[thine_self_untrue]

It's always the little things. The things that everyone else would have no trouble coping with. The things I hate myself for. I'm so ****ing confused...

I feel like I have no where to turn. Like I have exhausted everything available to me. I can hit ya'll up for a few encouraging words and then have this thread disappear quicker than I wrote it. I can tell my boy friend I'm having a hard time, but to what end? He can't really make me feel better and I'll just end up regretting it because he'll be worried and nothing will have come out right anyway. I could go journal more ****. Make a few more mental circles until I am too tired to feel unsafe anymore.

I. AM. FINE. Why can I not act like it? Why am I falling half way apart and yet staying together on the outside? Why can't I just flipping lose it already? That would be much kinder than the inbetween. I need to be able to breathe without feeling like its suffocating something inside of me. I need to be able to trust someone without fear. I need to be able to love people without it hurting so ****ing much.

I need to get it together. I am falling behind. I am losing it. And yet, I'm not. I. AM. FINE. Say it a few more times, maybe it'll come true. Like a stupid magic spell.

I don't know what I'm saying. All the same old stuff. I was like this last night and I said tomorrow would be better. It usually is. Well damn it, tomorrow hurts too. How many tomorrows can I do this for? I wish I would just lose it. That would be easier. Sanity is cruel. I cannot do this- watch me keep going.

[online user]

So sorry to hear you are in pain tonight. You sound like a very intelligent and resourceful person. I hope I get a chance to know you better. hugs tonight!

Hello, Thine. You have done a lot to make a better life for yourself. I have no useful words, but I am rooting for you.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by thine_self_untrue

It's always the little things. The things that everyone else would have no trouble coping with.

I could've written this. Does this cause you a lot of shame? It causes me a lot of shame...

[Elley]

I don't have much advice, but hugs

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by SophiaG

I could've written this. Does this cause you a lot of shame? It causes me a lot of shame...

So. So. Much.

[SophiaG]

Originally Posted by thine_self_untrue

So. So. Much.

It's caused me to not talk about my issues for months. This feeling of shame.

Mental Illness sucks. I hate it.

How are you doing, Thine?

Hey Thine.
Push forward. Don't think about yesterday, don't think about all the tomorrows to come, but most of all, don't think about the pain. Think "today," "right now," and see how you feel.
I'm trying to come up with the best advice possible. I'm sorry if this does not help!

Hope you overcome your troubles asap. Wishing the best for you!!!!!!

[thine_self_untrue]

Originally Posted by opaquemind0

...don't think about the pain. Think "today," "right now," and see how you feel.

I try not to think about the pain, I really do. I try to ignore that I feel so...something. But if I let it slip for even a second I'm like "Yeah. Right. I feel for freaking wonderful. Of course. Not." Frankly, I don't have the energy to act happy.
I just want numb back... I could function better in numb.

Originally Posted by thine_self_untrue

I try not to think about the pain, I really do.

Good!
I understand that "slip" moment. It's super discouraging, I know. Well, maybe don't think, "must try for happy," "must be happy," but be numb?

As long as being numb doesn't hurt you, go for it. But do you mean emotionally hardened kinda numb? I've gone through that. I felt on top of the world that I could be that way. It was intense and stressful to be so numb, but I calmed down later and went to a level I was more content with.

Hmm...I'm wondering where I'm going with this one..
Hugs till we talk again. ((((((((Thine)))))))))

[charlie13]

OMG I feel just like u well said.I feel like I can't breath and am suffucating..I feel like I'm drowning and I make it just high enough to get one breath then back down, like I have weights attached to my ankles it hurts soo much I'm sick of all this pain.No one understands and at times I feel that even my psychiatrist can't understand..Experience trumps knowledge in my book!! I have a hard time starting conversation with my psychiatrist during psychotherapy so I write words down and give it to him so he can pick and choose what to talk about. This may help u ??

[notablackbarbie]

((((thine_self_untrue))))
(((everyone else)))
Damn i can relate. Its so frustrating. And confusing. Like seriously, how are we? With all of this...?

[thine_self_untrue]

I'm feeling better. AKA more numb. *sighs* Is this what everyone feels like? I don't get this whole "life is so great" thing. Life seems to equal pain, no matter how you slice it and even if your brain is more normal.

[mudgey]

[Quote] "I. AM. FINE. Why can I not act like it? Why am I falling half way apart and yet staying together on the outside? Why can't I just flipping lose it already? That would be much kinder than the inbetween. I need to be able to breathe without feeling like its suffocating something inside of me. I need to be able to trust someone without fear. I need to be able to love people without it hurting so ****ing much."

I could not have said this portion better myself. Crazy on the inside and can't necessarily explain why even though there is a lot going on in my life, but put together on the outside, so when people look at me I'm "normal". Suffocating something inside. I have been this way most of my life. Not sure who to talk to or what. The scariest thing was I had a panic attack a few weeks back and thought I had pulled myself together, but my boss asked for the first time if I was okay. So, the outside is starting to crumble, but not completely yet.

Thine, life is wonderful...but people aren't.
Forget the people, think about what can be offered to you (in a positive way), take it, and run!

Wishing you the best!