Don't know where I went wrong ..

I'm not sure which forum to post this in. Maybe it should go in personality disorders, but I'm not sure.
I just want to hear others' thoughts on this, get some help understanding what happened. Get some help.

My depression and impulsiveness have worsened a lot over the past year.
I've always had problems with depression. Since I was about 10. I'm not sure how long I had a personality disorder for. I got diagnosed last year, but I've 'known' I had borderline personality disorder since I was 12 and watched Girl, Interrupted for the first time. Maybe I didn't really have the disorder at that time and it was just my imagination but I don't think there's any way of knowing.

I have had some symptoms since I was little: self-harm, feeling empty all the time, turbulent relationships, identity issues, but things were never as bad as they are now. I finished high school, got through college. Got good grades, not excellent but good. I wasn't happy, but I managed to get by.
It was after college ended that things started falling apart. I had symptoms before but they were never this severe. I was never this impulsive, or this manipulative, I was never this good at switching off my conscience and doing whatever the hell I felt like just because it felt good in the moment - including hurting the people around me. I was never this big of a *****. I never felt this empty. or this reckless. Doing and saying things that I knew full well would hurt me, self-sabotaging so much. I was never this big of a mess.

And the worst part is - I don't understand it. When I view myself from the outside (I usually try not to - hurts too much), I'm exactly like those people who my friends and I used to think were really weird - antisocial, strange habits, hurtful ways. Except that all those people had something that was majorly wrong in their lives - difficult childhoods, unsupportive parents, some major trauma ... something.

I don't. I didn't have a difficult childhood, my family was pretty normal, my parents are really really supportive, the worse I get the more supportive they become, everything was okay. It wasn't always sunshine and happiness, but things were fine. There was nothing wrong. I have no excuse for the way I've become. I don't know what happened. and its killing me. none of this was supposed to happen and things werent supposed to go this wrong. and since they did, i'd like to at least know what the hell happened. because right now I have no idea.

:-(

Hi,
I think Im in the same boat as you. Ive no great traumas in my life, no abuse, neglect or deprivation - and yet Im a mess. My impulsiveness isnt spending or eating or drinking, though I wish it was, I just decide on stupid things and then do them! 6 months ago, I decided to move continents, and 3 weeks later I was gone, six months on im still here. I took a disliking to my roommate and a week later I moved out, I decided to quit my job even though Im in a foreign country with no money, and a day later Im unemployed.
Ive never been terribly happy, but like you say, I got by. Now though.. Im f***ing miserable! I think my weird moods are alienating the few friends I have left, I keep doing nonsensical things and saying hurtful comments. Theyre all starting to look at me sideways. I dont want to be like this!
Im thinking of buying a dog - thats the best solution I can come up with.

Hello, Pinkpony! Have your doctors/therapists been able to offer you any insights into you conditions? Of course, a problem with "whys" is that they may not be actionable. A knowledge or at least theory of "why" may not be truly useful in actually helping you progress.

But...knowing why might prove to be the key you need. If you can find it in yourself to do so, attack this question directly with your therapist.

I hope the journey toward why is helpful for you.

in my opinion, the brain is just another organ that can go wrong, but when it does, we notice it a lot more, because it controls so much that we think of as MySelf. and of course, it is socially problematic to have behavior disorders. the one thing that i feel is appropriate is accepting that this is quite ordinary, even tho unwanted, and begin to learn skills to handle your impairments. the sooner you get supports and skills, the safer you'll be. maybe that will involve meds, maybe not. best wishes, Gus

It sounds like you have not really confered with a therapist that specializes in your disorder. What you are discovering is an awareness that your behavior patterns are changing and even causing damage, but you cannot fix them yourself.

The first part of healing is recognising that you do have issues that you cannot seem to change or understand on your own. So be thankful for that. But the important step is in getting guidance and real therapy for this.

Any kind of psychological frustration can lead to a type of depression. And that happens because it can be both physically and psychologically exhausting to deal with the instability issues that are present.

Be glad that you are consciously aware there is an issue because it is important that you recognize you are somehow struggling. But I cannot say enough that is important that you seek out professional guidance to get you on the right track to learning what you are addressing and how to learn ways to resolve these issues.

Open Eyes