I never meant to be selfish...I just have so much rage

I am looking into the deeper meaning of being selfish.
Trying to put my rage aside for a few minutes to see what there is to live for.
It is time to stop making it be all "about me"...and realize who and what would be left behind.
It is so easy to blow it off and say, "I just am too freaking tired to live life anymore." But why? And what can be done to change that way of thinking? What brought me to the place of depair? Who is there that I love in this life, despite the hardships and hurt?
When my T told me tonight that I would be selfish...I had to take stock of that. I had to put perspective on what it is like sitting on the other side. I have been on that side. It didn't take long to remember the feeling.
Who would call me, my T asked? It would be Mare, my gf. How unfair that would be to both. They both care about me. They both love me. That is selfish. I see it. I feel it, which is more importantly.
I am balancing my dreams against my fears. I am balancing truth against lies.
If this makes sense to no one else...that is ok. I know I had to get these thoughts out.
I do not want to be selfish...I just want to be WHOLE! And, for that I am going to fight until I reach that place. Even if I get knocked back a step now and then. Even if everything in me tells me I am worthless. I am going to recall this moment, this time. And be proud to say I am not going to be selfish!
I want to be better! I want to be healthy!

I think this is a good post, it makes a lot of sense to me
I've done things when triggered which looking back on I regret and which could be seen as selfish
But each day gives us a new chance to be healthier
bsb

Good post. I think you've made a great resolution, and good luck with it.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))))

your journey is so rough right now. however, already you've shown bravery and knowledge to make it thru.

you know what i think. i couldn't be more proud of you. leaps and bounds...leaps and bounds.

Susan, you did it!!!!! You're not selfish at all. To take care of yourself is one of the most unselfish things you can do. There are lots of people who do care about you even when you're going towards the within.

I understand your post. I understand sometimes you don't feel worthy of love so therefore believe it can not truely exist for you. But it does and I'm glad you're starting to see that. ((((((((((Susan)))))))))))

go for it!

Thanks all.
I am trying my best

Trying, trying and trying, that is all you can do but by doing this, it shows how much you are a "WONDERFUL PERSON!"

Many hugs! Keep going wonderful you!

Time0

<font color="purple"> Sj, I do not feel a selfish bone in this post at all. YOu have thought this post out and you seem so sincer when you say what you have come to say to us all on here today.
I know how hard it is to deal with these thoughts you are having and I turlly understand why you want to do what youw want and I do understand the other side of this coin.
I have been on both sides just like you.
who would you call, Me for starters, your gf, and your T.
I have my husband after the 30 and today and the rest of my life and he is the only one I can call on anymore I have no one in my 3D world that I can call on if I get this way, Everyone has walked away from me.. So trsut me I fully understand how you feel..
Being this way is hard to be, and feeling these feelings are hard on all people we love in our lives.

Hang in there, it will get better for you.

Love and peace
Lady D. </font>

(((((((((((((((((((SJ))))))))))))))))))))

What a great post Susan ! Thanks for realizing this is a safe place to express yourself, whether you are feeling horrible, or feeling hopeful ! I wish you all the best in working on the issues you are dealing with, and like I have said a short time ago to you - I have seen such a change in you in the short time I have been coming to PC. Take care of YOU ! It is not selfish to do that !