[desertrose1993]

Hi,

Please I need to know that I am not the only one who has felt this way and behaved this way. I feel all alone and considering, I kicked my hus band out about 2 weeks ago(for a justified reason), now I feel alone and very financially scared. I have my son and my mother, but my mother is going through her own physical problems right now, as she was diagnosed with heart disease at the end of August.

1. I have been neglecting myself, alot of the time even a shower is an effort.

2) I stay in my bed most of the time. I have for a while.

3. I isolate myself, i think more so now since we had to move out of state last November, due to my soon to be ex husbands job loss.

4. I have been losing my appetite for a long time now(Irritable Bowel Syndrome), but for the past week in a half, when I eat, I have pain and run to the bathroom having diarrhea. So i basically have barely eaten.

5. The hopelessness and guilt has gotten so bad, i am having suicidal thoughts, but could never do it due to my christian beliefs.

6. I am having nightmares that relate to life events and i can't stay asleep 85% of the time more then 3 hours.

Please, am i the only one that has gone through any of this? I am on an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety drug already. Any hope in me feels gone and i feel like a total failure. HELP! I'ts really bad. BTW, I signed myself up for state health insurance, in OK, if you have a child under 18 you can.

Thank you.

[Maria38Divine]

Hi Desertrose, I can identify with some of what you are going through. At various stages of my depression I have experienced and am still experiencing some of the things you struggle with now. If I could, I wouldn't get out of bed, but I have to work because I live alone and have to support myself. I usually feel a little better too when I get out of bed and do something.

Like you, my christian beliefs keep me from suicide. I just can't do it. Daily tasks like bathing, brushing my teeth and cooking are difficult. I sleep well (perhaps too much) and I now eat a lot (after many years of not having an appetite). I had a relationship that recently ended in total disappointment. That plunged me back into darkness and back on antidepressants, but I'm doing better than I was when it just ended.

There are aspects of your life that will get better and there are some that you'll struggle with, but all in all I understand your pain and hope for both of us that it'll one day all go away. Lots of hugs

[melita]

What Maria says is true. There are aspects of your life that will get better and there are some that you'll continue to struggle with.

I work as a substitute teacher and do music gigs at night. This is the only way I've been able to piece together keeping a roof over my head. It allows me to take off when I'm having a 'dark' time. I somehow always have been able to make it through a 2 hour or 4 hour music gig and then I go home and collapse! It's interesting that a depressed person makes their money smiling and making other people party and have a good time. I've been successful one-day-at-a time not drinking now for since July 1, 1998. Last time I drank I mixed it with my meds and almost lost my mind...it was a struggle for more than 3 months to stop the tornado in my brain. It was so scary I was scared straight. I don't try 'ending it' or drugs or alcohol because (after that incident) I know I'd probably screw it up and have to live in the hell of consequences, being locked in some psych place or physically disabled in some way. So I get depressed over not being able to take something to get quick relief.

I have gotten fat due to meds and episodes of sleeping, sleeping, sleeping and unlike lucky Desertrose and some other 'lucky' folks that stop eating or don't feel like eating, I have always eaten, eaten, eaten to find relief. It has been hard to start exercising, but necessary. I have experience being 'better' due to exercising. But, I'm too tired to....never been disciplined enough....well over the last month or so, I've been walking around the park, down the street, around the blocks, doing 30 jumping jacks in spurts, riding the exercise bike for 10-15 minutes. Just a little at a time, in spurts. Something is better than nothing. I got some GNC Mega Green vitamins and I have a lot more energy now. I've been able to get back in bed in the morning for only 20 minutes instead of an hour.

It's real confusing that I can't stand being around people (living with them, relationships, etc.) and prefer being alone, yet I get lonely.

I'm afraid of being homeless again. I talked back and say "I'm Okay for today". Physically handicapped people can get disability (I get angry sometimes about that). The American with Disabilities Act of 1990 was supposed to include mental disabilities but it doesn't. I'm rambling..

I am still here (amazing). I am 53 and have been living with depressive bouts since I was around 13. Yesterday was a great day. I write these days and feelings down and do gratitude lists and reread my writings from previous months etc. This gives me the reassurance that I will get through 'dark periods', 'dark days', 'dark moments'.

I read alot! I get self-help videos, DVDs, CDS, relaxation and meditation music. I watch comedies and romantic dramas to get out of my world and my head (this helps when stuck in bed, waiting for it to pass, it passes quicker this way). It's a lot of work and......I don't have anyone to talk to...that's why this is so long. I will try to get better at being brief. This website is a relief!!!!! I'm new, too! It's a miracle that I found it, I was surfing suicide (very dark couple of days)....I don't want to die, I just want to stop the pain, darkness, stuckness, financial insecurity, etc. But, I'm still here! Today, I'm grateful that I have a place to let it out....at 4:00 in the morning. Have a better day!

Hello, desertrose1993. I hope you find the help you need. You are in my thoughts.

[Can't Stop Crying]

I have been there too! It is a miserable place. My T says to try to focus on healthy diet, exercise, spending time in nature, fresh air, and doing something you enjoy.

Sometimes I want to smack him when he says those things and tell him - I can't! But I have found he is right. Start with small steps, getting out of bed and showering and each day try to add a little bit more.

It sounds impossible and overwhelming, but the depression will continue to pull you under until you actively try to counter it.

Be patient with yourself and hang in there

Hope this helps

[bekthar]

Hey there. I can empathize with a lot of what you're going through. I'm bipolar but going through a Major Depressive Episode, and it's hard for me to get out of bed and take care of myself.

Something my T recommended was to set up small things to look forward to each week and engaging with people, one or two at a time. Last night, for example, I went out. It took a lot of effort to shower and get ready, but it was worth it - I had a happy night. Even watching a funny movie or an activity with your son count.

You mentioned you're on medication... do you think your medication could be affecting your mood? I would talk to your doctors & T about how you're feeling, because an adjustment of your medication could help a lot.

Hang in there. <3

[desertrose1993]

Thank you everyone for your kind and uplifting words and knowing i'm not alone with this. I live in the past alot and have just wanted to be the me I used to be, which makes the depression and hopelessness even worse. Hard to believe that 3 years ago, i was that person and now i'm not. Just someone lost and ashamed. I have only been married for 1year and 6 months and it really should have never even been, but again I made a bad decision and have to live with that fact. Really the only positive thing I can say is that I have been a good mother and have raised a wonderful 17 year old son, who is a Christian, has morals and cares about people.

I have never been hospitalized before in my life and out in this small town, I don't know where to start. I'm used to living in the Dallas, TX area. If I don't notice any changes soon, it will be my only alternative. That alone scares me. I don't have a doc where I am yet, but my doc in dallas calls my 2 scripts in over the phone(he's been my Doctor since I was 15). He wants me to start taking Zoloft and get off the Lexapro. I have stared at the bottle for a week afraid to take it. 10mg of Lexapro to 50 then 100mg of Zoloft. Oh well, sorry I am rambling, but thanks for listening.