[HalfSwede]

Had my first completely sleepless night since last semester. Ran through a lot of old resentments towards family members and people who bullied me at various stages of my life.

Somehow all that anger gave me a feeling of power, which I thought would carry through to today, but that did not happen. I ended up staying in bed nearly 12 hours, and my mood has really crashed. I am trying to write part of a big paper, and can barely eke out a few words every half-hour or so.

Mostly I am surfing the Web and whimpering softly to myself, wondering if I will ever feel better, or if I just need to suck it up and stop my inward focus. I feel bad that all the help I've gotten from so many good people here seems to have been for nothing.

No brilliant insights to report. Just hoping to pull through today, at least accomplish some fraction of what I had planned to get done.

[sundog]

(((((((HalfSwede))))))) Sleepless nights are the pits. I'm sorry you had one last night.

I can really relate to lying awake in bed and replaying triggering situations in my mind. I hate when I do that. Sleep then becomes pretty much impossible, especially if I'm angry. I do know what you mean also about anger giving you a sense of power. That's one of the seductive things about anger.......But then, as you say, you tend to crash afterwards.

I guess I just wanted to say I can really relate to what you write here. But I don't think any of this means that the insights you've gained at PC have been for nothing. It's just that, unfortunately, crappy days still happen, especially after a night of messed up sleep.

I hope tonight is better and that you have more energy to devote to your paper tomorrow. In the meantime, spending today quietly surfing and taking it easy sounds like a good plan ((((((((((HalfSwede))))))))))))

[Rohag]

Hello, HalfSwede!

Originally Posted by HalfSwede

...can barely eke out a few words every half-hour or so.

That, too, is progress.

The sleepless night was characterized by ruminations of resentment, but did they cause the sleeplessness?

Originally Posted by Sundog

I hope tonight is better and that you have more energy to devote to your paper tomorrow. In the meantime, spending today quietly surfing and taking it easy sounds like a good plan

I agree.

[HalfSwede]

Originally Posted by sundog

(((((((HalfSwede)))))))

I hope tonight is better and that you have more energy to devote to your paper tomorrow. In the meantime, spending today quietly surfing and taking it easy sounds like a good plan ((((((((((HalfSwede))))))))))))

Thank you so much, sundog! Here is a hug back!
((((((sundog))))))

[HalfSwede]

Originally Posted by Rohag

The sleepless night was characterized by ruminations of resentment, but did they cause the sleeplessness?

Hi Rohag
I don't think the ruminations caused my sleeplessness, but they probably exacerbated it. These are also ruminations I haven't had in a long time, so I wonder what caused their return.

What caused my wakefulness was almost certainly the fact that I've been sleeping or laying in bed 10 hours or more for the past few days, so now I'm all slept out. I'm trying to shut the world out, and the more I try to do it, the less it works.

I had my sleep down to about eight hours a day, but as the pressure ratchets up at school, my anxiety goes up, and my need to try to escape it goes up as well. I feel like people want me to fail, that I'm destined to fail, because I'm a bad person, which sounds like paranoia and/or low self-esteem.

What makes it worse is that I then look at other students who have heavier course loads than me and seem to manage okay. Most other students also work, and have families, and I don't, so that adds to my guilt and feelings of inadequacy. If they don't work, they're barely making ends meet and wondering if they'll have to drop out because of money issues.

I know it's wrong to compare myself to others, but I don't know how not to.

[SophiaG]

aw man, I sympathize with you, because I too have to take a lower course-load due to my mental health issues.

Don't feel bad, as long as you get that little piece of paper, who ****ing cares how you got it?

[HalfSwede]

Thanks, SophiaG. And thanks for that William Styron quote also. I was trying to remember it the other day as I was really in a trough from which there seemed no escape.