I was sitting today and watching a movie. Now all day I'd been fooling myself that I felt fine. I know I was fooling myself because every time I'd feel sadness I'd block it out because I knew the only way I could function from there on was to suppress what I felt and carry on. I'd distracted myself from what I felt inside by thinking of everything I do on my own now as good and fun because there's nobody there to get in my way and distract me. But now I watch that movie. Where there's young people like me but who are beautiful, full of life and have friends to cheer them up and who they can go to when things could be better. They have a future. But then there's me. I'm on my own, I have no friends and nobody to talk to. I look in the mirror and all I see is a loser but just one who's good at hiding just how much of a loser she is. Yes, I have my mum to keep me company and I love her deeply. I have my dad when he's home who I miss and I love so much as well. But sometimes I can't help but feel hurt by that no matter how I try to convince myself of how nice it is to be on my own and how I chose to be on my own and how self sufficient I can be with nobody around. But sometimes I can't deny to myself that I feel so incredibly lonely. And pathetic because even if anybody was around they wouldn't want to be friends with somebody like me. So being alone would no longer be a choice and it isn't a choice now since there's nobody to be friends with. I don't really know what the point of this thread would be. I just wanted to get this off my mind because I could rant to my dog like I do but he's hardly going to give me any words of wisdom in feedback. So could you please tell me how I can keep this loneliness away because it really is painful and it's made me cry so many nights in a row.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Sounds like the depression is filling your head with all these negative self-thoughts and making you want to isolate. Humans are social creatures and as much as we try to deny it, we need people. Have you tried interacting with people? I don't know very much about you, but you could always join a group or club, go for a walk, hang out at a coffee shop, volunteer somewhere. What do you enjoy doing? If you find an activity that you enjoy, chances are you will meet people with similar interests.

[SoupDragon]

Sorry to hear that you are feeling so lonely right now - Loneliness can be painful - when I am feeling like that, I look on here at some of the threads / quizzes and use them to distract myself - then it sort of feels not quite so lonely -

Those things aren't an option for me here. In my school people aren't very nice and I've just gotten rid of a so called friend who couldn't accept me for being gay. The girl I was friends with for two years beforehand I broke away from because all she ever needed from me was homework. She'd never want to be there for my company. She only ever wants something in return. The last time anyone spoke to me in school was her and she only did it because she wanted to use my camera. I can't go out here and there are no clubs. I'm basically stuck and even if I wanted friends I can't have any. Those I broke off with I refuse to be around because no matter how bad I feel about myself I don't want to be used or put down. It's just I have no choice that's all... I don't mean to sound so negative but that really is how my situation works out. I'm really isolated and in the past I haven't had much luck with friends which has dampened my outlook for how things will be when I leave here.

[Can't Stop Crying]

so sorry to hear that...I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better for you. Hang in there, okay?

[SoupDragon]

I am with you on not wanting to be with people that make you feel used or put down.

From your posts you seem really good at expressing how you feel so just keep posting on here and share how you feel with PC members. Sometimes finding a good friend or 2 just takes practice and time.

Thanks everybody.

[Frenchie Gal]

I know it's hard Numpty, but in life we have to keep trying and see what works and what doesn't. You shouldn't have to change to be accepted. As well, there are plenty of things to do if you are lonely, however it can be hard because you live in isolation and it is hard to change. You could try volunteering and putting your passion into a project because you do need to do something that will give you confidence and social interactions. Also, in social interactions it is always hard for others to accept somebody as they are, however please try and try to let people get to know you before they find out that you are gay because then they can find out how you are such a great person and it won't be a first impression.
Good luck,
-Frenchie Gal

[SadNJNY]

Hi Numpty,

From what you've written, it sounds like you've simply made a few bad choices with friends - but that's okay, we've all done that at some point in life. You mentioned one friend in particular who always wanted something from you. I went through the exact same experience with a "friend" whom I was very close with. I was very deeply hurt by his actions and it made me isolate from others for fear of being hurt again (and thus, I probably missed out on some much healthier friendships). But soon after he abandoned our friendship, I found out that he used almost everyone in the same way. I felt incredibly relieved because it wasn't about me after all, it was about him. I don't want or need friends like that in my life - and neither should you!

Please try to seek out people who will love and accept you for who you are. They might be hard to find at first, but they really do exist. You'll see.

Wishing you nothing but peace and love on your journey!

SadNJNY: You're right! I never thought of seeing it that way... I didn't consider how she treated others because nobody other than myself ever confronted her about it and so nobody else appeared to have a problem with her. Though she does use everyone else. And as obvious as it seems I never looked at it like that and I took it as a personal insult from her. And you're right in that I don't trust anyone anymore because I'm afraid the same thing will happen as with my other friends in the past. You kind of opened my eyes there...

Thank you!