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#1
Jul 05, 2011, 03:03 PM
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...Until I asked the mental health team for their help.
5 days, 3 phone calls and 3 times I've been shunned by them. After telling them I'm suicidal and honestly don't know if I can keep myself safe anymore, they just say "Okay, well keep yourself safe and take care of yourself, bye!" So now I'm sat here after being shunned for the 3rd time and all that's running through my head is 'OD. OD, OD, go on just flippin' OD!!!' It's been almost a year since I last self harmed or attempted suicide. I has been a bloody hard year filled with happiness, love and care, but then more fighting, more trying, more pushing to get better and failing. Now I'm stuck with having to give my partner my razor half way through shaving because I have a sudden impulse to self harm and I know that if I do NOT get rid of that blade right away, I will act on it. I'm stuck having to write this instead of giving in to the impulse to overdose. I'm stuck with worrying about money and my future, worrying about whether I'll ever get out of this hell, worrying whether my depression will cause me to lose the Man I love with all my heart. I'm sat here listening to Pink's F**kin' Perfect and all I can think when I watch that video and listen to those lyrics is 'That's me. Over and over, that's me. My thoughts, my actions, my emotions.' Today all I feel like doing is just giving up on everything. I feel so lost and like no-one's here to help me, like they just don't WANT to help me or be there. I just want someone who gets it, who knows how it feels. Jeez, yesterday was the 19 year anniversary of my Dad committing suicide. And only one person was there for me when I needed to talk about it. ONE person. I had the worst day ever yesterday and it's hit me tonight, making me want to go the same way he did. Eurgh. Why is this so hard?!?!?! WHY!!!! I WANT to get better. I WANT to be happy, I WANT to be the person I always strive to be, so why can't I? Why won't anything or anyone ALLOW me to?  Just please, someone tell me, honestly. Will I ever make it? 
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#2
Jul 05, 2011, 05:56 PM
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Dear ThePainNeverDies, I don't know the future. What I do know is that you are still alive despite everything. You know love. Those are significant somethings.
Quote:
You judge you require assistance in order to remain safe. That's a courageous and honest assessment. Apart from these people who have not responded to you, to whom can you turn? Please keep posting. 
__________________
My dog  mastered the "fetch" command. He would communicate he wanted something, and I would fetch it.
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#3
Jul 05, 2011, 07:13 PM
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My dear friend! I've missed you! I am so sorry things are spiraling again. My belief, because I believe in you, is that yes, you will make it. You've been through more than anyone should have to and you still manage to maintain a positive outlook, a desire to succeed. I believe in you.
__________________
____________________________________ "We can't talk at the same time! It doesn't work like that! I talk, you talk, I talk, you talk!!" ~ Peanut 
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#4
Jul 08, 2011, 05:11 AM
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Rohag,
The only other person I have to turn to, apart from my Partner, is my close friend Sky. I often talk to her when I'm struggling and she helps me to find ways to either feel better or solve the problems. She always reminds me of what I've come through and how well I've done and she's said she's going to remind me more often of how proud of me she is and what strength I have, what a unique person I am to have gone through all I have and come out who I am. Finally, yesterday I got a letter through the post. I'm meant to give 2 weeks notice at work if I want time off. But the mental health team sent me a letter - FINALLY! - With an appointment date for this Monday coming, so I know my manager's gonna give me a hard time about that because I always work Monday mornings... So I think I'm gonna struggle to get that time off, but I won't cancel the appointment because I've waited ages for this and if my manager can't accept that, well then she's in the wrong because it's medical care. CSC, I'm getting there. I felt better yesterday even though I did have a down moment, but I think I'll get down moments anyway. Everyone does. I just think I'll get them more often than not :/ I hope I stop getting the down moments, or that the down moments get less painful and frequent, but we'll see. Today is a better day and I'm hoping it'll stay that way. |
 Rohag
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#5
Jul 08, 2011, 05:52 AM
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So sorry you have been having such a rough time lately. Glad yesterday was better. I have been struggling some too, after having been a whole lot better. I understand exactly what you are saying about your feelings. Have you ever tried calling the suicide hotline? They have a very calming person who will talk to you about things you might do to help yourself feel better when you are so down. I think the major benefit is just talking to the calming voice.
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#6
Jul 12, 2011, 04:42 AM
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Thanks online_user.
I always talk to people working for things like suicide hotlines or who were counselors but aren't anymore. I mostly just cope on my own, getting myself through everyday somehow. I don't know how I do it really. But now that I've given up self harm, my ED is my way of coping and more often than not I am stuck in a whirlwind of restricting, starving, weighing myself and generally doing everything I can to distract me from everything apart from my food intake. It's rubbish and I feel trapped. |
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#7
Jul 12, 2011, 10:47 AM
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Hello, ThePainNeverDies. I wish you well.
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#8
Jul 12, 2011, 05:17 PM
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I hope the appointment goes well.
__________________
It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a sentence, to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, too, shall pass away." How much it expresses! How chastening in the hour of pride! How consoling in the depths of affliction! ---"Address before the Wisconsin State Agricultural Society". Abraham Lincoln Online. Milwaukee, Wisconsin. September 30, 1859. |
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#9
Jul 12, 2011, 05:52 PM
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Today I feel more wretched than ever.
Okay, I had a great evening because I watched Transformers 3 with Dave and our friends, but all night all I could think about was food and how crap I felt. Just feel so low today and really don't know what to do. I'll be posting in the ED forum I think... Depression's a *****. I hate being me right now
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