[puzzclar]

I just have to vent, and it may help me.... but i'm not expecting it will. I have a Pain in the Butt Pdoc... or as I call him a Dr. House substitute. I can't stand him anymore, he was asking me about finding a new T, going to the hospital, both of them I don't want, i don't even want to see him. Nothing is taking my mind away from that conversation yesterday, (or Lecture). I know even before he says anything, what he's going to say. I'm fighting a lot, and not making any progress... in finding a new treatment team or even in my studies. I don't even want to study, Which is a first. For the first time in several months I played my main instrument and there was no relieve in playing, and no help in mood. What else can I do. I'm literally SCREAMing inside, no one knows from the outside, I just keep going, and yet I'm in a bad spot.... with no real person around me to try and talk me out of anything, or to talk me into focusing on something else. What more can I do, when all things fail me?

Is there something that will help me to keep my focus on something other than my mindset? Is there Hope?

I'm sorry if you've been asked these questions before, but I feel I need to ask them before I could provide an appropriate response:

1. Are you currently taking any medication?
2. If so, are they at all helpful?
3. Are you currently suicidal?

[puzzclar]

Yes taking meds I could have had a change in them, but felt like just leaving it alone was better than trying new ones... Helping not much, there was an increase on one of them and since then my life has been turned upside down.
3. That should answer that one.

[Rohag]

Originally Posted by puzzclar

For the first time in several months I played my main instrument and there was no relieve in playing, and no help in mood.

That seems significant.

Originally Posted by puzzclar

Is there something that will help me to keep my focus on something other than my mindset? Is there Hope?

Puzzclar, I'm tempted to offer you the non-answer "yes, but...." My experience is the harder I try to distract myself, the less I distract myself, and the more I try to find hope, the less hope is to be found.

May hope find you.

Originally Posted by puzzclar

Yes taking meds I could have had a change in them, but felt like just leaving it alone was better than trying new ones... Helping not much, there was an increase on one of them and since then my life has been turned upside down.
3. That should answer that one.

I see! I can relate to the frustration of trying new meds - ESPECIALLY when they don't work! I would have to assume that your answer to #3 is yes? (Sorry, I'm not very good at translating emoticons!)

[puzzclar]

Yes Rohag, it is very significant, I used to love to play, and now... nothing. And the non answer is a little to true. I'm trying to do something that is bigger than I am. Trying to fight so hard that I'm losing the battle. In the last 24 hours it seems like distractions don't work, and that has direct influence to the hope that appears to be draining.

I know where I should be, but I can't go back, I can't leave live outside the hospital, I have to do something before my choice is taken from me.

[puzzclar]

Your inteprtation is correct.

Ok, so you are suicidal. Of course you know I'm going to voice an opinion you won't like, right?

I understand not liking the hospital, even despising it. Trust me, I've been there 9 times in 3 years. It's not a happy place. And to be honest, it never really helped me EXCEPT by allowing me to find a psychiatrist I mesh well with, find proper diagnoses, and by providing me a safe place when I'm suicidal.

My pdoc and I established that the hospital would only be beneficial to me now if I felt suicidal. Our current plan is, if I feel suicidal, I get admitted to the hospital until the feeling goes away. Simple and beneficial.

I know you don't want to hear (or rather, read) it, but if you really are suicidal, I would recommend you be admitted to the psych hospital. Maybe you just need a few days, maybe a few weeks. But who cares, really, if it's going to help save your life? With that mindset, a few weeks doesn't seem like all that much.

Maybe the hospital admission will give you time to find a psychiatrist you get along well with, you could also play with the dosages of your meds...or try new ones. I can picture you groaning while reading this, because I know how frustrating it is to go back to square one after working so hard to get better.

When someone is suicidal, I really don't see any other alternative. (An exception is to someone with BPD or depression who may feel suicidal daily but doesn't intend to go through with it). But you sound like you're serious. I hope you'll at least give this some thought.

[puzzclar]

To be completely honest.... Finding a pdoc that is a good one... seems like it wont happen. Even talking about finding a good one or the possibility of an admittance, doesn't sound even good right now. I have a test on Friday, and a lab due next week. I have work on Tuesday and I can't cancel on them. Yes it's all stress all the time right now. Calling someone to try and help me study sounds like an impossible task. In my mind there has to be a way for something else to work. I don't have a good T right now and my classes take up their office hours.

I'm at a stalemate with my current T, and a standoff with my pdoc. I have 8 days to figure out what in the world I want to do about the pdoc, and the questions he will ask, which I already know. I've been through this all before, I know both sides, I've studied Suicide, and intervention. I'm a Psychology major, and understand Depression well enough to write a book about it, with studies done from other people. I can easily talk to the doc using persuasion, which I"m currently studying. I can do this, I know I can.

It's the simple fact that my pdoc doesn't understand me that's bugging me the most. I feel like the people who understand me have gone through this, but the professionals don't understand me at all. NONE of it makes sense in there mind, and when they explain it, well if feels like a lecture. I know this better than they do, I"m living through it, and can't explain my feelings to well. Trying to get them to figure out that I don't know what exact thoughts are triggering me, but I do see all of the pictures in my mind. I see pictures, I see different possibilities, I see and feel good and bad things. And trying to tell someone what I see is next to impossible. NONE of my treatment team understands me... and I mean they don't understand me, they don't know how to help me. I know what they are going to say before they say it. What more can I do?

[madisgram]

i understand u're frustrated and don't feel validated. can u start your session off with that?

[puzzclar]

no, no one really understands the way i think, and trying to get them to understand ahsn't worked yet.