[quality_worms]

I went home for Thanksgiving and not only did I not tell my parents that I think I'm depressed (etc...), my mom actually told me that I seemed to have things pretty well under control. I was feeling less miserable while I was home, but under control? I almost started laughing right there. And last week when I went to see the therapist for the second time, we spent the whole time talking about...I don't even know. I just know that I tried as best I could to act okay. I probably look like I'm trying to make everything into a joke, which I KNOW is counterproductive, but I can't help it.

I feel like, since I can convince people that I'm doing well, I ought to feel okay. But I don't. I don't think I know how to let down my guard anymore. I think there must be something really wrong with me. I don't know what to do.

[quality_worms]

wow. I should join the threadkiller thread, except then it would actually die.

quality worms... I totally know what you mean. I was like that when I first started therapy. What helps to get you in the hang of openning up is to bring up that topic. Bring up the topic that you feel like it is hard to show your real feelings. You might even type out this post because it was great!!! Another thing that I do is to write into a journal a few times a week. I am usually more open when I dont think every word is going to be judged. Then, before session, glance at this weeks journal entries and right out of list of things to talk about. Sometimes its helpful to have somewhere to start. You are not a thread killer. I really appreciate your honest and thoughtful posts.

EV

[Hopefull]

I can relate too. I just had a second session and I like talking to her but don't want her or my insurance to see me as crazy. I feel depressed in a ways and anxious in a ways. Take it slow. As you build a relationship, you will be able to open up more. As for the I can seem so normal, I can appear normal too. My sister who is closest to me didn't believe me because I don't cry around her. I seem to enjoy people and so I am kind of happy then. When I am alone, I find things to worry about and start crying. The therapist is calling it just an adjustment disorder which makes no sense to me. What would the stressor that I would be "adjusting" to? I just think it is connected with the past theory of Dysthmic Disorder and the idea that a teacher called it a mental disorder. Some how that really hurt my feelings some.

[quality_worms]

Thanks, EV and Hopefull. I'm glad I'm not alone. And I'm sorry if I sounded whiny...sometimes that happens.

I guess part of what worries me is that I'm going to my school counseling center and even though they have better services than some of my friends' schools, they still only do short-term counseling. So for one thing, I don't have a lot of time to "take it slow," even though that's usually how I deal with people. I have to be able to trust right now and I'm not sure whether I can do that. And also, if I have issues that are going to last beyond next semester, which I'm really starting to think that I do, I'll have to look into finding an outside therapist. And that freaks me out.

Putting pressure on myself to trust right away, and to solve everything in the next few months, is probably not helping anything, either. It's ironic. boo.

btw, Hopefull, I can understand how it could be hurtful to be told that you have a mental disorder. It's not a fun label to be stuck with.

The Psych Central page about adjustment disorders says, "Adjustment disorders are often diagnosed when it's not clear the person meets the criteria for a more severe disorder, or the actual diagnosis is uncertain. This diagnosis often gives the clinician time to further evaluate the client during additional therapy sessions." maybe that's what's going on?

[(JD)]

some whining is quite allowed! I think what we do.. is try harder when we know we are really low? I know when I am where I am, that I work harder on my makeup so it's less obvious how depressed I am. You must be very good at covering your feelings.... I'm sorry your mother's note of encouragement didn't make it through to you .. in your depression. How ironic, isn't it? When we need support the most, we can't seem to accept it... a cognitive distortion...

I hope your T figures out that you have a less severe problem and can help fix it! But then.. sigh... Having a mental disorder only means that your mental processes are "disordered" right then... sometimes a label is a good thing... gives you a foundation to work from? TC

quality.. I have the same thing happen to me. I am in my school's "short-term counseling." Maybe.. you can start by sharing your difficulty in trusting and also ask your T if they ever make exceptions and do more long-term counseling. I found out that mine does but they don't advertise it. You are in my prayers..

[quality_worms]

Sky, thanks for helping me see that as encouragement as opposed to just...not noticing what's going on. And I agree, a label might not be a bad thing, I was just saying that it's hard to accept.

EV, I hadn't considered that they might make exceptions. I'll keep that in mind. Thank you.