LOST, ANGRY, AND WANTING TO HIDE

Just when I take a step forward to a healthy me....I get knocked down further then where I started.
I ask myself WHY? do I keep going? Why do I think things will every get better?
I am angry. I get so angry that I want to start being destructive in any possible way I can find.
That is the fun part of being borderline I guess....there is no gray and right now I am having a pitch black mind f*cking that is totally wreaking havoc on my will to live.

Not that anyone wants to hear the ramblings of a lunatic...so let me hush up!

{{{{{{sj}}}}}} I think a lot of us have felt like you do and can empathize; I know I can.

Please PM me if you want/need to talk. Writing is a good way to deal with anger, I think, so ramble all ya want, hon!! (Although it doesn't sound at all like rambling to me!!)

Praying this darkness passes soon!

I'm pulling for you too, sj...let us help you.

Your Friend,
DJ

I went through a long period over the last 18 months that I have described as falling down a series of stairs. You hit the landing and think you are on the floor. Then you roll off the landing and fall down another flight of stairs. This continues until you are pretty much bonkers.

For me, I found that two things were helpful (meds have not been very helpful). Allow things to run their course - you don't have all that much control over it, especially if you have endogenous depression rather than situational depression. Second, lower your expectations of yourself until they align with what you are capable of. Only then can you begin to make progress in little baby steps. And you should congratulate yourself over those baby steps even though they would seem ludicrous from the standpoint of your former healthy self. That was you before - what you have to deal with is you now.

I think you are angry because you are frustrated. Just let those waves pass and move on. Acting out of anger is almost certain to be counterproductive and to set you back further.

I think of depression as standing in a hole a little taller than I am. As I turn around, all I can see is dirt. Nothing positive. But that is today. Tomorrow may be different, and it is often enough.

My favorite sig line, which is so bang on it's scary:

"Never deny in the dark what you know to be true in the light." - lightanddark

That's it in a nutshell. You might not see it, but you can maintain your faith that it is still there.

All the best ...

Susan,

I know how you are feeling and I understand. I am here for you now and always.







Huggles,

Jen

I am here to listen. You are not in any way a lunatic! I know I feel this very same way much of the time. Hang in there.

Okay kid this has helped me at times,
1 Take a roll of Tollet paper
2 write everything your angry about
3 include all ppl your pist at
4 Take into bathroom
5 Use and flush
and breathe deeply, it does get better
how can it not get better when ya got us on the forum pullin for ya