[Smith_L]

First off, I’m not writing this as a “Feel Sorry for Me” bit. I’m asking for your help. If you look at me, you would see a smiling, happy, 22 year old guy. I usually appear to be confident, happy, no worries what so ever. But masked behind that smile and laughter, I have been suffering for a long time. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I was truly happy; at least ten years ago. I have never had someone that I would call a real friend. I had friends through school, but no one that I would call a true friend. I never had a real girlfriend either. In fact, I’ve never been kissed or went past briefly holding hands in grade school. In fact, some of my family members and friends have actually asked me if I was gay, which I am not. It’s not really that big of a deal, but it hurts me just knowing that some people, especially my family, friends, and coworkers, feel this way about me. My parents are the type that never showed any type of love or affection towards me or my brother. I know that they assume that it is applied, and I know it is, but it’s just the fact of the matter. My whole teen and adult life has been focused on two things, aviation and helping others. But, I focused on those things and only those things and neglected everything else, including myself. I dreamed of being a pilot since I was in the 1st grade. I loved everything about it. When I was 13, I joined a youth division of a local air and ground search & rescue team. The training involved took up most of my time. In high school, my grades slowly got worst and worst, not because of the activities that I was involved in, but because I ended up getting a “I don’t care anymore” attitude. I still kept them at a 2.8, but I was a 4.0 student. At the end of high school, I left to go to college. It was actually my dream school. I was majoring in Aeronautical Science. I obtained my private pilot’s license and was working on my instrument rating when I was there. I also got my EMT license and volunteered with the campus emergency medical services. My GPA throughout college was a 3.6. Everyone thought that I was in the perfect place. WRONG! The whole time that I was there, I hated it. I hated waking up in the morning knowing that I had nothing to look forward to in the day. At the end of the first semester of my sophomore year, I left that school, without finishing my flight training or degree, and was transferred to a university that was closer to where my home is. I left that school mainly because I hated it, but also because I couldn’t afford it anymore. It cost $45,000 per year. The university that I transferred to was $17,000. So, I signed up for classes at the new college. I was going to be majoring in the same concentration as before. My advisor said that all of my classes would be able to be transferred so everything should work out fine. One week later, I get a call from the university telling me that not one single credit will be transferred from the other college because that school was classified as a technical university and this school is a liberal arts university. I don’t know how Introduction to Psychology is different from place to place but whatever. I told them forget it. I wasn’t going to waste that type of money taking classes that I’ve already taken. And two years later, here I am. I live at home with my parents. Still have no friends. I’m still not able to talk to my parents openly. I do have a job however. I work as an EMT on the ambulance which I love, but it is not what I wanted to do or planned to do. I work what seems to be nonstop just to get some change in my pocket. The pay is very little with no benefits. No where enough to get on my own, especially with $1500 a month of student loan payments. I’ve never seeked professional help and I have been refusing to see a professional, but this past week, I’ve been thinking about it. I do not want to be medicated just yet. I want to try to solve this in other ways. I do know that I suffer from severe depression. I have since about 14. I have no self-confidence or self-esteem. I’ve recently started having anxiety attacks, sometimes severe. I also have very high stress. And I think I also suffer from PTSD due to a call that I went on about six months ago involving a child. My sleep pattern is screwed up completely. Sometimes I sleep okay, other times (more frequently than not) I can’t sleep at all. Anymore, I just don’t want to do anything. I have lost all interest in the things that I used to love. I feel that my life is a complete failure. I’m a college dropout that now has no future that has to hold mommy and daddy’s hands just so that I can survive. No friends, no family to lean on, no life. But, I am not suicidal. That is one thing that I won’t even consider. Sure, I’ve had those thoughts run through my mind about doing it, and I’m pretty sure that I’ve been to the point where most people would do it, but I never would. But anyway, I do keep these feelings all inside and instead of talking to someone about it, I put on a smile and act like the world is in my hands. Every now and then, I find myself having crying spells and I’ve noticed that I now have a very short temper which I never had before. I am constantly snapping at my parents for the littlest of things. I just can’t control that for some reason. They are the only ones that I do that to. When I’m around others, I don’t snap like that. I feel like doing it, but I am usually able to restrain myself. It seems like my short term memory is shot. I can’t concentrate on the simplest of tasks. At times, I’m so jittery and nervous, my hands start shaking, I start getting heart palpitations, and I can’t catch my breath. I just don’t understand any of this. I don’t smoke, drink, or use drugs. My greatest fear in life is not death or heights; it’s being alone for the rest of my life. My main dream is to have a loving family of my own. A wonderful, loving wife and a healthy, courageous little boy and maybe even a little girl. That is my dream, but every second of everyday I see that dream getting further and further away. I have absolutely no idea where I’m going for a career. What I always wanted to do seems to be impossible to do now, and without a good job, I refuse to subject anyone to someone that is not able to support himself, let alone a family. I never realized that I had these feelings until about a year ago when I started seeing the people that I grew up with graduating college, getting these great jobs, buying houses, starting a family, etc. while I sit here doing nothing. I’ve tried to get back into school, but there is nothing that I want to study anymore. I’ve tried to get out more and meet people, but that seems not to work either. I just need some advice, any advice.

[Rohag]

Hello & Welcome, Smith_L! The first thing that jumps out at me is the sleep problem. Improving your sleep won't solve all your problems, but continued poor sleep will make everything more difficult.

Your resources are limited, but do you think you can get to a doctor for an initial discussion?

[porcupine2]

It is hard to take action when you feel as if you have no energy or passion about it. What I do is get out some music - the Beatles works for me - that I can sing along to. It helps empty my brain and music lifts my mood. I would really urge you to see someone, being on an anti-depressant can help you step back and re-evaluate what is going on from a healthier perspective. I know I couldn't do it without medication. I hope you feel better soon.

[Leed]

Hi ~ Bless your heart -- you have no desire to do anything because you're so severely depressed!! I've been where you are, and it's awful !!

What I would do is get in contact with my medical doctor & tell him about the depression -- and ask him if medication would be possible. There is NOTHING wrong with taking an antidepressant -- they aren't addictive -- you become physically dependent on them, and that's a FAR CRY from addiction. Some of us just don't produce enough of the 'hormones, etc' to counteract the depression. The antidepressant replaces those elements so that we feel "normal" -- whatever that is. LOL

I've been depressed since I was a child -- so I've been on antidepressants for years. It allows me to focus -- it keeps me from obsessing about my "lot in life;" I'm able to function & make decisions without getting caught up in my problems. To make it short -- my life is MUCH better now since i began antidepressants.

I think that once you get your depression under control, you will see that you CAN still go back to school; you CAN achieve your life's desire of becoming a pilot, or whatever it was you were heading for. You'll find a way to get the proper funding to go back to school. Everything will fall into place, one at a time. You are still young -- you have plenty of time to do what you want -- and you WILL want things again. Right now, you're just stuck in a mire of depression.

Talk to your doc -- or if you just plain don't want medication -- get into therapy. You might check with your county's Mental Health agency and see if they offer counseling based on your ability to pay. It might be very cheap -- some places even offer it for free if you qualify. Best of luck and God bless. Be good to yourself! Hugs, Lee

[Salmacis]

Very sorry you're going through all this, Smith_L... my heart is with you!

I think it would help tremendously if you could just talk to an impartial party about your feelings - just someone who could listen. Since you're 22, you should still be covered under your parents' health insurance (assuming they have some). If not, you might try making a few phone calls to local counselors/therapists. Often, they will offer a sliding scale for cheaper fees for those who don't have health coverage or who make below a set income.

Regarding the college credits, I completely understand your frustration... I went to three universities (in three different states), accumulating for 7 years, and none of them would accept my credits from the other universities.

I, too, struggled for years to meet new people & make new friends. I finally decided to not try so hard or force the issue & just joined in activities that I enjoyed (mostly music, both going to concerts & writing/playing music). Meeting people with the same interests followed naturally...

Don't know if any of this helped, but if not, I hope you can find the answers you need soon...

Salmacis

[kaliope]

you have so many of the classic signs of depression, just as everybody has said. so your lack of motivation to improve your life is totally understandable. while medication at this point would certainly help, i understand your desire not to want to have to take meds. therapy is definately in order though. you cannot go through this alone. a good therapist will be able to help navigate you through this depression without the use of meds. As Salmacis says, there are probably financial options availble to you. you can google becks depression inventory online and take this assessment to get an idea of where your depression falls from normal to severe.

[Smith_L]

Thank you all.

@Salmacis I have joined different groups, plus the volunteer groups that I am a part of, but I have yet to have any luck.

@kaliope I've never taken the Beck, but I've taken several others and every one of them says that my depression is severe.

[Smith_L]

This has really gotten out of control this past week. I feel like I'm getting really close to some kind of a "breaking point". I really need to get this under control so that I don't find out what that "breaking point" is. My emotions are so screwed up right now. It seems like I have absolutely no control over them. Everything has become worst than I can even describe. I just want to get over this somehow and go on with my life.

[Smith_L]

Today was the straw that broke the camels back. On top of everything that has been going, my dad passed away this morning unexpectedly. He had no medical history, was on no medication, nothing. He just woke up this morning and said that he was feeling sick. The next thing I know, I'm in the back of the ambulance with the Paramedic doing CPR on him. Too sudden. Too unexpected. Too young.

[Rohag]

I'm sorry. My deepest condolences. Peace to you.

[porcupine2]

I am so sorry for your loss. My mother died unexpectedly too of a massive heart attack when she had no history or problems before that. I wish there was something I could say or do.....it seems the first few days everyone focuses on the arrangements etc and all you can do is feel numb and go through the motions. It's after all the well wishers have left that really starts the grieving process. The one positive thing that resulted from my mother's death is that I was referred to a grief counselor and she literally saved my life. It's so important to have someone to talk to, especially now as everything must seem so surreal. My thoughts and prayers are with you...

[gma45]

I am so sorry! sending blessings your way!