[carrie-19]

*May be triggering not sure
Going to be going on a bit of a rant,this weeks been a bit unexpectidly hard :/
found out that the max number of times i can see my T is 8,and ive already seen her 7 times so next week will probably be the last appt. also my T and psych are both on campus so once this semester is over i'll have to find completely new people.idk why i hadnt thought of this at all,came as a big shock to me when i was told that. worried that in the next few weeks i wont have any of this support.
a mixture of that and a lot of my plans fell through led my mood to go even lower .i was already feeling really bad. i ended up SI-ing a LOT..and *takes deep breath in* this is really hard for me to say,but i ended up taking some tablets.nothing really happened,just kept falling asleep,felt spacey and stuff.about 10 hours later i was very sick (this was yesterday).im not sure why I took them,I just felt like s**t and yea..idk. i feel ok now,a little worried though because ive read that some effects dont happen until 3 days later..
panadol night contains 500mg paracetamol and, 25mg of diphenhydramine hydrochloride (idk if it makes a difference saying that but i dont know what to say..)
i do have family but really do not feel comfortable talking to them about these thoughts because i feel guilty that i upset them.sorry if im ranting but just feel very alone

[mudgey]

We are here for you carrie-19! You can always vent. I was given a suggestion from a T for "venting" each day. She told me to jog in place really hard. Get your heart rate up for a full 5 minutes. During that period of time, scream out loud or to yourself, but dig deep down for the pain and work it out of your system. Once the 5 minutes is over, do stomach breathing. Take as much air in as you can and then blow out all the air inside you. I like this part better and I like to think all my anxiety and stress is going out of my body.

That might work, might not, but worth a try. Be careful. Don't accidentally hurt yourself too bad or go further. Just come here if you need to. Hope you feel better!

You are in my thoughts, carrie-19.

[turquoisesea]

Hey there. I recently was in somewhat of a similar situation to you. I was also at school and my T + psych were through the school. When I went on medical leave FOR DEPRESSION, my care was terminated.

So I really do understand your frustration and fears. Have you talked to the therapist about possible options? Do you have insurance? If so please consider getting a therapist outside of the school. (I realize insurance is often through parents - I was also worried about this... if you are worried I think it's better to get the help you need in this case. Make up stories if you have to or be vague but it's so important!)

My school had the same number of appointments required - I think it's common and I think it's pretty upsetting/bad policy.

As far as your parents please don't feel guilty for burdening them, they are your parents after all. I don't want to say much about it because I don't know your parents but try to rethink this, as they can be a huge asset in this, so just think it over again and decide if it's worth the trouble of hiding it from them or not

take care!

also, about the stuff you took - please consider seeing a doctor if you're worried about it. I know it would be EXTREMELY embarrassing but this is your health we're talking about You could go to general doc or even to your psych.

[carrie-19]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

Hey there. I recently was in somewhat of a similar situation to you. I was also at school and my T + psych were through the school. When I went on medical leave FOR DEPRESSION, my care was terminated.

So I really do understand your frustration and fears. Have you talked to the therapist about possible options? Do you have insurance? If so please consider getting a therapist outside of the school. (I realize insurance is often through parents - I was also worried about this... if you are worried I think it's better to get the help you need in this case. Make up stories if you have to or be vague but it's so important!)

My school had the same number of appointments required - I think it's common and I think it's pretty upsetting/bad policy.

As far as your parents please don't feel guilty for burdening them, they are your parents after all. I don't want to say much about it because I don't know your parents but try to rethink this, as they can be a huge asset in this, so just think it over again and decide if it's worth the trouble of hiding it from them or not

take care!

also, about the stuff you took - please consider seeing a doctor if you're worried about it. I know it would be EXTREMELY embarrassing but this is your health we're talking about You could go to general doc or even to your psych.

yea i do have insurance and ive talked to my T and she said i'll probably have to go looking for a private counselling.its just frustrating because i felt like i was just settling in seeing her and we both got on well. and to go out and have to look for another person and to go through the whole getting know the basics first when ive just gotten through that..frustrating.and also that i will lose my psychaitrist as well..
strange how they have a restiction on how many times you can see them isnt it? i wish i would have known,then maybe i could have spread out the time longer or something..
im not sure if im worried,because i feel fine now. and i know if i go to the dr theyre just going to say well dont do that thats bad for you etc etc..
thanks for taking the time to reply

[turquoisesea]

Originally Posted by carrie-19

yea i do have insurance and ive talked to my T and she said i'll probably have to go looking for a private counselling.its just frustrating because i felt like i was just settling in seeing her and we both got on well. and to go out and have to look for another person and to go through the whole getting know the basics first when ive just gotten through that..frustrating.and also that i will lose my psychaitrist as well..
strange how they have a restiction on how many times you can see them isnt it? i wish i would have known,then maybe i could have spread out the time longer or something..
im not sure if im worried,because i feel fine now. and i know if i go to the dr theyre just going to say well dont do that thats bad for you etc etc..
thanks for taking the time to reply

I felt the SAME way - just starting to settle in when it was all taken away. For me it took some time to find another - I found a T who I went to for a few months - she was ok but we didn't click (neither, actually did the school T). Then I went looking again and found an AMAZING T I am with now . So in the end it turned out really well for me because I now have a T who really works well with me and isn't limited to number of sessions.

I know it's a huge hump to get over but do your best, it's GREAT that you have insurance so you can start on this anyways. And maybe your current T can help you search? Sometimes they will help you with that sort of thing.

A dr will say those things, just make sure to take care of yourself, if you feel worse don't be afraid to go Glad you're feeling ok for now though =)

Anyways, feel your frustration 100%, and hope some good can come of all this

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there! Could you call a nurse's line about what you took and say it was a "friend" so you have more information? I did that once about something I was too embarrassed to see a doctor about and it put my mind at ease. Therapy is hard...sorry you were just getting comfortable and now have to find a new T...it just might end up working out better in the long run, you never know. You are in my thoughts!

[carrie-19]

turquoisesea - yes my T said she'd help me find someone,and she said she knew a person and give me their contact details. but i just feel so tired of doing all this.i always find the first couple of sessions really difficult because theyre trying to get to know you.and now i have to start it all over again,i dont feel like ive achieved anything .
im quite sure now that after taking those tablets the other day im in the all clear,in a sense. i just cant get those kind of thoughts out of my head,SI and and the likes..
i mean at the moment im on meds,seeing a T and a psych,and i still feel like this,if not worse.and they say it ISNT my fault?of course it is.no one else makes me feel this way.i recieve all this help and support and i still cant even manage to be happy..
useless

[turquoisesea]

and they say it ISNT my fault?of course it is.no one else makes me feel this way.i recieve all this help and support and i still cant even manage to be happy..
useless

That's one way of looking at it. Another is that the help just isn't working yet, or you're on your way on a journey to get better.

Someone once told me getting depressed to this level (si/having these types of horrible thoughts especially) is like getting into a bad car accident. Your body had trauma essentially! If you were in a car accident, and broke a bunch of bones and stuff like that, you wouldn't be expected to get up and walk the next day. I think it's the same with depression and everything that comes with it. The recovery process can take a long time - what seems like AGES. But that doesn't mean you're not on your way, or that you're a failure, or useless.

For what it's worth, if we compare our feelings in comparison to timing:

For me, when I was sent to get another T I was also feeling horrible having horrible thoughts, etc. It took a long time for this to stop, and during that time I felt very much the way you are now - useless, a waste of space, like other people were doing all these things for me and all I did was get or feel worse/not better. I'm not saying I'm 100% now, I still have trouble here and there, but once again I'm doing well in school, people are proud of me, and best of all.... I'm HAPPY on a regular basis (not always, but often enough - I'm still recovering of course xD).

Have faith that you can get there too (((((Carrie-19)))))

[Seshat]

Sending good vibes for you, carrie-19.

[carrie-19]

had a complete breakdown in my friends house last night.couldnt stop crying for hours,they had to call my brother to get him to come over and try and calm me down.sat in the corner on the ground for hours just crying and saying how much i hated myself . feel so exhuasted. i dont know how im going to survive this next week

[turquoisesea]

((((((Carrie-19)))))))

I know how it feels to cry that much, but sometimes the release can be good. What's going on this next week? I know this is a hard time for you, but remember it can and will get better. Did your brother help any? I know sometimes family can be good... other times not.

thinking of you, hang in there

[carrie-19]

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

((((((Carrie-19)))))))

I know how it feels to cry that much, but sometimes the release can be good. What's going on this next week? I know this is a hard time for you, but remember it can and will get better. Did your brother help any? I know sometimes family can be good... other times not.

thinking of you, hang in there

it did help a little,but i was overreacting and slightly histerical.i feel kind of embarased,he was supportive about it though.nothings happening just week,im just not sure how long i can hang on.

[turquoisesea]

glad he's supportive at least. Keep checking in =D I know a week can feel like forever, but you'll get through it! Keep checking in