[shannanabot]

I am very new to this site. I have been through the gamut of psychologicla evaluations and have ended up somewhere between bipolar/social anxiety/borderline though I think I am more of the latter.

Anywho, I am to the point now where everyday is a persuasive speech to myself of why I shouldn't commit suicide. And guess what, my voice is failing. I know I can't do that to my family but at the same time I can't burden them with my nutso thoughts. I am truly at a crossroads and am frightened of where I may turn.

To give some history...I am currently 28. First suicide attempt was at almost 17 after being prescribed meds for OCD (for being an over-achiever), depression, and social anxiety. Second suicide attempt (or at least one that I bear severe enough to be classified at such) at 21. Last one was 2 years ago. Bad deal. I have been in a coma for almost three days, my liver is damaged. Not to mention my brain.

I have done the therapy, the medications, the self-help books. I have cut out caffiene and ate/exercised well. I am completely cognizant of my actions and feelings. And still this suicidal bs hijacks my brain. I am in a constant state of torture and do not have any idea of what to do at this point. I know it sounds completely pathetic and self-absorbed but I wondered what I have done to deal with such daily torment. For over eleven years now. Things very rarely get better, maybe for 3 days at most before I come back to this level of devastation.

What can I do?

I was physically abused by my father from 4-10 years (Mom was out having affairs and I had to protect my little sis from it all), was sexually abused by my uncle for nearly three years (we all lived tother and he is about two years older than I am) and got date raped at 22. I had two abortions at 17 and 19 (truly my lowest points). No one knows the entire extent of this as I am desperately ashamed of it all. And never want to burden anyone with helping such a waste of space. I am an academically smart girl, should have had the world by a string, and somehow managed to blow it all with these self-sabotaging compulsions.

I feel like I am never going to get it right. That my life is a complete waste of time and that none of it will make an impact on anyone.

Anyone have any advice? Any off-the-ledge talk? What really sucks is that I feel like I am in complete control of my decisions at this point. I know I want to commit suicide. I am just weighing the pros and cons at this point.

[online user]

Sorry you have had such a rough time of things. I botched a suicide attempt at age 30 I think it was. Went on to divorce husband and established a pretty good life for myself. Suicide has been in the back of my mind, though, whenever I get depressed. I think of peace and calm with suicide. This all changed a few months ago. I was watching "Paranormal States" or a similar program. The host mentioned that many of the troubled spirits they run into are actually suicide victims. So, if you do murder yourself (my T's word for it), you may NOT find peace, but be in some kind of alternative space, very unhappy. I don't think it's worth the risk.

You have a lot of life ahead of you and you are smart, so you can grow and mature. Medical science may have ways in the future of helping your liver and brain recover from the damage. They are doing a lot of regenerative therapies with stem cells now.

Take things a day at a time and see if you can't find some more pleasure in life.

[mokie]

I wish I could help you shannanabot. I have been there way to many times since my early teens. Sitting there waiting for the right time the traffice would come by my house. Planning too many other things. I have been lucky that deep down I wanted help and the times I would try was done where someone could stop me.

I think online user has made a good point which came form T. Which I am now glad I have read of the troubled spirits were actually sucide victims. I would reconsider now if I came to this point again in my life. It is hard enough living with it here then to live with it in some kind of alternative space.

By the way maybe just posting here may help you let things out.

[littlebitlost]

I have little of value to say terms of info, but I am quite like you. We are here, and are just a few clicks away. There is usually someone in the chats. More than willing to help or lend an ear.

Hope you are ok.

[thesnowqueen]

Wow, I am absolutely amazed at all you have been through. Somehow, you have got through all of that and yet you think you have nothing to offer the world. Just the many injured people out there who you would be able to understand! Understanding and empathy is something the world desperately needs and only people who have really suffered can offer it. At this point, of course, you need to take care of yourself ONLY.

You have been badly abused by family and yet you are afraid of telling them how you feel in case you worry them? It is about time they worry. You really do deserve support. I think, given what you have been through you have been very brave - and that you should appreciate all that is good about yourself. (Not even 10 years old, a defenceless child and yet you were defending your sister!)

Here's sending you a hug and lots of love to go with it -

p.s. sorry, my experience is very limited so if I have said anything stupid, please just put it down to that.

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