I am unhappy. (LONG rant).

I had a full life- I was going through high school, I had a fantastic group of friends, I had a plan for college, everything was falling neatly into place. I was unhappy around my mother and family life at home, but that was expected, I'm a teenager after all, the whole "leaving the nest" thing had kicked in.

Two or three weeks ago ( I cannot remember which, my brain is too fuzzy), the first boyfriend I ever fell in love with broke up with me. It was a peaceful, albeit sad departure. His plans and mine were so different, and however in love we were, we concluded we could not logically pursue the relationship.

Everything seems to be going down the toilet. My financial aid for the school I am planning on attending in the fall has still not gone through, and I found out yesterday that no one in my family can help me pay the housing deposit.

No one saved up for college for me- I was told that they had, but then the economy tanked, and savings were used. I have no money of my own and am unable to get a job: aside from there being so few in the area I live in, my attempts to get a job have been unsuccessful, and as soon as I begin looking for one, my mother becomes angry with me and claims that I am never at home to watch my younger sibling so that she can look for a job.

At the beginning of summer, my mother told me that I had three months to do whatever I wanted, so long as I could arrange the transportation and finances myself. I could, the first week, and so, over a period of seven days, I spent the night at a friend's house twice. Twice. I did not do drugs, I did not party, and I told my mom everything truthfully. And at the end of the week, she revoked my privileges, saying that she never had the opportunity to go jobhunting because I am never at home.

The issue is, when I am home, my mom stays home as well. She says we have no gas money or gets angry and says "she just does not want to", or that she does not have interview clothes or does not have the proper resume. I downloaded resume templates for her, which she has never looked at. In the past two and a half months, she has gone "job hunting" only once, and applied for three jobs at a casino, and was never called back. Otherwise, on nights when I am home, she goes out of the house for three-nine hours to the bar. She will go an hour to three during the daytime, but if it is a weekend night she will leave as early as four with her boyfriend and not be home until ten at the earliest, one or two at the latest. She will then stumble in drunk and breathe her gross-smelling breath on me and wake me up and become hurt when I do not want to deal with her late-night drunken shenanigans.

She complains of being bored at home and having no money but she will do nothing to change that. I have had my braces on for two and a half years, and have not gotten them fixed or taken off in a year and a half. It will cost us about $400 to get them taken off. I recently found out that we had spare money in the bank account- about $400, actually, and then my mother spent it on a car so that the whole family could drive around together in a single car, rather than three of us cramped in a bench seat 1979 toyota pickup. We no longer use the family car. Mom got a ticket not a week after she got and refuses to drive it now because she's paranoid that the policemen are tracking her and that she is more comfortable driving the pickup truck- WITH A TWO AND A HALF YEAR OLD IN A CAR SEAT IN THE TRUCK.

Our house has no oven, no washer or dryer, and cable only in the living room. It is in the middle of the ghetto, there is no lawn, and there is no where to walk, really. I am not allowed to sit in my room most days because my mother thinks it is too antisocial of me, so I am usually forced to sit in the living or dining room and do nothing, or else play with my baby sister, because my mom will not do it.

Most days, I wake up, and my mother and little sister are already awake or just waking. I will get my little sister a bottle and then heat myself a cup of coffee and then my mother will return to bed for three to four hours. Meanwhile, I will do the dishes, change my little sister's diaper, feed her a real breakfast, clean her up, and put on cartoons and then sit around and stare until my mother wakes.
She will then wake up, usually expecting sprite or kool-aid. She'll have a cigarette and throw up snot because she refuses to quit smoking. She starts drinking beer at one in the afternoon, usually, and normally goes through a twelve pack a day. Rinse, repeat.

I am seventeen. I cannot legally provide for myself. My two best friends cannot house me, as both are moving out of their parents' homes because of their own circumstances.

I do not have my license. My mother will not take me, for one reason or another: No money, I need my ID, we have my little sister, I cannot drive the truck, the truck is not fit to be driven, etc.

And as unbearable as all of that is, I still love my mother. Moving out would be betrayal in her eyes, a suggestion that she is an unfit mother. She was a wonderful mother until her own depression kicked in six years ago. She believes she recovered- I believe she remissed for a year after she met her current boyfriend and then collapsed again once she had my younger sister, and once my dad took custody of my younger brother away from her.

I cannot help her though, because telling her she is depressed has no effect. She says that she knows, but that she has no money or no time to go see a therapist, or that a therapist has nothing to offer her.

I am not coping well with all the stress right now. I am sad that high school is over, because it was the first time in my life I had ever had real friends. I am depressed that my boyfriend and I broke up, for obvious reasons, and it hurts more still that he and I want to be friends, and I want to talk to him, but I sometimes find it painful to do so.

My own depression frightens me. I go through periods of intense happiness and exuberation- anywhere from several hours to several days of happiness! I am excited, I have a plan, I have things to go, things to live for.

Periodically throughout the day, I will be hit by one of several things-

Hallucinations. They're not true hallucinations, because I am aware that they are not real. It's more like a slackening of grip on reality, where images and sounds cloud my brain and overlap on what's around me. Memories, projected futures, fears, all relay into this. It's like lucid daydreaming, and it's gotten worse the last few days. Last night, I found out that it was the only way to comfort myself on the loss of my ex-boyfriend. In these projected futures, I am with him, I am happy, he is an idealised form of himself, and time and obstacles do not exist. It's almost comforting to slip into these dream-like states-- until I open my eyes.

Severe sadness- I will suddenly burst into tears over little reminders of my unhappiness. Sometimes it will last for hours. My record is four and a half hours of uncontrollable sobbing.

Emptiness-Reminding myself of where I am and what's going on in my life is always dreadful. I feel this cavity inside of me; I am just a vacant being, wasting air. My life means nothing to me, because I will never achieve beyond what I am capable of doing in this life. Life is so predetermined, without us even realising it. There are only several "paths" to follow, and they all lead to the same end.

My future is undecided- I have never had a set career path, and still don't. I suddenly don't see the point in putting myself into thousands of dollars of debt in student loans on attaining a degree I don't even know if I want or if I can use. I've considered attending a community college, but it would mean living with my mother for two more years, because I would never be financially sound enough to move out.

I have no hope. My former dreams were to go to France, and to Germany, and Austria. I wanted to live in France. Now, it doesn't matter to me. I've come to the scary conclusion that nothing in life truly matters: what will it matter if I go or not? When I'm dead, I'll remember none of it. My existence literally means nothing. Why am I wasting the chances that much more deserving people could be using??

I am a horrible human being. I don't care about other people, I am not a helpful person. I'm cruel, and judgmental, and brutal, and ruthless. I'm angry and overdramatic and bitter and naive. I'm so, so young. I have so much to live for, and so much disappointment to live through.

Honestly, I do not want to fully move on from my ex boyfriend. And I do not want him to fully move on from me. Some part of my brain deludes me into believing that we still have a teeny, itty bitty window of hope far off in the future if I can get my act together. He is moving to Germany, for life, and I somehow feel that if I can gear my life close enough to his-- to France, and then somehow fall in love with Germany myself-- we could be together, when we weren't so young, when we weren't so restricted by life.

It's unreasonable and illogical, I know, and that hurts, but it is literally the only thing that keeps me sane. Knowing that he loves me, and a part of him always will, keeps me sane. I cannot bear, at least not right now, to have him only as my friend. He gave me nothing, I wanted nothing from him. We didn't have sex, nor had we planned to in the near future. It wasn't about sex. It was about him. It was about being with him. Being together.

That's all that matters to me. But we broke up two weeks ago, because he wanted to extend his stay in Germany for the summer, and if he stays, he may get accepted into a German university this term. And if he does, I will never see him again.

I cannot cope with that, not yet.

I am visiting my dad and brother for a week and it seems to have had no effect. It put me into that euphoria, but these last few days seem to be going in reverse. What's worse is that I'm beginning to have thoughts of death. This happened before, to a point where it crossed my mind so often I believed I had to commit suicide just to get the thoughts of death out of my mind.

I know all of this is irrational, but I cannot get it to stop.
The symptoms are increasing in frequency and intensity.
I do not want anyone of my friends or relatives to know because I do not want them to pity me; I do not want them disappointed in me; I do not want them angry with me.
I should clarify that: I do not want my ex-boyfriend to find out. I fear that if he finds out, he will be so angry/disappointed/guilty, he will no longer talk to me whatsoever. That would be intolerable.

Life has lost all of its colour, and I am frightened.

((Hugs))

I think you are going through a lot of stress right now and so long as so much pressure is on you, the symptoms will get worse. I don't think you should be ashamed to get help. It takes a bigger person to acknowledge something is wrong AND seek help. There are programs out there that you can sign up for to see therapists and psychitrists. PC even gives a coupon thinggy (something like that) where you can get 80% off your meds if you have no insurance.

Remember, people who love and care for you will support you through your trials and tribulations.

Hi Mcspaz,

First of all you are lucky that you care about your family and they, you. It's unfortunate that your mom is under so much stress though, as it is also affecting you. As for you ex, breaking up is a tough thing to go through especially as you did not initiate it. It's good that you are so self aware and are able to express yourself so very clearly. Hopefully your venting will help ease your anxieties and thoughts of death. Could you sit your mother down one day and have a good talk with her? Does she know how devastated you are about the breakup? She might not realize how unhappy you are. Or is there someone like a school counselor you could talk to? As for your ex, it's hard to predict what will happen. You are both young and people sometimes grow in different directions. If that is the case, that is part of life, as painful as it is. Well, I hope that you can gradually work things out for yourself. Take small steps and be prepared for disappointment, but don't give up. You have a family who loves you and that is worth living for. Take care-Terry

There is so much that I want to say to you...I probably will forget something, but hopefully what I include will be helpful/comforting.

You have a very, very hard life. You have to attend to all of your sick mother's duties while dealing with the same cursed illness yourself. You are expected to sacrifice everything-your future, your dreams, even your need for privacy (I would be even crazier than I am if my parents forbade me the time I spend in the safety of my room) for your mother. And you don't even get any recognition for it. Combine this environment with an already-present depression, and it's no wonder that you feel hopeless and occasionally even suicidal.

Since your life is very hard, you are going to have to make it easier. This is going to take A LOT of courage, because the things you need to do are going to upset your mother and temporally make things worse before they get better. But I think that you can do it. You have proven yourself to be very strong; even though you are depressed, you still take care of your entire family. You still are able to love your mother even though her illness has complicated your life immeasurably. It takes someone very special to do what is everyday life for you.

The only way that you will ever be free of your current sitaution (and you NEED to be free of it; it literally is a life or death situation because stress is very dangerous, especially for those of us with mood disorders) is if you break free from your mother and start living your own life. On airplanes, the flight crew always tells passengers that, in the case of an emergency resulting in the loss of oxygen in the cabin, adults are to put on their own oxygen masks first, and then to take care of their childrens' masks. You have to take care of yourself before you can help anyone else; you can't help your mother when you are drowning in a depression exacerbated by a stressful environment yourself. So leave your house to find a job; if your mother can't go out to the bars when you're not home, then all the more reason to spend more time out! A job will allow you a few hours of peace outside of your chaotic home life every week. It will also be an excellent opportunity to meet new people who can potentially befriend you, support you, and inspire you.

If you get a job, I suggest that you open your own bank account. You can give a bit of your pay to your family to help them get by, but you need the money yourself because you have a future to plan for and a life to live.

I think it would be wise to give community college a try, if you can afford it. I am a college student, and I can assure you that most people our age do not know what to do w/ their lives. I've personally switched my major (from genetics to neurobiology/psychology). There are classes that are pre-reqs to nearly any degree you may later want to pursue (calculus, chemistry, compositional English, intro psychology, etc.) that you could take now without fear of wasting your money. While taking these classes you will be exploring your interests, and you just might find your passion. At the very least, you will be away from your house and meeting people, which is very, very important.

You also need to get treatment for your mood disorder. Your euphoric periods suggest a possible bipolar disorder to me (though perhaps I'm biased because I have bipolar, have read a lot about it, and consequently see it everywhere.) Regardless of whether you have a depressive disorder, a bipolar disorder, or something different entirely, therapy and an evaluation by a psychiatrist will do a lot of good for you. You've been functioning very well despite your disorder (and again, kudos to you! That is truly a great accomplishment representing an unbendable spirit), but you are still miserable and have been considerably suicidal. You have a medical illness; you need to be in the care of a good doctor. There are ways to get low-cost therapy and medications, one of which confusedinomicon mentioned.

You can also look into self-help methods online. The psychotherapy forum has a list of "cognitive distortions" that cause us to suffer. You could read through them, identify the ones you most struggle with, and work on changing them. Also, take care of yourself physically the best you can. Get exercise (even if it's just walking around or jogging in front of your TV), try to keep to a consistent sleep schedule, and eat as healthfully as possible. I know these things are very difficult; I am a bit of a hypocrite as I don't think I am capable of doing them myself. But they are very important, especially in situations like yours.

Overall, please remember that you are a worthy individual. From what you wrote, you can be quite hard on yourself. Would you talk to a friend the way you talk to yourself sometimes? No? You are just as human as anyone else, and just as worthy of love, satisfaction, and independence. I understand your hopelessness completely. My life is not nearly as complicated, but I know what it's like to think that life is nothing more but "more disappointment to live through". Please know that these feelings and thoughts are a product of your illness, and not an accurate reflection of reality. Once you are stabilized, life will look brighter.

And lastly, do not feel ashamed of the symptoms you have been experiencing. They are not your fault. If anything, you should take pride in your ability to function despite their never-ending attempts to pull you further into the darkness. Maybe if your mother sees you get better with treatment, she'll even be more apt to try therapy herself. I'd also like to hope that your ex-boyfriend would not emotionally abandon you for having a psychiatric condition. You are still the girl he fell in love with. If he is as worthy of your heart as you have judged him to be, he will be nothing but supportive of you.

You don't deserve to live as a prisoner to your own family. You do owe love and support to your mother, as she gave you life and raised you. However, her liberty ends where yours begins.

I wish you luck as you attempt to do what seems to be impossible. The mountain won't seem so insurmountable once you've climbed it. Feel free to PM me if you ever feel overwhelmed and need someone.

It's been many months since this post and I'd like to say that I'm doing much better.
I took a hiatus to improve my circumstances.

I finally moved off to college and I fare very well up here. I'm starting winter quarter in a couple of days and I'm very excited. I'm outside the reach of my mother, though I have visited her often lately, I've decided that I am going to keep my entire family at a distance I am comfortable with until I can forgive everyone in it.

My life is pleasant and full: I have a boyfriend, who takes very good care of me and whose parents seem to like me very well. I have yet to expose the depression I went through but I believe it is about time I did. As whiny as my problems sounded, they were very real to me and I underwent a humongous transformation. I am not the same person I was upon entering depression- but that's part of growing up, isn't it?

As it stands, though I love my college life and wish to continue pursuing it, I am currently planning to drop out in the near future and either take a couple of months to travel independently or take about eight months to be an Au Pair in France. I'm weighing the pros and cons of each, either way, I do not intend to stay in the college I am in now all four years. I will return to my studies: I've been applying to other universities as a transfer student and have already received admission to one. This is something I've told everyone except my parents, and that's the way it will stay.

I'd like thank each of you for responding to this thread and thought I owed you an update. You may very well have saved my life. It was comforting knowing there was someone else out there that cared and you guys DID what you had in your power to do. You owe yourselves something! I'm in a much better place now, but I still deal with a tendency for depression.

I will of course keep you guys up to date.

woah... are you on vyvanse are some other adhd stimulant? (lol that is the only time i can type nearly that much...)

But..
Are you able to become an emancipated minor with the help of family friends, or any friend family's?