[backandforth]

I wish I knew how to keep all of this straight.... I wish I knew the difference between just being lethargic, exhausted from my responsibilities, from being depressed, from having no energy due to a lack of nutrition and a lack of sleep, from wanting to si... I wish I knew why I am dissociating, feeling like none of this is real. I can't keep these things straight anymore, they all blend into one big mess, one big black mess suffocating me.... all the days are the same, all the good times mean nothing compared to all the bad times. I freeze up when someone hugs me, I stare off into the distance if someone tells me they love me... I stare into the mirror and- I can't recognize myself. I feel completely out of it, like someone drained all my energy, took away all my emotions, and left... a silhouette, a mask but nothing else. One thing comes smashing down after the other, taking away more of my energy, leaving less and less each day.... until what? What then? WHY am I stuck like this? Why do I feel nothing? I want to do so many things and I can't.... I barely find the energy to type this but I know I don't know where else to turn. I don't know a way out of this....

[jmo531]

Backandforth,

Reading your post has brought tears to me eyes. I can sense and feel the desperation in your post and I am so very sorry your feeling this way. I know all to well what you speak of.

Are you currently seeing a therapist?

So many of us here know how you are suffering and are hear to listen and help you. Please feel free to pm me if you need to, anytime, OK?


Big huggles to you,

Jen

[(JD)]

As my T says, "not an option." I'm sorry you are feeling so low. I think all the stuff you mention is related one to another. Depression does this to us... proper eating and sleeping is a necessary foundation even for those who have no "mental" issues... so much more important for us who do. Try and take care of yourself as best you can. TC

[BlueFaith]

((((backandforth))))
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I know it's terrible. I wish I had the words to make it all go away. I hope you are in therapy. If not, then please consider it. I'm also here if you want to talk to someone. Just PM me anytime.

[Lexicon78]

Are you reading into my soul, too? The thing you wrote about looking into the mirror...I can totally relate to it. Like sometimes I'll look in the mirror and have no idea who the hell is staring back. It's like a total stranger to me.

I'm sorry you are going through all of this right now. If you need to talk, I'm here for you.

[Beautiful_Pain]

{{{{{backandforth}}}}} Sorry things are not so good...nothing to offer but hugs =(

Take care

[backandforth]

you guys are all amazing..... thank you! I feel myself falling into these things where I can't find a way out, and nothing makes sense anymore.... it just all feels very overwhelming- constantly. I wish I really did know a way out. I know there is no quick fix, I try, believe me, but I know at the end of the day I am stuck facing myself and my life.
thank you for saying I can pm you.. and for replying, I feel bad b/c I know all of you are going through a lot of things too, but it feels good to know I'm not completely alone, and trust me, I FEEL alone even though I know I'm not.

to answer your question, I'm not in therapy at the moment, but I'm trying, for once to get to that point. I just can't do it anymore, I really can't. And when I think about it, I'm in my early 20's, life shoudln't be this bad.... not this bad... it'd be nice to think that some day it won't be.... (((((everyone))))) honestly, thanks...

[Azalysa]

Soooo much of this is what I've been feeling, especially this part: </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
I can't recognize myself. I feel completely out of it, like someone drained all my energy, took away all my emotions, and left.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Also, the poster (Sky?) who mentioned nutrition - I know that's something I need to get a handle on. I isolate here in my apartment until I'm totally out of food. Not good but just don't feel I have the energy to get a shower, dress and go out. On the other hand, perhaps it's because I'm not eating correctly that I feel listless....or it's the depression. Who knows?

These forums are wonderful because everyone here has experienced or understands what we deal with re: our illness. {{{{{backandforth}}}}

Please feel free to PM me anytime.

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
And when I think about it, I'm in my early 20's, life shoudln't be this bad.... not this bad...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I began exhibiting symptoms of depression when I was around 22. I wish it weren't so. However, the good news is, with medication I've lived mostly symptom-free, went to grad school mid-life, worked as a therapist....so really, although the bad episodes seem like "my life" (like now), they really have just been a small part of my life.

Warm thoughts...

[backandforth]

(((((Azalysa))))) thanks so much for sharing that with me. it's encouraging to know that some kind of life can be achieved even when a lot of the time it all seems like the exact opposite.... also, I admire the fact that you were able to be a therapist. I am headed towards that direction.