[Distressed2010]

Hey,
Please pleasE READ THIS, I KNow its sort of long but I would appreciate it. Thanks!!

For those who haven't read my posts, I was sexually abused by my brother in law for 7 years of my childhood. practically all of my childhood. He's 18 years elder to me. And by sexual abuse, I mean sexual all the way, including sex, etc...

So, today I finally told my sister. She cried. He abuses her a lot, hits her, beats her, cusses her out, etc.

Her responses confused me. She cried coz she was hurt but I didn't feel like she understood the effects it had on me.

Most times she asked me why didnt you tell me before. I explained how I was a kid, I didn't know wtf was happening and many other factors. Constantly kept asking me why didnt you tell me before??

What irked me was:

1. She said she was going to file for divorce and drench him from all of his money. Cool. I asked her if she could ask them how I could do the same (not drench him, but ask for money for American Therapy - I moved away from US last year and would like skype with an american therapist, they cost 220 dollars per session and i need $$ for that.)

Her response: "Well... umm I dont know, thats between you and him."

Cool, it is. but atleast console me a little and let me know "ok Sam, I'll do that for ya."

2. The second thing that irked me:

At the end of conversation, I asked her to please not disclose this to anyone but a therapist. I understand she has to deal with this, its hard for her, etc.. but at the same time, this is MY PERSONAL information FIRST and I do expect others to keep it private. I wouldn't like it being disclosed without my consent.

Her response: "Um.. its MY PERSONAL LIFE! he's the father of my kids!!!!!"

Um. wtf! Okay fine, yes it includes her personal life. and YES it affects her MAJORLY, but the first person here would be me, I would think. especially since this is during my childhood. and I don't really feel like i ever had one anymore because of this. I took so much courage to tell her.. what I really expected was:

Wow, sam I'm really sorry for what he's done to you. THis is really affecting me too, he's the father of my kids etc etc.. but I can see how this has affected you..

----And I know one thing that irked her. I told her i'd no longer call her the title "elder sister" anymore. In indian people, we sometimes have that. If someone is elder than you, you address them by the name followed by elder sister or brother. Well, my other sis is 4 years younger to her, she doesnt have to say it.

And my views on it is that I don't like saying it because in my life I've seen people abuse it. She used to be mean to me and constantly woudl say "i'm your older sister, you dont do this you dont do that. I said so... etc etc etc.."

NO. just coz you said so, doesn't mean I gotta do it. I dont like that kind of relationship where someone has more power. I feel everyone's rights and feelings should be respected. I'm sure it hurt her when I said that and she took it personally but I just don't feel the need and want to say it to her after everything happened and there was this one time, she betrayed me.

3. Then she said. Sam, you really should look into yourself, your life, and how you handle relationships.. I'm just saying...

What she meant to say was, Sam you cant keep relationships coz you never do what I say. Bad bad bad. Just like she used to say i'm bad in childhood.

I really didn't like the above 3 irk-ations. Need other peoples views on this please!

I do feel a whole lot better after telling once again. Oh and i confronted her husband but he obviously denied it. She believed me. (they were in different countries when I revealed it so it was easier to talk to both of them). I had given the bastard an ultimatum Either you tell her in 4 hours or I'm gonna. So i did!

She also said she had been waiting for me to tell her this so she could finally divorce him. this was the last thread she'd been waiting for.

What? But he used to hit you until you got black in the face, why did you have to wait for ME? you already knew what he was doing was wrong!

Hello, Distressed. I am so sorry for what happened to you.

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Hey,
Please pleasE READ THIS, I KNow its sort of long but I would appreciate it. Thanks!!

For those who haven't read my posts, I was sexually abused by my brother in law for 7 years of my childhood. practically all of my childhood. He's 18 years elder to me. And by sexual abuse, I mean sexual all the way, including sex, etc...

So, today I finally told my sister. She cried. He abuses her a lot, hits her, beats her, cusses her out, etc.

Her responses confused me. She cried coz she was hurt but I didn't feel like she understood the effects it had on me.

Most times she asked me why didnt you tell me before. I explained how I was a kid, I didn't know wtf was happening and many other factors. Constantly kept asking me why didnt you tell me before??

What irked me was:

1. She said she was going to file for divorce and drench him from all of his money. Cool. I asked her if she could ask them how I could do the same (not drench him, but ask for money for American Therapy - I moved away from US last year and would like skype with an american therapist, they cost 220 dollars per session and i need $$ for that.)

Her response: "Well... umm I dont know, thats between you and him."

Cool, it is. but atleast console me a little and let me know "ok Sam, I'll do that for ya."

2. The second thing that irked me:

At the end of conversation, I asked her to please not disclose this to anyone but a therapist. I understand she has to deal with this, its hard for her, etc.. but at the same time, this is MY PERSONAL information FIRST and I do expect others to keep it private. I wouldn't like it being disclosed without my consent.

Her response: "Um.. its MY PERSONAL LIFE! he's the father of my kids!!!!!"

Um. wtf! Okay fine, yes it includes her personal life. and YES it affects her MAJORLY, but the first person here would be me, I would think. especially since this is during my childhood. and I don't really feel like i ever had one anymore because of this. I took so much courage to tell her.. what I really expected was:

Wow, sam I'm really sorry for what he's done to you. THis is really affecting me too, he's the father of my kids etc etc.. but I can see how this has affected you..

----And I know one thing that irked her. I told her i'd no longer call her the title "elder sister" anymore. In indian people, we sometimes have that. If someone is elder than you, you address them by the name followed by elder sister or brother. Well, my other sis is 4 years younger to her, she doesnt have to say it.

And my views on it is that I don't like saying it because in my life I've seen people abuse it. She used to be mean to me and constantly woudl say "i'm your older sister, you dont do this you dont do that. I said so... etc etc etc.."

NO. just coz you said so, doesn't mean I gotta do it. I dont like that kind of relationship where someone has more power. I feel everyone's rights and feelings should be respected. I'm sure it hurt her when I said that and she took it personally but I just don't feel the need and want to say it to her after everything happened and there was this one time, she betrayed me.

3. Then she said. Sam, you really should look into yourself, your life, and how you handle relationships.. I'm just saying...

What she meant to say was, Sam you cant keep relationships coz you never do what I say. Bad bad bad. Just like she used to say i'm bad in childhood.

I really didn't like the above 3 irk-ations. Need other peoples views on this please!

I do feel a whole lot better after telling once again. Oh and i confronted her husband but he obviously denied it. She believed me. (they were in different countries when I revealed it so it was easier to talk to both of them). I had given the bastard an ultimatum Either you tell her in 4 hours or I'm gonna. So i did!

She also said she had been waiting for me to tell her this so she could finally divorce him. this was the last thread she'd been waiting for.

What? But he used to hit you until you got black in the face, why did you have to wait for ME? you already knew what he was doing was wrong!

Oh and she said, But you must've had feelings for him. ARE YOU SERIOUS?? I WAS A CHILD!

[Leed]

Bless your heart ~ This man may be hurting OTHER children as we speak!! What about her OWN children?? It's possible he may have even hurt them!!!

A child molester doesn't care who's children he hurts ~ it could be his own - he doesn't care. This man needs to be taken off the streets!!

You should SUE him, if it's at all possible. I don't know if you can - you should check with an attorney. If it IS possible, go for it, because this guy needs to be put away.

I'm so sorry for what you have suffered. I pray to God that you have a therapist - you need someone to talk to about this. I know therapy is expensive, but it's well worth it. You DESERVE to get well - this "secret" can easily make you ill.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by Leed

Bless your heart ~ This man may be hurting OTHER children as we speak!! What about her OWN children?? It's possible he may have even hurt them!!!

A child molester doesn't care who's children he hurts ~ it could be his own - he doesn't care. This man needs to be taken off the streets!!

You should SUE him, if it's at all possible. I don't know if you can - you should check with an attorney. If it IS possible, go for it, because this guy needs to be put away.

I'm so sorry for what you have suffered. I pray to God that you have a therapist - you need someone to talk to about this. I know therapy is expensive, but it's well worth it. You DESERVE to get well - this "secret" can easily make you ill.

My thoughts and prayers are with you, my friend. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Thank you Leed.

Funny thing is, I really don't feel he molested his own kids. But I might be wrong. I feel like he might have selectively not selected his kids because all my life he's tried to portray me as the bad one and the liar and maybe that was just part of his plan. He didn't want to do his kids coz then he'd be proven wrong. But if he only did me, then hey! she's lying. Thats just my personal feeling from what i know about this guy.

It also hurts to know that if he has done it to his own kids, someone will take action. But hey, since its just little old Sam, never mind then. I really feel that way.

See, he's the "manipulative" kind. I read a lot about this, and one of the factors was that pedophiles choose kids that are lonely and act as the only one who loves them. Well, thats what he did to me.

And yes, I know i was a kid but I still somedays tell myself, why did I take it for so long?

Why didn't i tell anyone?

Why was i so stupid?

Even my other sister, when I told her, her response was "oh gosh thats terrible. He tried to do that with me too, but I was smart, I knew what he was doing so I said no". Well she would have probably been 18 when he tried to. He caught me early at the age of 11.

Her comment really made me feel terrible for so long, I blamed myself. my dumb *****y useless & mean sister.

[craZgirl]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Hey,
Please pleasE READ THIS, I KNow its sort of long but I would appreciate it. Thanks!!

For those who haven't read my posts, I was sexually abused by my brother in law for 7 years of my childhood. practically all of my childhood. He's 18 years elder to me. And by sexual abuse, I mean sexual all the way, including sex, etc...

So, today I finally told my sister. She cried. He abuses her a lot, hits her, beats her, cusses her out, etc.

Her responses confused me. She cried coz she was hurt but I didn't feel like she understood the effects it had on me.

Most times she asked me why didnt you tell me before. I explained how I was a kid, I didn't know wtf was happening and many other factors. Constantly kept asking me why didnt you tell me before??

What irked me was:

1. She said she was going to file for divorce and drench him from all of his money. Cool. I asked her if she could ask them how I could do the same (not drench him, but ask for money for American Therapy - I moved away from US last year and would like skype with an american therapist, they cost 220 dollars per session and i need $$ for that.)

Her response: "Well... umm I dont know, thats between you and him."

Cool, it is. but atleast console me a little and let me know "ok Sam, I'll do that for ya."

2. The second thing that irked me:

At the end of conversation, I asked her to please not disclose this to anyone but a therapist. I understand she has to deal with this, its hard for her, etc.. but at the same time, this is MY PERSONAL information FIRST and I do expect others to keep it private. I wouldn't like it being disclosed without my consent.

Her response: "Um.. its MY PERSONAL LIFE! he's the father of my kids!!!!!"

Um. wtf! Okay fine, yes it includes her personal life. and YES it affects her MAJORLY, but the first person here would be me, I would think. especially since this is during my childhood. and I don't really feel like i ever had one anymore because of this. I took so much courage to tell her.. what I really expected was:

Wow, sam I'm really sorry for what he's done to you. THis is really affecting me too, he's the father of my kids etc etc.. but I can see how this has affected you..

----And I know one thing that irked her. I told her i'd no longer call her the title "elder sister" anymore. In indian people, we sometimes have that. If someone is elder than you, you address them by the name followed by elder sister or brother. Well, my other sis is 4 years younger to her, she doesnt have to say it.

And my views on it is that I don't like saying it because in my life I've seen people abuse it. She used to be mean to me and constantly woudl say "i'm your older sister, you dont do this you dont do that. I said so... etc etc etc.."

NO. just coz you said so, doesn't mean I gotta do it. I dont like that kind of relationship where someone has more power. I feel everyone's rights and feelings should be respected. I'm sure it hurt her when I said that and she took it personally but I just don't feel the need and want to say it to her after everything happened and there was this one time, she betrayed me.

3. Then she said. Sam, you really should look into yourself, your life, and how you handle relationships.. I'm just saying...

What she meant to say was, Sam you cant keep relationships coz you never do what I say. Bad bad bad. Just like she used to say i'm bad in childhood.

I really didn't like the above 3 irk-ations. Need other peoples views on this please!

I do feel a whole lot better after telling once again. Oh and i confronted her husband but he obviously denied it. She believed me. (they were in different countries when I revealed it so it was easier to talk to both of them). I had given the bastard an ultimatum Either you tell her in 4 hours or I'm gonna. So i did!

She also said she had been waiting for me to tell her this so she could finally divorce him. this was the last thread she'd been waiting for.

What? But he used to hit you until you got black in the face, why did you have to wait for ME? you already knew what he was doing was wrong!

Maybe ur sister isnt really the type to take a stand 4 things if she is the only perosn who wants 2 do it. I am very proud of you that u built up courage to talk about it., and to take a stand. Maybe it is hard for her to let go of stuff easily although they are bed or wrong. Im guessing she was waiting for s/o to agree with her decision abt getting a dicorce because she wanted support and s/o on her side. she need u to help her pull thru this

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by craZgirl

Maybe ur sister isnt really the type to take a stand 4 things if she is the only perosn who wants 2 do it. I am very proud of you that u built up courage to talk about it., and to take a stand. Maybe it is hard for her to let go of stuff easily although they are bed or wrong. Im guessing she was waiting for s/o to agree with her decision abt getting a dicorce because she wanted support and s/o on her side. she need u to help her pull thru this

Thanks for the supoort crazgirl.
My sister has all the support, more than me actually i have no one, she has the entire family telling her to leave this man for 14 years but she won't.

So, thats why I didn't understand why she said she was waiting for me...

But thankyou. It was hard for me. and its harder when someone asks you "did you have feelings for your pedophile?". um.. noo. it doens't work that way.

[Elana05]

(((Distressed2010)))

My heart is with you. You were brave to tell her. I hope that you can both receive counseling. But I hope you will take what she says back to you with a grain of salt. She may say things that sound completely out of line and beyond belief. She has been abused as well and doesn't have the ability to think clearly. Who knows where it comes from. She may have deep-seated guilt that somehow she should have been able to protect you. Be strong and be gentle with yourself. You deserve all the best and you deserve help to work through the childhood trauma that you experienced. You are important.

Ugh. He probably did molest his own children. I am so sorry for what happened to you and her responses.

I hope you can get some therapy to deal with this.

[hanners]

It's so difficult to disclose something like this, only to be shut down the way your sister did. My heart goes out to you.

[turquoisesea]

I agree with you. But most of your post is asking "why" or showing confusion of how she could act like this. And to me that's simple - abuse of any kind does CRAZY things to all of us. And maybe that's her way of dealing it. Try not to take it personal, try to understand it sounds like she is hurt too... that does NOT make it right, but it does mean we can understand it.

I'm sorry she didn't react the way you needed. But now is the time for you to start healing. It sounds like you've grown a lot and are on a good path, keep walking, and take care

[Distressed2010]

Thanks everyone for responding.

oh, I found out why he did it btw, he told my sister, that he wanted revenge from her, so he took it from me.

I hate him. CREEP.

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by Distressed2010

Thanks everyone for responding.

oh, I found out why he did it btw, he told my sister, that he wanted revenge from her, so he took it from me.

I hate him. CREEP.

Oh that's horrible. There is never a 'good why' behind any of this... are you in a position where you are safe from him now? What do you feel you need now, emotionally? Its especially hard dealing with something in the past because we simply can not change it. We can only change our attitudes and current experiences. Again, I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. Do keep us updated - how are you doing today?

[Distressed2010]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

Oh that's horrible. There is never a 'good why' behind any of this... are you in a position where you are safe from him now? What do you feel you need now, emotionally? Its especially hard dealing with something in the past because we simply can not change it. We can only change our attitudes and current experiences. Again, I'm so so sorry this has happened to you. Do keep us updated - how are you doing today?

Hi,

Thankyou turqouisesea. I'm not sure If i am safe from him, but somehow today I am being very bugged by his abusive texts. he also said lots of things to myother sister (not his wife) and she passed it on to me, but I was hurt by her insensitivity and asking me detailed questions when I didn't want to relive the trauma.

now i feel like I'm reliving the trauma from him. It wasn't just sexual child abuse. he also emotionally manipulated me, emotionally abused me, used to belittle me, do a lot of things. Get the whole family against me.. all this is coming back.

I feel like if this person had not been a part of our family, I would have had a much better childhood.

Also, I feel emotionally and mentally exhausted.

If you get a chance, Please do read another post of mine that I put up today, its called the Aftermath of revealing childhood sexual abuse Part 2. Its under ABUSE forum. I would really appreciate your input.

Thanks!