Struggling To Muddle Through. *Positive & Negative*

Hi everyone,

Firstly, I have missed everyone here SO much! It was only when I received a PM from a member that I remembered how long I've been away from the depression boards.

Secondly, in exactly 11 days it is a whole YEAR since I last self harmed or attempted suicide!!! Go me! It's been a good year, a lot has happened, lots has been said and done and there have been ups, downs and a few in between moments.

But, once again I'm back and I'm struggling. Again!

My ED is slowly sliding away so I'm coping quite well with that somehow, just struggling a lot with sleep and depression at the moment. I'm worried that my lack of eating a couple of weeks ago and my (too) slow re-feeding has caused me to become B12 deficient. I've had a B12 deficiency before and I felt tired and anxious a fair bit, but never this bad. It gets to around 9pm at night and I feel absolutely shattered. Yet when I go to bed and try to sleep, I'm wide awake again, despite having taken my AD's and despite having a cup of tea/hot chocolate (low fat of course... ), having a bath and reading before I finally settle down. I can hardly read by that point because I'm so tired, yet about an hour later I'm still struggling to sleep and starting to get quite upset.

I'm anxious at work that people are judging me and that I'm not making enough effort etc (I just started a new job so am training for 3 weeks), worried I'm not making a good enough impression.

2 days ago, I was reading my book to wind down a bit after having a particularly anxious few hours. My book is a very positive, inspiring one and always lifts my spirits, but for some unknown and quite frustrating reason, I just burst into tears and curled up in a ball crying. Just before I started that, David had started to come up the stairs but I hadn't heard him, then he came into the room to find me bawling my eyes out. The first thing he did was to say "Oh honeeeeeeey, what's wrong??? " and then he gathered me into his arms and just cuddled me for a while.

What could I say to him? Nothing. So I said nothing and shrugged, sobbing into his shoulder. He asked a few times what was on my mind and I just had no idea. All I could think about was how lonely I felt and how afraid I was of losing everything, how worried I was about moving forward with life, whether I'd actually make it or not. So, in the end I went to the bathroom to wash my face. David followed me which I'd hoped wouldn't happen because I wanted to just go in there and sob harder. Heh.

Right now, it's 8.45pm and already I'm feeling my eyes go heavy and my back start to feel tense and full of aches and pains. When I first started writing this post, I was feeling tearful. Now I'm on the brink of tears. Again, I have no idea why! It just seems to happen for no apparent reason at the worst of times. So now here I sit writing this, aching, trying to keep my eyes open, almost crying, thinking about how I need to make my lunch for tomorrow. All I can think of in answer to that is 'don't even bother eating, you ugly, fat, disgusting thing.' Great.

So much good stuff has happened recently, so many changes and now I just don't feel able to cope for some reason. I keep getting horrendous stomach cramps and just feel generally crap, but moreso emotionally than anything else.

I guess I came here looking for hugs and words of encouragement/support. I've been so close to breaking this year of no self harm/suicide but I really don't want to and it's getting harder to fight as the day draws nearer. Just wish I had someone who understood, right by my side to pick me up when I fall and struggle to get back up again. I do that for every one of my friends, it would just be nice for someone to come along and offer a hand when I'm down, instead of kicking me.

*sigh*

Great to hear from you, ThePainNeverDies!
In my experience of depression and anxiety any change, for worse or for better, stresses me. Even good things can have a paradoxical destabilizing effect.

I'm glad for the good you've seen recently, yet I can imagine it placing its own kind of pressure on you. Even in the midst of good developments, please be safe.

I appreciate your post. You said a lot of things that are similar to how I feel. I don't gcry as much as I did in the past. I know how you feel to be a tap of support for friends and loved ones and just be rewarded with more buckets and criticism. Just know you aren't alone and people are out there that understand better than most and want to see you safe and well.

Hi, ThePainNeverDies. It sounds as if you've come a very long way and have managed to improve on so many things in your life (overcoming suicidal behaviour and self harm)! Hold on to the knowledge that you've done it and see your current slump as something that you can get over again. You've had the strength to become so much better. You can do it again! It's good that you're posting.

I don't know if this applies in your situation, but I am finding that when the depression is coming under control, there are pieces to pick up, and that seems pretty overwhelming. If that is the case, don't be hard on yourself, that is what I am trying to do while I sort it all out.

Rohag, thank you. Yes I totally agree with you about Any change... It's just another vicious circle, isn't it?

I'm still struggling and last night I was writing. Just doodling on paper, random words. But then it turned into really negative, nasty, suicidal stuff and I just put my pen down and walked upstairs. I went into the bathroom and just sobbed my heart out. Then I heard David talking and coming up the stairs, so I sniffled and he knocked on the door, asking to come in... Typical!

So I wiped my eyes, fanned my face and let him in. He said he was worried about me because I didn't seem okay so I brushed past him and said that I was doing fine, I was okay don't worry. He gave me a hug and said he loved me then went downstairs.

So, I went back to crying for a few minutes and then pulled myself back together, then went downstairs to join him. I really don't know what came over me. I have had a fab morning already today yet I feel really crappy for some reason. I just feel down for some reason, even though I just had a really great shoot and got some fantastic images out of it, I feel crap. It doesn't make sense!

moltenwater, you're right. It is like giving out everything I have just to get s**t thrown back at me. It's not fair at all

Marla, it does apply to me. It's hard to pick up those pieces and picking up those pieces makes it harder to overcome the depression. It is VERY overwhelming...

In 8 days' time I'll have made it a year with no self harm/suicide. It's getting harder as that day draws nearer, to keep up with it. Hmmm. I'm still fighting though.

Thanks for replying.

Keep fighting ThePainNeverDies - a year will be a fantastic achievement.

Sorry everyone, I will reply... Just not got the right head on at the moment, really struggling with no support apart from my own hope which is fading away quickly

I can feel your pain as someone who had "recovered" from depression for a while and now find myself in the midst of it all again.

Words are hollow and I'm not in the best state of mind to give advice but here's something you might want to try: juggle. I find that oranges work very well. It might sound silly but I find that it's helpful to have something else to fixate over during those times.

Chance of Rain, that is good advice...anything that you can engage in enough to concentrate. I think that's really good for your brain, even if you feel like you're not good at it at first.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

Today, as many of you know, is the year marker of my decision to stop self harming/attempting suicide.

So far I haven't done a lot today... Apart from get a message from a girl I don't even know, saying that my partner's been sending her disturbing, sexual messages... Now, I know Dave well and what she's told me about what he's been sending her, I know 98% he wouldn't send. He's just not into it! But the other 2% says to me well how does she know my name, that I'm a model and how does she know that I'm his partner?

So I'm stuck with some doubt on that front, but for today I'm not going to let it get to me until I know the facts. For now, it's a lie to me, from a jealous little girl who thinks that her lies will just make me leave Dave at the click of a finger. I'm not a compulsive person, so I'll find out the facts first. I did cry because I'm scared. I don't want to lose Dave and I feel that maybe he would be doing it because I'm not good enough for him. I've always had that doubt. I cried because I just thought why? Why would someone want to mess up the one day that I'm meant to be happy this year? And also because I just feel hopeless and I don't know what to do.

For now though, I'm gonna try to relax and enjoy my day of freedom from self harm.