holding my own

do you have a hard time holding your own when you've made a decision that others don't agree with? OMG, i do! i'll either over react and become very defensive of my decision (while second guessing myself immediately inside) or i'll second guess it almost apologetically (is that a word? lol).

because of this, i can appear very wishy-washy. i wish some day, i could make a decision, stand on it, and feel good about it inside as well...all while others may not agree with me.

i know i do this due to my low self esteem. i don't have the confidence in self to be ok with someone else's disapproval of me or my decisions.

if you've done this, have you found things to help you with it? let me know

kd

kimmy, you're definately not alone. It definately has something to do with self esteem... We often feel others will think better of us if we just agree. If only we could realize having our own minds, opinions, and ways of doing things is a very attractive quality to have. Some may not like it, because it tests their own thoughts, but many find people who stand by what they say to be very self confident.

kimmy, I'm exactly the same as you. I wish I could be more firm in my decisions without doubting them too but I'm not.

Here's my modus operandi --

I delay making any decision at all as long as possible. Even if I've made a decision internally, or have a strong feeling in one direction, I often delay making it public or taking any action until it's too late. Esp. if there was any kind of risk involved -- and of course, there usually is. So letting the moment pass without doing anything is a way of not taking risk and preserving the status quo.

The other part of this dynamic is just as negative. I can get mulishly stubborn about a decision, even if it's a ridiculously bad one, such as gathering equipment for suicide. Having "gone public" about an intention, I don't want to back down. There's some kind of perverse pride involved here. I am having more success changing this behavior than delaying decisions and action.

Good topic, Kimmydawn.

KimmyDawn, that's me too. If ever someone disagrees with me, then I am automatically wrong. It's been that way as long as I can remember. This way is much easier than having to deal with conflict. Yeah, it's low self-esteem.

The thing that has always helped me is when I feel i'm right and I have proof I'm right then I don't care what others think, cuz gosh darn it I'm right
Angie

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do you have a hard time holding your own when you've made a decision that others don't agree with? OMG, i do! i'll either over react and become very defensive of my decision (while second guessing myself immediately inside) or i'll second guess it almost apologetically (is that a word? lol).

because of this, i can appear very wishy-washy. i wish some day, i could make a decision, stand on it, and feel good about it inside as well...all while others may not agree with me.

i know i do this due to my low self esteem. i don't have the confidence in self to be ok with someone else's disapproval of me or my decisions.

if you've done this, have you found things to help you with it? let me know

kd

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That describes the first 30 years of my life. It was hammered into my way of thinking throughout my childhood... that I existed for the benefit of others, that I did not matter, that everything I did had to be for others. Consequently, I was confused and then elated and then determined to change this when my T gave me a sheet of personal rights. My first response these past 2 months was to 'overdo' it a little. I have been erring on the side of selfishness. And when it all gets too overwhelming and I think I am going to give in, I break away and do something physical, like yardwork or housework... to get my mind off it. It feels so wrong to disregard other peoples' opinions in favor of my own, but I have been forcing myself through it. The first step for me was learning to set boundaries and say 'no'. Some days are okay, and some days I am terrified that others will reject or hurt me for standing up for myself.

I am so bad... I even have a hard time hanging up the phone on telemarketers because I don't want to be rude or hurt their feelings. So I am practicing being more resolute. I say 'no thank you' and hang up the phone. I say 'no' to sales persons at the stores. I have decided to be 'selfish', or so I say. And at some point, I will find a happy medium. But I am getting better at walking away before anyone can guilt me into changing my decisions.

what a wonderful point, obsids! i told t that i'm giving myself permission to be "selfish". he was aghast! he said, "well, if you consider it selfish, I'm sorry, but glad that you're doing it. at least it's a step in the right direction!" lol when i do stand up for self, i feel so daggone selfish! but, i've been giving myself permission more and more, and learning as a go, that it's ok. the sky's not falling or anything, and it's getting easier and easier

good point and thank you!

(((((((((((((((( bama )))))))))))))))))

so very well said. thank you.

we'll get there, AG...we will!

kd

thank you (((((((((((((((( wants2 ))))))))))))))))))) yes, there's definitely something in "going public" with a decision. t has found that pride in me as well and has used it to his benefit a few times. for example, if i commit to something aloud, he'll confirm it as a commitment because he knows that i very rarely back away from that. then he asks me to commit to others as well. good point! and good practice!

be safe,

(((((((((((((((((( rapunzel ))))))))))))))))))) i avoid conflict as much as i possibly can. i'm like you there. there are few things that i'm firm on and no one can change my stance. these are thoughts i have about protecting children. this is about the only thing where i don't have a grey area i can't think of any others right off the top of my head.

thanks!

angie, that's great! yes, by the time i've gone to the steps of "proving", i'm pretty firm at that point.

thanks!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kimmy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} Just wanted to tell you how wonderful I think you are; not just for caring for your "little man" but just in general. You seem to always be up or making a good effort, you are so supportive of everyone and the few times we've been in chat together, I've really enjoyed chatting with you.

I really like you!

(((((((((((((((((((( september )))))))))))))))))))))

funny that i feel the same about you you are always up it seems, have a great sense of humor and love your children fiercely.

me too you

kd

Kimmy, you always have so many loving and supportive and upbeat friends to say to everyone.

You are a wonderfully strong, caring, kind and persistent person. Even when you feel down, you never give up. You are a shining example for many of us who so often think, "It's time to give up." Because you don't. And even when you are feeling down, you hold our virtual hands and assure that it will get better.

I am glad that you are here, Kimmydawn.

Peace and blessings.

((((((((((((((((((((( wants2 )))))))))))))))))))))) how on earth did you know how much i needed that today? from all of you, but especially today

God only knows...i've seen bad. i've seen, felt and known worse than bad. i have to believe that i'm here for a reason. i was once told by a very wise person that the reason i lived thru so much was so that i could relate that with others when they think they can't go on. that's what i try to do. i'm living proof that it DOES get better...somehow, some way. also, each day that i give into the bs of yesterday, is another day that i give THEM...the abusers. no, that's not happening...not ever. i can imagine the satisfaction on their faces in seeing any misery i might display, so i don't. does that make sense? after a bit, the fake smile and words become reality it's such a nice feeling

thank you again.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Kimmy}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

This hits me right on the head! I can deal with people I work with or my best friends, tell them what I think, and they tell me what they think. That is o.k. But when it involves my parents in any way, I'm in trouble mentally. Oh, gee, I start thinking that I hurt Mom's feelings by sticking up for myself. My daughter and I can talk about everything and anything and we are o.k. My son goes to my parents many times, and they are the mental abusers, so that hurts me, and it also ticks me off. He knows what they do, but they use money as a drawing card. Anyone dealing with that crap?

I used to have to deal with that kind of crap, CJ. I've set my boundaries. Some honor those boundaries, but if the people that were crossing them won't listen or won't stop, I simply separate myself from them.

Unfortunately, my mom is the one that had no clue about boundaries and by the time I learned about them, it was too late. So... I don't have any experience in setting boundaries with parents. How old is your son? If he's under age, you still have control over who he sees if you think it's really harmful to him to continue playing his grandparent's game.

Good luck!