[carrie-19]

*may be triggering*
theres something I've come to realise that I do as of late.
I've been telling everyone I feel better,when I really dont think I've ever felt this bad. I cant bare to explain to them its all a lie. I know if I tell my T that I was lying to her,she will be so confused and ask , me why ..and I really dont know. I just want everyone else to be happy.I'm sorry these past few weeks and been very tough on me,i hardly go to college and im way behind in everything.feeling very suicidal now.it just seems like only thing keeping me going.im sorry..i just really needed to vent that

[Can't Stop Crying]

Keep letting it out. Why do you think you need to show everyone you're better when you're really not? I know for me it's been because I feel like I'm letting down everyone who is trying to help me and sometimes it's just plain wishful thinking. Kinda like, if I say I'm better often enough, it will be true...BTW read the quote on your sig. - I think it applies.

Hello, Carrie. I do not think your therapist will be disappointed if you open up and allow her to help you. You are a caring person. Sometimes, caring persons must make themselves their number one caring priority. I truly hope you put aside what seems to be your sense of unworthiness to allow yourself to receive the help you need to get better.

Please tell your therapist.

[Isolated]

Originally Posted by carrie-19

I've been telling everyone I feel better,when I really dont think I've ever felt this bad. I cant bare to explain to them its all a lie. I know if I tell my T that I was lying to her,she will be so confused and ask , me why ..and I really dont know. I just want everyone else to be happy.I'm sorry these past few weeks and been very tough on me,i hardly go to college and im way behind in everything.feeling very suicidal now.it just seems like only thing keeping me going.im sorry..i just really needed to vent that

It's ok, I feel the same way. I can't if it's out of embarrassment or, as Can't Stop Crying mentions, out of a feeling that if I say it enough it'll be true. On that note, I suppose that maybe instead of convincing others that you/we are ok, you/we should be telling ourselves that we are ok.

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Kinda like, if I say I'm better often enough, it will be true.

Can't say for sure if this alone will fix everything, but I can't deny that it's a state of mind that one should be in. Having the hope of being better is certainly better than having none at all. Be honest with the people willing and trying to help you. You aren't letting them down by feeling how you feel, and if they are really there to help you they want to know when you really need help.

Hope you both can find something today to feel better about.

[carrie-19]

Originally Posted by Can't Stop Crying

Keep letting it out. Why do you think you need to show everyone you're better when you're really not? I know for me it's been because I feel like I'm letting down everyone who is trying to help me and sometimes it's just plain wishful thinking. Kinda like, if I say I'm better often enough, it will be true...BTW read the quote on your sig. - I think it applies.

Because when I actually let others know how they feel,theyre just all concerned and upset and i know i make them feel that way. but when i tell them im feeling better, theyre happy and proud that ive "gotten through this". i just feel like im the cause of everyones problems

[carrie-19]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Hello, Carrie. I do not think your therapist will be disappointed if you open up and allow her to help you. You are a caring person. Sometimes, caring persons must make themselves their number one caring priority. I truly hope you put aside what seems to be your sense of unworthiness to allow yourself to receive the help you need to get better.

Please tell your therapist.

But i'd feel like im letting her down,how do i even begin to explain to her that i was lying.i feel so guilty and dishonest. if i tell her and my family/friends,theyre just going to be unhappy and upset..im so tired of being the cause of everyones problems

The point is, Carrie, you are NOT letting your therapist down, or causing problems for others. Your therapist is trained to deal with situations like yours. I bet the others you are concerned about would want you to get the help you need.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ut-in-therapy/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ut-in-therapy/

Carrie, please print your posts in this thread for your therapist. You are going through a very difficult time. Importantly, you are worthy of a better life. Please let others help you get there.

[Cyran0]

(((carrie-19)))

[carrie-19]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

The point is, Carrie, you are NOT letting your therapist down, or causing problems for others. Your therapist is trained to deal with situations like yours. I bet the others you are concerned about would want you to get the help you need.

http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ut-in-therapy/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...ut-in-therapy/

Carrie, please print your posts in this thread for your therapist. You are going through a very difficult time. Importantly, you are worthy of a better life. Please let others help you get there.

thanks for the links Byzantine i guess it makes me feel a little better.but i just cant imagine telling people this whole things is just a facade..in one way i want to,because i feel like day to day living is just too much.im way behind in college work,im so stressed about everything.i just feel overwhelming guilt the whole time.i feel like i need a vacation but any time i have days off its not enough..idk

[Wants2Fly]

I behave like you do. It's not helpful, but I just don't want to "bother" people about it. ((((Carrie))))

[Seshat]

Hi, Carrie. I'm in a similar place atm. Like you said, having to keep the "feeling better" facade is exhausting and not helpful. Please talk to your T about this. Sending good vibes your way.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Hang in there - sometimes we need other people to help us carry the burden. As long as you keep it wrapped up inside you, it will just get bigger. Family and friends want to help, but they need to know what you need. You shouldn't have to feel alone with this. Try to be honest with your T and see what happens...it might just turn out okay.

Keep us posted?

[carrie-19]

i'm going to try talk to her tomorrow about it.but she's been so open and honest about everything,and i feel like ive hidden things from her. i just feel overwhelming guilt all the time.im afraid to say to her that im feeling worse,because i dont what else people can do to help me. im making everything worse for myself and everyone else is trying so hard.i dont know what else can be done ..i feel as if im at a dead end,like im a clutching a straws.

this song has been on repeat and i'm not sure why,but its comforting to listen to

Carrie, please consider copying your posts from this thread to give to your therapist.

[turquoisesea]

((((Carrie)))) good luck and keep posting here if it helps =)

[becky70]

Originally Posted by Cyran0

(((carrie-19)))

your blog is fascinating! i hope it helps you deal with life. stay safe Cyran0

[Cyran0]

Wow Becky70, thank you. You too.

How are you doing, Carrie?

[Can't Stop Crying]

Originally Posted by TheByzantine

Carrie, please consider copying your posts from this thread to give to your therapist.

Carrie - The Byz told me to do this also and I took the advice and it was very useful!

[Melinae]

Carrie I feel the same way.

[carrie-19]

firstly i have to say thanks everyone for support and letting me know im not alone in doing this
I went to see my T today,told her that i felt really bad because i had really been lying to her about how i was feeling and that i was feeling worse rather then better.we talked through it and although we didnt sort it out i guess it did feel a little better telling her the truth.
ive got an appt with my psych tomorrow so im going to talk to him as well..
thanks again everyone

(((((( Carrie ))))))

Good for you. Maybe you have turned the corner? I hope so.

[HalfSwede]

Carrie
I'm glad you told your T how you really felt, and that it seemed to help. I hope you're doing well today.

I've also had the feeling that I wasn't getting better fast enough and that people were getting frustrated with me because of it. I guess I don't always know what to do about that. It just seems like I've gotten looks from people who really helped me at one point, but seemed unable to give any more. I even get impatient with myself for not feeling better on a certain timetable.

I'm really glad that you shared what you were going through, because I felt like I was the only one who worried that other people were losing patience with me. I hope you always feel like you can post your true feelings here. I promise I won't get tired of hearing it.

[carrie-19]

my T called me yesterday to see how i was getting on and feeling.the small things really do make the difference sometimes.
today i woke up after the first good nights sleep in a long time.im way behind with college work .i have an essay which was due 2 days ago (im probably going to fail that module) and yet,ya know what?i dont mind idk why,but i feel good today,happy. im changing colleges,so im not worried about the work atm.hopefully going to do marine biology,which is like one of my dream thigns to do,which i never thought i could,going to take the plunge though.
currently sitting in the sun with my dog,just enjoying the rare bit of spring heat in dublin think Byz was right,for now anyway,ive turned a corner..

[lunalovegood545]

I used to do the same thing but then I picked one person who I really trust that I tell when things get messed up, and I tell her in a letter instead of in person because it's easier.