I need to talk

I'm overdoing the depressing posts, I fear, and asking too much for support. Yet, here I go again. I'm in a very dark, scary place these days. A friend called with an invite to a community event. I thought it would be good to get out, and accepted her offer of a ride. Once there, I noticed a young couple with a puppy. The puppy was whimpering and very frightened. She told me he was 6 weeks old. I told her that a pup needs it's mother and littermates until at least 8 weeks. She disagreed. She mentioned her father, who was present, preparing food for this homelessness event. Seeing him, I remembered that, 15 years ago, I was a juvenile court investigator, appointed to this family's case, involving abuse/neglect. She was removed temporarily from her home at age 5, as a result of serious sexual abuse. I started crying, and could not stop. I was about to walk home, when my friend insisted on driving me home, which I'm sure inconvenienced her. We had come to help with meal prep for the homeless. I'm disturbed that I had no self-control, and was so triggered by this crying puppy, and the theme of being taken from home. Dog welfare is my number one hot button. It's obviously also about the neglect I felt as a child, not getting crucial emotional needs met. Abandonment is a theme again lately, because my own large energetic dog's needs aren't being adequately met. I'm trying as best I can, but I also have to consider re-homing him, if (and only if) I found a home where he'd be happier and healthier.

I'm upset for so many reasons, at so many levels. After so much effort to heal over the years, I feel more despair and confusion in the past few years than ever before. To go to pieces in public, suddenly, and be so rigid, so unable to regain self-control, is very disturbing. My only thought was to go home immediately. And apparently, I'm going to pieces in public again, right now. It's humiliating. Sometimes, I can't stand being in my own skin. Everyone here at PC tries to be their best selves, and I go about like Lady Macbeth. I feel like a dark cloud here sometimes. I'm sorry. Is this inappropriate? Best kept to myself? I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Hello, Lavieenrose!
This is EXACTLY the time to reach out through posts. You aren't overdoing anything.

Between the puppy and the memories, the triggering seems as if it were inevitable. Sometimes, despite our desires to be "healthy," events beyond our control intersect with our all-too-real if unwelcome weakness to send us out of control.

I write knowing the next hour or day could see me "losing it" for no good reason and finding myself on the ground paralyzed by emotional withdrawal.

If dark clouds were not welcome here, I would never have joined PsychCentral.

lavieenrose,

I'm so glad you reached out and asked for support. It is important for US ALL.
I can relate. I have a very hard time when I think an animal may be neglected or hurting. It is (we hope) a natural, human response. But I can tell in myself that it is more than that, it is compulsive. I feel overwhelmed, out of control and the idea of an animal suffering almost makes me feel like I am suffocating from anxiety. I have gone over this a bit in therapy and something that my T mentioned was that I relate to the helplessness of an animal who may have no control over their environment because it reminds me of being neglected as a child (just as you had said).

I think this has to do with issues of control. We all have things that are beyond our control. But I know that in me, this feels intolerable. Please keep seeking out help to understand why you may be feeling the way you do now: with a therapist or in group therapy. I have found Al Anon helpful but there are other types of groups as well.

You are SO important, lavieenrose. Please keep seeking new ways to learn about yourself through your past. Please keep asking for help, both here and IRL. You deserve to feel better and to have the anxiety lessen.

Elana

If you need to talk, that's what this forum's here for. Don't ever worry about that while posting in this forum. If it's ever too much for someone, they can stop reading to take care of themselves, and those who are able to read will.

I'm not sure that I'm reading this right - Are you saying that 15 years ago, you took your now-friend from her family, including from this guy who was now preparing food for the homeless event?

I understand about the melting into tears over things that would hardly touch most people. That's what started the last cascade of events that put me on disability. It was bad enough that I cried at work when I had jobs, but after going though serious workplace mobbing and being forced to resign, I could not ask for an application without bursting into tears, much less get through an interview. Who's going to hire the one that can't say the word "job" without bursting into tears?

It's easier to look like our best selves through the computer screen. We all have times when we have to reach out, and other times when we can reach to others, and other times when we need to take care of ourselves. I bet there are enough of us here that all roles can get filled without anybody getting pushed too far - so don't worry about it.

lavieenrose

i agree with others - thats what the forum is for.

i completely understand your feelings about postings, i happen to feel the same and have held back from expressing myself thusfar as i really dont know where to start. im sure the time will come as i feel im about at a point that i need to do something.

please dont feel upset or humiliated. sometimes things happen, like you described, that touches the innermost part of us. yeah its happened me and i didnt enjoy it either but its happening for a reason too, i think. either memories or a breaking point, or maybe both

be kind to yourself, keep posting.

(((((((((lavie))))))))))) I completely agree with the others. You are sooooo NOT being inappropriate!!! This site is supposed to be the place where we can be honest about the bad stuff. I know it's hard sometimes though. I have a problem starting my own threads. So I think you're really brave to reach out for support and I admire you for it. Also, as you can see, there are plenty of folks who genuinely WANT to offer whatever words of comfort they can

I'm so sorry you got badly triggered today. I can definitely understand why. And I really know what you mean about hating being in your own skin sometimes. I feel like that quite a lot. I'm so glad your friend drove you home. Were you able to open up to her about what was going on internally??

I'm really sorry that happened today. We've all been in situations where we've broken down in public, and it definitely doesn't feel good. But it's nothing to be ashamed of either. So please don't feel embarrassed or whatever. It's great you're talking about it here and I hope it helps a bit. Big hugs to you (((((((lavie)))))))

Rohag and Elana, thank you so much. I started crying all over again when I read your wonderful notes. I almost feel I can reach out and grasp your hands across cyberspace. Getting this out is important. I wish I didn't have a backlash of shame every time I dare take up space and speak my emotions and experience. Yet, I applaud and support others for doing that.

I don't know why my life has been so hard. Even entering it was a struggle. I swallowed amniotic fluid, had anoxia, and nearly died. That and scarlet fever age 6 may have caused minor cognitive problems. An abusive drug-addicted brother, neglectful parents who loved me but were in chronic crisis themselves. I was invisible. Growing up with my dad having recurrent cancer, always ill, my mom resenting him for it. She was always narcissistic, angry, bitter, wanted me to mother her. Already emotionally fragile, I was raped at 16 during a family vacation. A lifetime of inattention or dissociation, terrible self-esteem, depression, anxiety...I just have not been able to recover from all this.

I made strides at times, had good periods for 6 months at a time, approached normalcy. Then, a host of new problems began with menopause four years ago. I've never been hit this hard, this long, without a break. Since menopause, rosacea and a compulsion to pick, then the strangest yet, musical pseudo-hallucinations, not psychotic, more OCD-related, and really annoying. It comes and goes, but when it comes, it's constant and repetitive. Imagine 18 hours of Amazing Grace or Help Me Rhonda or the '60's Marlboro cigarette jingle. A year ago, I lost all drive for creating art, a life-long passion, as well as motivation for cooking, cleaning, bathing, reading, writing, etc., and substituted watching old Bonanza episodes in their place.

I'm focusing here on the bad stuff, I realize. There's been the good, too, just not nearly enough to balance out the bad. I really, really hope it can still get better. If I could work or volunteer, find a new therapist, a drug that works, a local support group, a husband, a belief in God...get back to meditation, get out of the small "I", get a brain transplant. I'll keep working at it, keep trying to show up. There are big pieces of my story here that I haven't told before. (Let's just keep it between us...and the internet). I appreciate your indulgence and forgiveness, and hope that I haven't been a bore.

E1234567, the young woman (who appeared with her boyfriend and the puppy) was the 5 year old, already removed from home, when I was appointed by the judge to investigate 15 years ago. Thanks to everyone who posted comments, E1234567, MoAnamCara, (((((Sundog))))). Thanks for the acknowledgment and acceptance. It makes a big difference. I didn't see your posts until after I added my second post.

Good grief lavieenrose, no wonder that was horribly triggering! Of course you had to go home especially with that guy there preparing food. Anybody would have been shaken apart in your shoes.

I'm still new here, so I don't know what else you have been going through recently or if it's been one of those periods when our past just seems to vomit into our present, but adding an event like this on top of anything - sheesh, when it rains, it pours. What a horrible day.

I'm glad that we were able to be here for you.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with reaching out for help. I understand completely how you feel and m heart is there for u. Its a dark hole we get oursselves into sometimes and it seems we cant always find the way out ourselves. I feel like that now too. I think you should use whatever means you can to reach out and this is a great place to do it...post 3-4 times a day or more if you need to! Dont worry about people and how they think, they can always choose to not read a post if they feel its too much...as for others that can lend a helping hand, accept it and know you are not alone. best of wishes to you always!

Thank you bigbear for your kindness. It's greatly appreciated. I'm sorry that you're also in one of those dark holes, and I'm glad to be a support to you, too. I can be a good listener. I also don't want to trigger others, who might be reading, but I have to trust that they can take care of themselves, as you said. Seems I hold it all in, go it alone, until some breaking point, and then it comes out like Vesuvius spewing lava. Thanks again to all of you wonderful PC folks.

I wish you all the best. Its sometimes a hard struggle. I have a lot on my plate right now too, but it makes it a little easier to know that some people do understand. Consider me a friend. take care!