[heidu]

Usually I try to get thru my days and not think about the big picture but the last few days I have been having alot of things "trigger" me and it's getting kinda hard to just focus on today.

I see my marriage getting better but it seems like it will be forever before I feel safe and content. I wonder if I will ever have the loving marriage I thought I would, that I think I deserve or that I want.

I have some good friends here but they are busy. Ones in Canada for a month, ones in America for a month (don't think I didn't try to get in that suitcase) and one is moving to Sweden in a couple weeks. My best friend here seems to be pulling away. I have hardly seen her all summer and she never calls or invites me over anymore. Maybe it's just something she is going thru. I don't know. I tried to talk to her about it a couple times but I guess I am not being clear enough and if I really say how I feel I will just end up bawling like an idiot.

It's very emotional for me becuase I have been feeling a little isolated these past 4 months cause my friends have been traveling and busy with summer activities and I rarely get a chance to be with them. My friendships I have here are very important to me.

My best friend is the hardest. She really seems gone. This is what happens. Frienships just fade away. Friends seem to get busy and I reach out but there doesn't seem to be a place for me in thier lives anymore. I don't understand it. I really care deeply for her and I don't want to lose her in my life. I thought she needed me as much as I need her but maybe not.
It's really making me sad.

Money and work is a problem. I really want to get a job and do something but I don't feel like a 9-5 is something I can handle. Mostly because of the language. I am not comfortable communicating with people in norwegian and having a real job means I am forced into some very uncomfortable situations. It scares me to think of trying to learn a new job when I have such a hard time understanding and what if I can't...what if I end up looking like a big idiot. That doesn't even include that the job market here is horrible and a norwegian would get a job before I am even considered.

I have my Mary Kay business but it scares me. I have a list of people to call to set up classes but I hear 20 no's before a yes and it's a struggle to get that far without giving up. Also I have to do that in norwegian and it's so hard on the phone to understand. I also have to get a $500 order to make any money and that means I need at least 3-4 classes in the same week. Not an easy feat when I know I will only get 3-4 yes's and they can't always revolve around my schedule.

I need to make some money. I miss being a girl. I miss clothes and girly stuff. I miss feeling like I contribute.

I have been trying to keep busy with the house but I gotta be honest and say working so hard by myself day after day is getting pretty old. It's near done so that's good but it's all the crappy detail stuff and although I am doing it, it's hard to keep motivated.

Also I am dealing with my family issues. I feel so uncared about and so sad about it. I wanted my family to just love me and care.

Like I said, I am feeling blah. Usually when I feel bad I just ask for a hug but today I really need someone to talk to. Anyone wanna go to a cafe and have a soda?

Heidu


The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[Fuzzybear]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I'm sorry you've been triggered by things the last few days .... I can relate to your sadness about friends fading away; I hate it when people leave, including people I have got to know on here. Would you like to share some chocolate with me?

Take care,
Fuzzy

[forgoten]

Dear sweet Heidu,

I'm sorry you are feeling sad and alone. I would gladly change places with you, because my goal right now is to be alone.
Friendship come and goes. But a best friend is really important. I hope your friend walks back toward you. In my life I am the one who is walking away, smootly and patiently, but going. I'm trying not to hurt anyone by doing this so I'm taking the time needed so they will get use not seeing me around.

I have time that I can spare today so I will go with you for that cup of coffee.

Take good care sweety!
forgoten

[heatherm]

{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}

I am so sorry you are having a blah day too hun....I am having one myself...not so much blah as it is stressful and my anxiety is high today .....sorry I am not doing a great job of cheering you up now am I?

Just know that I am thinking of you....hmmmm now you have me thinking of a job for you....what other work have you done? You seem to be quite savvy with the computer? I am very lucky that I work from my home office for my employer....would that be an option there for you too? PM me if you want more information as I also own a business too (Internet research)....I have clients worldwide and language is never a barrier with my business either. Basically what I do is research for clients using the internet as well as the library, etc.....usually market research, business research on other companies, legal research, etc. Honestly I don't have a lot of time to devote to my business and if you are interested...let me know ..I will pm my website address so you can have a look at my website too.

Now then ...that soda (we call it pop here in Canada ) sounds good to me too.


Heather

"The Pessimist complains about the wind, the Optimist expects it to change and the REALIST adjusts his sails." ~~~author unknown

[Rapunzel]

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Yes, I would very much like to go have a soda with you! Thanks for asking. :-) Sometimes I really wish that we had teleportation or something and could be wherever we want to be whenever we want to. I'm positive that we would be good friends, and I need someone to hang out with too. Well, let's go get a soda, shall we? And sit down and just talk it all over.

Wendy

<font color=red>"Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing." -Harriet Braiker</font color=red>

[SeptemberMorn]

<center>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Heidu}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</center>

Ramble away, Sweetie. It helps. If you ramble long enough, you can eventually come up with some answers. I have all the faith in the world that you can do it. You're wise, intelligent and strong.

<font color=blue>Don't die with your music still in you.</font color=blue>

[PlanningtoLive]

Heidu, anytime you want to go sit and chat, let's go. Soda sounds great.

It feels like today everyone is feeling blah......wouldn't it be awesome if just once we could all be together and talk? It would take days......lol.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad. It must be frustrating because most of the time you appear to be doing so well and don't vent too much on here......so I'm sending lots of hugs and sloppy drooling kisses from Alex's puppy (the stuffed dog).

We all want to be loved and cared about. I'm in the same spot like Forgoten now, but I can remember those feelings. You do contribute, esp. here but I know what you mean with finances. It's why I live on pain meds and work - I have to be earning a living or making sure money comes in and that is the only way.

You are such a terrific person, Heidu. This will pass but please take care of yourself. You're needed here, very much.

Mary Alice

[heidu]

Thanks everybody:O)
I know lots and lots of really nice people.
I dumped a coke on the keyboards trying to share....maybe not such a good idea huh?

Fuzzy,
Thanks for the understanding and chocolate? Oh hell yes!! Can't pass that up!!
Big hugs sweet bear,
Heidu

Forgotten,
Your words are always filled with gentleness and understanding. What a special special person you are. I hope some day you will tell me why it is you want to be so alone. I worry about you.
You take care too!!
Hugs,
Heidu

Heather,
Sorry youre having a blah day too. We can wallow together. I'll check into that job stuff with you. I would really love to do something and maybe it could suppliment my Mary Kay income.
I'll be in touch.
Soda eh?
Hugs,
Heidu

Wendy,
It would be way cool if we could just "be" wherever we wanted. I think I would like to hang out with ya :O)
Bigs hugs :O)
Heidu

Tomi,
I am wise, intelligent and strong. Thank you for seeing that in me. It means alot!!
Hugs,
Heidu

Mary Alice,

I think if we all got together we would never shut up :O)
I do try to be doing well most of the time. One day at a time. But sometimes I get over whelmed. Part of helping me feel better is to try to help others. It makes me feel alive and necessary.
Thanks for the compliments. I need to go get a towel cause I have dog slobber all over my face :O)
Big hugs sweetie,
Heidu

Thanks everyone :O)
Love,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[bevers]

Heidu....
I know how you feel, like your friends are gone and there is no room,
for you in their lives.... I thought the same thing for a while about
a couple of friends, but I soon found out that they get busy but when
we are able to get together, its like we were never apart....
Your traveling friends will be back, and your friends close to home that
are distancing send them a simple hello friend card.....
Maybe they need a nudge in the right direction, unfortunately I know
that some will leave , but you have a whole bunch of friends here
who care and want to listen.... So keep talking.....

I also understand the money and work issue, I have a chronic illness
that prevents me from working full time hours , but where am I going
to find something that keeps me away from the public where I can
work a few hours a week, and not have to worry if I am too sick to
come in.... That is also why I have lost some friends because of my
illness I don't have the energy to be able to go visit them... Thats why
some people I have met on line through these support groups is
so important to me, they are there they care, and you can so almost
anything.....

Your not alone..... keep in touch
{{{{{{{ heidu}}}}}}}

Bevers

[heidu]

Thanks Bev for your kind thoughts and understanding. It does help to know that someone understands how I feel.
These forums have been great for me cause I always know someone will be here to talk to. It's nice :O)
Take care of you,
Hugs,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin

[forgoten]

I don't know why you and the people in here keep giving me compliments or saying that I'm special. I am not special. You don't know me. I'm very very far from special. I don't deserve this. All those lovely caring words I do not deserve.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. And if you still want to go for that soda, I will go with you.

Take care sweety!
forgoten

[Peanut61]

((((((((((((((((((Heidu)))))))))))))))))))) =

XOXOXOXO!!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[inkblot]

Ooooooo, rambling! I *LOVE* rambling! I've done enough rambling online before, too. Ramble all you want, that's what this forum is here for. Not much for a hug today, huh? How about both hugs and going out? Where should we meet? I really wish that we could. I hate when I feel the way you do now. I've been kind of craving socialization the past couple days, too. We're having a party at work tomorrow, so me preparing for that and buying balloons and a mini bottle of Jack Daniels for our boss as a surprise gift was a pick-me-up. Then I realized that I forgot to call someone important. I feel really bad about that. Anyway, I know that things will improve for you soon. Hey, why don't you make up a reason to party? Just pick a theme for the day and stick to it. You don't have to spend anything either. Brainstorm a bit. It could be fun! By the way, did you all know that last week was National Mental Health Week in the USA? Have a great day, Heidu!

[bevers]

keep Rambling,,,, alot of times what you are rambling about is
what others are feeling they just can't express it or are afraid to
express it....... Its so nice to know we aren't alone , and that
others know exactly how you feel.....

It helps alot of us... I know it helps me.... I am not usually very good
at getting words out right, so I sometimes just figure its better to
be silent... not to mention I don't have much of a self esteem and
always figure what I do say is stupid.....

Thanks for Rambling......

Bevers

[heidu]

Thanks AGAIN to all :O)

Forgotten,
We keep telling you that you are special cause you are silly!!! It's true, I don't really know you. You haven't shared alot about you BUT what you have shared has touched all of us and that little part of you that you let us have is kind, loving, thoughtful and it means alot to us.

SO whether you believe it or not, you are special.
Time for a Pepsi today?
Hugs,
Heidu

Jill,
Thanks for the hugs and rose. It means alot.
Hugs,¨
Heidu

Inkblot,
Thanks for the thoughts and understanding. Hope that party went well and you had a nice time. I love to plan parties.
Hugs,
Heidu

Bevers,
I know what you mean. Sometimes with the poems or stories or thoughts it says something that I wasn't able to say or helps me realize a feeling and why. It's really good sometimes to have someone else do the thinking for you :O) then you can just read it and say "ahhh yes, that was it!!"
More rambling to come, that I can promise ;O)
Hugs,
Heidu

The highest reward for a person's toil is not what they get for it, but what they become by it.
John Ruskin