[WishingOnAStar]

I have not been able to feel much of anything, but today I do, and I can't take it anymore. I don't like life, I don't like my circumstances, I don't like that my Mom has Alzheimer's and my Dad is dying, I hate that people are out enjoying themselves while I hate being alive, I hate that I am not motivated, I hate that people don't understand, I hate that I've turned into a slob, I hate that I don't care about anything, I hate that I'm not skinny with a beautiful face, I hate that I haven't got hardly any friends because everyone has dropped me, I hate that I can't get back to church, I hate that I don't take better care of my Dad, I hate that I don't take care of the house better, I just hate having to exist in this world, I hate - I hate - I hate. The anger inside me is strong, but it is so depressing. I want to cry but I can't. I want to hurt myself, but I can't - Dad couldn't handle it. I don't know what to do or where to go...I am lost and I just need someone to hold me and tell me things will be okay. I've been fighting this battle since 1980...why won't it go away? If any of you are believers of prayer, please pray for my parents first and then pray that God will take me home too.....I can't live like this, I just can't.....please help me. Please.

[Omers]

You are in my prayers.
Hugs

[SoupDragon]

Do you have a pdoc or T? Sounds like you are having such a tough time right now. Keep safe and let us know how you're doing. Hugs Soup

[givemeacolour]

We're here to help you through this. Sometimes it helps to talk to someone.

[WishingOnAStar]

Hi Soup - I do have a psychiatrist and a counselor and they want me to see a social worker 2-3 times a week. They all talk about how I need to look at things more positively, but if they were seeing life through my eyes, I think they would understand that it's not that simple. The thought of losing both of my parents in the near future and being left alone (no siblings, close friends or relatives) scares the death out of me). I don't know how I will function. I think I will just whither up and die. Like I said, I just can't take it any more, but I so appreciate you caring enough to reply. It helps to know someone is out there.

[WishingOnAStar]

Thank you, Omers. There is power in prayer, so your prayers are very much appreciated. I am frightened and so scrared of these feelings, yet at the same time, I just don't care about anything. Wish I had a magic wand...I'm sure you know what I mean. Hope you are doing well.

Hey Star! I'm sorry that you're facing all of these things. It sounds like a lot.

I do know how you're feeling. I lost both of my parents several years ago, I'm not all that close to my brother and he's far away anyway. I have one Grandmother that I speak to every couple weeks. I was divorced about 10 years ago. And I don't really have any friends and no other close family. I know alone. It sucks.

And there have been those really bad times where I wanted to call it a day. On the few days where things weren't quite as bad I kept trying to come up with the big grand plan for my life that would keep me going. And I never seemed to find it. I wasted a lot of time looking for that plan.

I guess the only thing I've discovered is that you can only live today. You can't do anything about yesterday. And you can't do much about tomorrow until it's here. So, I learned and am still learning to live today. You find the little things that bring you just a little joy.

I lost my dog recently and against my better judgement I went into a pet store today. They had these 4 little puppies in this little display thingy, where you could pet them. Oh my god, they were cute. I was the only one around so I put my arm in to pet one of them and they all jumped up on my arm and were chewing on my shirt cuff. And they were so happy for the attention. In that moment my sadness went away. Just for a few minutes I had just the most joy in my heart.

You learn to live for those moments, whatever they are. They don't happen all the time and I'm not sure you can make them happen. But if you can learn to recognize that they're happening and relish them, that can sustain you.

Sorry, that got a little long winded. I just wanted you to know that I know a little of how you're feeling and I hope you'll find those little bits of joy that can keep you going.

[Open Eyes]

Xando, that wasn't long winded at all, it was a wonderful post and a good way to look at life, one day at a time is really all we can do in reality, and I agree with you on that.

WishingonaStar, Xando is so right, and the most you can do is try to enjoy your parents when they are still here one day at a time. My parents are both 86 and my mother struggles and I have always been so close to her. I don't know what I will do when that time comes when they will be gone.

I am truely sorry that you are faced with so much struggle, so much has been placed on your shoulders. As for the cleaning of the house and taking better care of your father, there is always going to be something more we could do, should have done, should do etc. The fact that you are there for them is more important than being perfect.

I understand that it is hard but try to let go of the anger, anger is very draining and it does make depression worse. As far as your future? None of us can tell what that will be and there may be bright spots that you have coming that you may never realize until it happens. And as far as being alone, many people have family and others around them and yet are still very alone. The truth is that in many ways we are alone in life as we are all on our own private journey.

But you do have a choice as hard as it is, you can just take your life one day at a time and try to enjoy the moments you have left with your parents.

I will say some prayers for you. Welcome to PC, there are many nice people here that do know what lonely means and they are very supportive and understanding.

Open Eyes

[Marla500]

yes, I second what was previously said, I definitely agree with Xando and Open Eyes. my situation is somewhat similar, although it has calmed down tremendously, but there were times when I didn't think I could go on. I will pray for you and your parents, please please please don't give up
things will get better even if it doesn't seem like it right now, don't try to figure out every thing right now, just get through the next minute, then the next....and as far as seeing the positive, if there is one little thing that makes you happy, like the thought of the puppies chewing on your shirt (I love that!!) or whatever the thought might be, meditate on that all you can.

[popeye]

I am praying for you. Have you ever tried a support group besides here.

[gma45]

I will keep you in my thought's and prayer's and sending a big hug your way everything is going to be ok (((((((((((((wishingonastar)))))))))))))))! diffidently one day at a time! I no longer have my parents on this earth but they will always be with me in my heart and that does give me some comfort. What is stopping you from helping your dad? I think you can do it if you try! Start out small work your way up, I have faith you can do it! You are not a bad person just because you are depressed and don't feel like doing anything. Like I said start small. more hugs((((((((((wishingonastar)))))))))))

[PBJandPICKLES]

What you're feeling is very familiar.

Glad you're here for support. Idk what to say that would help.

Talking to a therapist might help a lot. Or even just make a call to the suicide hotline & hear a real voice - a voice that will not judge or pressure you.

Confession at church may feel good too. Maybe they have ppl at church that can give you more help with your parents and take some of the pressure off you. Taking care of elderly parents is soooo hard. It's like you have no life of your own and you're rearing children. Reverse parenting. Been there & harbor similar guilt.