[nowheretorun]

Jumping off a cliff...

Been so down lately. For awhile it seemed like this depression was gone, I should have known better.

Hope you all are doing better than I am.

[LMo]

omg - Nowheretorun - you're back! There have been several APBs out for you over the last year and a half or so since you left! Lots of people missed you!

I'm sorry it's back. Did something trigger it? Med change? What's going on?

i'm sorry. pat

[Lexicon78]

I've been where you are so many times. I know the feeling all too well. Try to hang in there. I know this must be very hard for you to go through right now. If you ever need someone to talk to, I'm here for you. I'm usually online, but if I'm not just PM me. I should be on very soon.

[samsara]

Your sig line says it all. Lightanddark's is pretty good too: never deny in the dark what you know to be true in the light.

It does get old to keep falling down the stairs. All the best to you on this go-round.

[Myzen]

Hi ntr,

Yes, it comes in waves. It's always like that.

Sometimes we do get a more permanent remission, when the waves get smaller and smaller. It can happen.

Peaceful thoughts, M

[Fuzzybear]

nowheretorun!! PM me if you ever want to talk,
Bearhugs,
Fuzzy

[(JD)]

sorry to hear you're in a bad spot. I'm surprised your original line wasn't edited! That's a good thing, I think... mods allowing a little leeway with our depressive feelings. I wouldn't choose a clift... want a clean shot to the ground full of fresh air and night sky.

Hey but it's good to see you around. Have you been reading all this time (here at PC) ??? I hope you stick around, if you can... you were missed.

[nowheretorun]

Hi Lmo,

No, I guess there was not a particular trigger. But it does seem like the feeling is so familiar I should recognize its' causes by now. Lonliness, sense of drifting, grief and loss for all that I wished for... feelings of failure. Guess I could go on and on ... Two of my closest family died this year, the holidays (ugh), but just having someplace to get out my feelings helped so much yesterday. I'm still so grateful to Doc John and everyone here. Thanks so much.

[nowheretorun]

((thanks))

[nowheretorun]

thanks, I'm trying, yes, sometimes it is so hard...

[nowheretorun]

thanks starting to feel better. wish you the best too...

[nowheretorun]

I hope, for all of us...

[nowheretorun]

((fuzzy)) hope hugs are still ok? good to hear from you

[nowheretorun]

guess I didn't stop to think about what I said in the original post, very sorry if it disturbed any of you. just meant it as a figure of speech, but the feelings I've had lately have been pretty bad.

No, I wasn't reading the forums regularly but I did pop in once or twice. I was offline most of the time, travelling. Weird thing is, I wasn't working regularly, I lived in my van (still do mostly), never had money, never knew where or when I would eat next, tossed way my appointment books, dropped out of school and became very "prayerful" and had the best time of my life. Scary, but still, happier than ever. Kind of want to do it again. Maybe it's staying stationary that depresses me, I don't know...

[LMo]

NTR - is that what you think it is? Why did you stop? I'm wondering if you could find some way of turning that lifestyle into a way of supporting yourself -- forest service, tour guide... something like that?

But about the feelings... what do you think would help you feel better? How are you coping now?

[nowheretorun]

Happy belated X-mas to all

I don't know lmo. Guess when I think about it, a lot of my depression time has been spent trying to figure out the exact causes of my depression, like if I could just find out why, then I can can fix it. What a waste... I mean, there probably is more to it than I will ever be able to understand and now I don't think I'd even recognize "normal" if I felt it anymore.

Yesterday was as close as I can think of. After spending time with my family and working a few hours, I spent some time alone but near the mall. I watched the x-mas lights awhile, there were only a few people around and the sense of safety and trust I felt, due to it being x-mas day and my inner belief that at that moment, for that small period of time, no one in my area was a threat, no one intended any harm, everyone was out to enjoy each moment, kind of reminded me of the long ago days when everything in the world was good. Of course it never really is, but when I was younger I could capture that feeling and hold onto it, never suspecting it might be taken away. I was sad and happy too...

I've tried to imagine what lifestyle would really be my ideal. I'm too confused now to understand and don't really trust anything I believe for the moment, it changes too often and too quickly. Travelling sounds great, but... would it really be the answer or would I consider it to be a dead end too after awhile... sometimes I really feel like all hope has run out, that my mind has been bent in so many directions it can never have its original shape again... a BIG Thank You for listening...