[dexter]

It has been so hard fighting this depression. Today I didn't go to partial, instead the people from the diversion program took me to legal services for advice, and to go food shopping and to the laundromat.

It feels so good to have food again in the house.

But this evening my arthritis is hurting so bad... even with an extra dose of painkiller, I still was unable to move out of bed all afternoon and evening (I didn't nap however, so hopefully I will be able to sleep tonight). It hurts so badly right now, and I just want it to subside enough for me to sleep, but I also want to be able to get up in the morning and not take a half hour just to get up from the bed.

So I didn't have any opportunity to eat any of the food I bought today... it is all down one flight of stairs... no way tonight... and so now I don't even care about it any more and I'm not even very hungry.

I hate drinking tap water. I never ever drink tap water. But I've had to because I've had nothing in the house for two weeks. Now I have milk and soda and Gatorade... and I took my evening meds with tap water tonight because I just can't face going downstairs.

I freakin' hate this, and it is very hard for me to get past... which I will need to do to get past this depression.

[dexter]

And I stripped my bed this morning so I could bring the sheets to the laundromat... and now I can't lift or unfold them, let alone move the bed away from the wall, so I don't even have a proper bed to sleep tonight. If it were warmer I'd just lay on top, but I'll need something warm, still no heat here and it is getting colder...

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((((((Dexter))))))))))))))))

[BlueFaith]

(((((dexter)))))
I couldn't even imagine having pain like that. I hope it stops very soon.

[dexter]

Took a bunch of Tylenol before even showering this morning... so right now I feel a little better. I really hope I am able to make my bed this afternoon after program, sleeping was not comfortable yesterday, and I had to keep my space heater on all night to keep warm, and I'm already behind on my electric bill as it is...

I am up and alert for partial this morning...

[dexter]

And ARRRRGGG!!! I'm playing the waiting game with the van again... 9:30 and it is still not here yet...

[Fuzzybear]

Hope the van arrives soon! (((((((((((((((((((((dex)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[dexter]

I've got the space heater off (afraid if I leave it on I will forget to shut it off if/when the van comes) and I'm FREEZING!!!

Archeologists may find me 1000 years in the future, frozen and preserved, sitting in front of PsychCentral Chat at my keyboard...

[NICO]

hope you feel well soon mate. i think tai chi may be hugely benificial too you ive tried it and i found it helped with my anxiety, but i ve heard good things about it helpin with problems such as artheritis and whole load of other medical problems. look into hopefully there is a class near by for you

[dexter]

I know about Tai Chi but oddly never thought of trying it myself.

Thank you for the idea! I will look into it.

[dexter]

Looks like today is a no-show with the van.

Going to turn back on my space-heat and watch some TV while trying to warm up.

This is three days in a row I've missed partial... sick Tuesday, legal services/shopping yesterday, and no pickup today.

I don't feel all that bad though... going to try not to sleep if I can.

[dexter]

Well OK I managed to get new sheets on my bed. I hate arthritis. Just holding the matress so I could tuck the corners in was so painful. Moving the bed away from the wall. Moving it back.

But at least I have clean sheets...

BUT...

I ran out of fabric softener for the laundry, and the detergent I use is perfume free because I have eczema, and I realized while making the bed that the sheets smell bad even coming straight from the wash. Yuk. I know they are clean though so I'll be OK.

But what if someone shows up tonight to stay with me while I'm depressed? It will be embarrassing to have stinky sheets. And just my luck, after 43 years of being alone, tonight will be the night that someone shows up out of the blue.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

If someone comes over spray something on the sheets fast before you let them in ..in case....A thought, maybe move the bed away from the wall all the time so you save yourself a few painful steps? Your sheets should not stink no fabric softener or not...maybe something in the washer or dryer did it...

Do you ever go for a free swim indoors like at the Y that MAY help with the RA some and less impact on the body in water it may help loosen you up....

This sucks doesn't it?

I am glad you have the food in finally. I too do not drink tap water but mostly because I have well water and am not sure mine is safe anymore.

I do not think I could be as mellow as you are on the van

HUGS

[dexter]

I need to sleep with my body against the wall... nothing emotional there, just the way I've been sleeping since I was a kid. Trying to sleep in a bed "open" on both sides I just can't sleep. It is also a small bed.

In the future though I was thinking of maybe getting a larger bed and see if in that case I could sleep OK. I sleep with a lot of pillows anyway, and I could make a "wall" of pillows to sleep against and I think I would be OK. My current bed is too small for that, the pillows would just fall overboard.

I think the smell is from using unscented detergent. I can't even use "Bounce" sheets or the like in the dryer because I get a bad rash. I usually use an unscented fabric softener, and everything seems to come out OK... but I am currently out of it.

I may spray my sheets with a little Fabreeze but I don't want to use up what I have... want to spend my money on food.

I also don't swim... not since a little kid have I been spotted in a swim trunks . That is a hangup of mine. I've been trying to do my physical therapy excersizes again, because they do help.

Thanks for all the thoughts and suggestions, sleeps.

[__zh]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
dexter said:
But what if someone shows up tonight to stay with me while I'm depressed? It will be embarrassing to have stinky sheets. And just my luck, after 43 years of being alone, tonight will be the night that someone shows up out of the blue.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> Dexter,

Your humour is intact. And you have clean sheets!! (we know the aaahhh clean sheets feeling after a couple weeks of scuzziness)

Agree with SWBF about the van.........we couldn't remain that calm about such sporadic "service" (hesitate to use that word as it doesn't appear they run a service at all!)

your attitude towards all you are handling is really positive. even with how you express feeling the way you write about it shows you're in a better place with this this time than before.

each time/each episode we learn.

you've got a PhD by now Dex.

keep taking care and we'll light a candle in hopes of the van arriving on time daily...........stranger things have happened......

respectfully,
__zh

[SS8282]

((((((((((Dexter)))))))))) do you take anything for inflammation? That might help, on top of painkillers.

If the van doesn't show up the next time, call them.

Sorry, I don't feel very helpful right now.

[dexter]

It has come to my attention that some people may be worried by my use of space heaters...

I want everyone to know there is no need to worry... I am very careful with them, I don't keep them on while I am sleeping (I warm up the bedroom beforehand and keep a comfly warm cover on the bed to curl up in... I like it like that anyway) and I don't leave it on when I leave the house. I have one for the bathroom that is specially made for the bathroom, with a GFI for safety, and I am very careful with that one too, keep it well away from any water, only using it to heat the bathroom so I can take a shower.

I take great precautions in these things... I am very aware of people who die from Carb Monox and it turns out they had detectors in the house but took out the batteries because they were going off too much. I had my C.M. detector beep one time, and it was turned out to be just the warning beep because the battery was dying... but while I was putting the new battery in I opened all the windows and turned on the fan and made sure I was breathing fresh air... because I didn't want to be found unconscious fumbling with the battery of the detector... just in case.

[dexter]

I am a little alarmed at how difficult it still is to make phone calls. I should have called the van comp today... yesterday even... but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. I have such anxiety and phobia about it.

I am taking an anti-inflammitory painkiller, I was actually worried that I was taking too much, but when I saw the doctor he actually prescribed that I take more than I was taking and that I take it regularly--not just when I feel I need it--because of its anti-inflammitory properties.

Sometimes it just don't help though... this morning I felt OK but instead of accomplishing something around the house I went back to bed. And then in the afternoon/evening I was just too overall achy to do anything. It is pretty bad now as well. And it has been affecting my appetite, I've got all food in the house now but nothing is appealing. This morning, when I had lower pain, I was hungry for another grilled cheese and made myself one... this evening just nothing seems appealing. I'm going down to find something now just so I eat something else today.

And PS your post is helpful SS... you had good advice plus the hug felt good I have been really dying tonight to have someone come over and give me a hug... there is no one I can call for that at any time.

{{{{{{SS}}}}}}

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I had to bust out loling at your sleeping against the wall...I am wondering if we could be related cause I sleep best when I do that too...I even sleep best AWAY cause I can sleep against a wall when I go to this one place. I now had a King sized bed and would give the world for my small bed elsewhere with the wall I slept against for many years. I cannot move my bed...its big but I do sleep OK but maybe I would not need Ambein if I could zzzzz's against the damn wall again

I have to use Free and Clear,...its by ALL or cheer....I cannot recall but its ftee of dyes and perfumes cause of my billion allergies and I use the clear and free fabric softeners..I was kidding on spraying the sheets It COULD cause you to flare up with the ecema so DON'T

HUGS

[wi_fighter]

Dexter, two things.

One. What's more anxiety provoking? Waiting every day for the van to show up and they don't OR summoning up the courage to make that short phone call so the van actually starts showing up? I have to think like that a lot because I have a hard time with confrontation.

Two, I'm thinking that laying in bed when the RA is bothering you would only make it worse. Isn't it better to keep everything moving and lubricated? But that's a double-edged sword when you're depressed, eh? You need to exercise to improve your pain and depression, but your pain and depression makes exercise the last thing you want to do.

Everything I can think of that might help the pain costs money, and I know that's not something that's overflowing for you. Water therapy, paraffin, acupuncture, steam room or sauna. Feeling better sure can be expensive.

[dexter]

Yes, "All free and clear" is what I use too. And I usually use Downy fabric softener that doesn't have dyes or perfumes... but that seems to still make everything smell nice even without the added perfumes.

I can spray the sheets with Fabreeze... that doesn't seem to bother me... but I'm rationing that for stuff I wear when I'm going to be around people. I may spare a little for my pillows and the top half of my sheets though...

[dexter]

My anxiety does ramp up when I try to call... yesterday I had the phone in my hand but I was paralyzed from making the call.

They came out to see me this morning to make sure I was alright. They told me that Monday if the van doesn't show I should call them, which I think I can do... it is (for some reason... not logical) the embarrassment of calling the van company and then having to face them when they come that is part of the problem.

You are right about the arthritis and movement. I know this and yet it is still hard to fight the urge. I am going to try to stay active today.