job that feels manageable. I want a loving man in my life. Everything good feels out of reach. Sorry to be so filled with negativity. Just venting.

I have to wonder about Borderline Personality Disorder. It's the intensity of the anxiety and despair and the chronicity of it that makes me wonder. I've had a lot of diagnoses over the decades - depression, anxiety, PTSD, obsessive-compulsive disorder, ADD, and BPD was suggested as a possibility once or twice. It could explain the extreme level of distress without a clear precipitant. But I don't feel angry at people, just at myself. I don't know, and it probably doesn't matter. These symptoms overlap a lot of diagnoses. What matters is once again, trying to develop willingness to do the things I can to soothe myself in healthy ways, not be socially isolated, and be interested in other people, in order to get out of my self-absorption. It's hard, and I want things to be easy.

I know what you mean about knowing all the tools and yet somehow them not working. I was so sure after a T session that the "tools" I learned were going to help me get through my work. I went to work, and couldn't even handle it and lost my job. This was several jobs ago!
I don't know about all the diagnoses you mention, but it definitely sounds like you have Depression and Anxiety. Are you taking an antidepressant as well as the Xanax? Xanax is great for episodic anxiety but doesn't do much for depression or anhedonia. I hope venting on here at least helps you feel a little better, getting stuff out. I know I do when I write.

Z

Hi ~ I'm wondering too about the Xanax. It's great for anxiety but it sucks for Depression. You NEED to be on an antidepressant !!! Please talk to your therapist or doctor about this. The xanax is pulling you even further down - I was on it for a long time and I remember how it made me feel. It did take care of the anxiety attacks but it also depressed me.

Please talk to your therapist. You really need more help than just the Xanax. God bless and please take care. Hugs, Lee

Thank you so much Must Keep Job and Leed, for your responses. It means a lot to me to feel that someone hears (or reads) me. I stopped anti-depressants a couple of years ago, after 20 plus years of trying just about everything, tricyclics, MAOI's, SSRI's. I'd get temporary partial benefit with some, and no effect at all with others. I know there are some new ones out, and after going to the ER in near panic 2 days ago, I called my Tdoc about being seen right away. I'll see him tomorrow a.m. and discuss any anti-depressants I may not have tried. He's talked about atypical antipsychotic meds, abilify in particular. But, I'm scared to death of developing tardive dyskinesia, convinced that I'd be one of the lucky 3% that do. I feel slightly more functional today, because I took part of a capsule of vyvanse, a stimulant for ADD. I often don't take it because it worsens my insomnia, and I then need to take more sleep aids at night. What a shell game it is. I'm still in weekly therapy. But I feel I'm just saying the same things over and over. But, still there's support there. Thanks again for your support and concern, and excuse my verbosity.

Excuse your verbosity?! After twenty years plus of the drug and diagnosis merry-go-round I'm amazed at your brevity and self-control!

Sometimes I wonder what's worse: depression or its treatment.

Here's hoping your present therapy yields some progress.

Thanks for that, Rohag. Thanks everyone.