been doing ok ....what happened

I have been spiraling into another depression. I dont really know what happened this time . I have been doing so well. I havent stopped my meds ..i just dont know. Wednesday i went in to see my therapist and yes i opened up to her a little more than i had (she is new to me) Then all the sudden at the end of the session i pretty much lost all control.... i started shaking terrible ... i got lost in an old memory...kinda was there and not there... but then i heard myself say.... I am scared....i cant remember ever saying that before after that my emotions (which i never have or show) took off totally out of control..it really freaked me out. It was time for me to leave and somehow i was aware of that , but i just couldnt get myself together....finally after what felt like forever i just jumped up and ran out. Now i am completely freaked out about going back... im very embarrassed and ashamed at how i acted. i have an appt monday at 2 then see the pdoc at 3 but i dont know if i can go back... what if that happens again...Last night was just awful... i felt scared , alone , lonely , lost , depressed ... this morning doesnt feel quite as bad .. but i really feel like i need to talk to my therapist .. i need to tell her that i am sorry about the way i behaved in there wednesday... i need to tell her that i wont let that happen again.... OMG i dont get angry , cry , scared , i dont do emotions .... so what happened ???????????

I think as you posted...you got lost in an old memory...

Many of us here don't do emotions well. You did nothing to be embarrassed about. Continue to discuss with your therapist how this is effecting you. You may complete some really important work.

you know this experience though horrible and scary might not be all bad. I think it's important to learn how to open up to people and what happened with your therapist is a step in that direction.

Is it so wrong to cry?

I don't know why your depression has become worse recently but I sympathize. And unfortunately I can relate as well. I agree with Direction that a lot of us are uncomfortable with emotions or showing them. It can be scary. I don't think you need to apologize for what happened. I had therapy at a family service center long ago. The doctors did 6 moth stints there before going on to private practice. As one of my doctors was nearing the end of her 6 months we were talking about our time together. She mentioned that both she and my previous doc had tried to make me angry as part of therapy. I tell that story here because it's possible that your therapist wanted to provoke an emotion. I don't know that's what happened of course but just mentioning it as a possibility. And sometimes emotions just come out as part of therapy I suppose. I don't think it's something you need to regret or feel embarrassed about. Hope you start to feel better very soon.

I wont say its wrong to cry ...its just so damn deep

feeling slightly better ... admitted self to partial hospitalization program