how worried should I be? / what should I do? (SUICIDE)

okay so I have a friend who is saying she's going to be gone soon. she's making presents to give to her therapists to say goodbye.

I don't know her well enough to know how serious she is. I know that you are meant to take everything really seriously which I'm trying to. the thing is that she's said that she 100% won't be here the next day and then the next day comes and she's okay and hasnt attempted anything. I've also heard from someone else who knows her that she tends to make things up or exaggerate things. the other thing is her main therapist knows her plans and what she's doing and hasn't acted and put her in hospital or anything...

so what I want to know is what can I do? and how worried should I be?

I'm really struggling myself right now and this is only making me worse... I hate sounding like a b***h but I really need to know because I can't cope with loosing her but I'm also really not coping listening to her say things like this.

please, any advice?

Dear Quiet One,

You're in a very tough situation. And your concern for your friend is admirable. You tell us that you're in contact with other friends of hers. They have passed along information to you that seems to downgrade the urgency of her situation.

If I were you and really wanted to help, I don't think I would rely on the assurances these other acquaintances have given you as to exaggeration or her therapist. I'd get the name and telephone number of that therapist, call him or her, and express my concern. I would do the same with any family member of hers whose name and number I could find. You cannot know for certain just what she's capable of. So to be on the safe side I'd tell her therapist and family.

I do not believe your responsibility would go further than that. In fact, I don't know what else you could do or who else you could talk to. It's a terrible situation to be in. But you're doing the best you can, and that's all you can do. Take care.

thanks for your reply.. the problem is a know her through a forum like this.. I've met her a few times but don't have any contacts for her. and I've just moved interstate...

QO, I seriously think you need to worry about you considering you aren't feeling terribly safe right now.

I know and I'm trying to.. but I know that if she does something and I could have stopped it it'll be my fault she's gone. and I couldn't live with that.

plus when she msgs me it's all she talks about so its hard to ignore.

I keep thinking I should distance myself and just not speak to her then I won't know if she does anything. then it can't hurt me.

but I have a feeling that will make her worse..

I just don't know what to do and I know I'm not thinking straight but I keep thinking if I do it first she can't hurt me..

It's NOT your fault at all. She is making the choice. You can't stop her from that nor should you feel any guilt whatsoever.
You need to tell her to get help from someone more qualified. That is where your responsibility ends.
Tell her calmly that she is triggering you and that you can't help her. YOUR wellbeing overrides anyone else's especially right now.

she's currently having a major meltdown which i'm trying to talk her out of doing anything.. and it's because a friend didn't tell her about getting raped... if i tell her i can't handle her then she will try something.

i just need it all to stop...

Just as I'm trying to talk you in to doing something

Look after yourself first. Self care and all that jargon.

You are no good to anyone else when you're worse off than they are.

i know.. thankyou.. i'm sorry for putting all this on you.

she's taking a long time to reply to my msg.. i actually feel physically sick.. i can't loose her..

my cousins partner just came into my room to check i wasn't doing anything cuz i'm meant to be asleep.. i know i should have told him but i couldn't..

He should have taken the phone away

And you're not putting anything on me. I CHOSE to reply

i'm on my laptop and just said i was on facebook..

if you get too triggered please stop replying/reading..

she still hasn't replied.. really freaking out now.. she posted on the forum in her thread saying "it doesnt matter anymore. tears wont stop and it doesnt matter" after i told her to call someone..

Look, you've done everything you can. She isn't your responsibility even though you feel she is.
She keeps saying she's not going to be here the next day but she hasn't done anything. She's crying out for attention, for someone to help her but that someone is not you.

i know that you are right, honestly i do.. but it doesn't help the feelings.. now she won't reply all night and probably most of the day tomorrow.. and then if she's okay she'll reply and act as though nothing has happened.

i am trying to stay calm.. i really am.. i have an therapist appt at 9.30am that i had wanted to go to not tired because the first appt i went to i had had no sleep at all the night before cuz i was in ED.. but now i'm going to be up all night worrying and not sleeping. FML.

I agree with Flooded. You seem to be doing everything you can to help someone else while you need to focus on yourself.

i don't know how to focus on myself when i'm so worried about her.

i have been up since before 4am its now 12.40am and i can't sleep.. i need sleep and i need to get to that appt.

i just don't see either happening.

It sounds to me she wants you to be worried about her. Emotional blackmail.

yeah sometimes thats what i think... but then i think what if she's for real.

she said she just called a helpline and they told her to call back tomorrow and talk to the person she usually talks to.

i'm thinking of calling a helpline.. i know my usual counsellor isnt on but i think it might help..

Look after you

i'm calling now.

thanks

okay she's doing it again.. she posted this :
"if anyone even dares to get in contact with anyone on my team... well it will be one sure way to both lose my trust and friendship no matter how close we may be.

no one can do anything. they keep saying "well I'm not giving up on you and as long as I am working I wont ever" they cant do anything though... its like trying to pump up a flat bike tire when it has a hole in it - useless and a waste of bloody time.

the vomitting is back. it was horrible. and so was the endless tears lastnight/ early this morning. there just seems to be no fight left in me.

I begged T to give me back my meds today. deep down I knew I wouldnt get them but I ****ing need them. they are mine. mine mine MINE!!!!! its not like I'm gona use them to kill myself? that would be just stupid! and like thats what the trains are there for!!!

before group started tonight a few people were talking about some stuff that really triggered me. it was a subject matter that should never have been brought up and its just made me wana kill myself even more cuz i just know it will work and no one, no one can stop me!!! and add in an o/d before hand.... my body wont be able to cope and revive itself. I can taste the freedom. its getting so close and I can taste freedom for the first time in my life and its bloody amazing

I spent so long working on something for T last night/early this morning (I couldnt sleep so thought I may as well do something productive!!) its getting there slowly and i probably wont be able to sleep tonight so gona do some more work on it soon and hopefully get it finished. then just gota find the address and send it off to her. wait a few days until I know she has received it and watched it. and then leave before her or the supervisors can do anything to stop me. they have already called the ambos and cops on me once each since 2005 and lets not go for a 3rd! and why do i want to wait til i know she has seen it? cuz i want the opportunity to really say goodbye to her and know that she knows she has done nothing at all wrong and me leaving is just what needs to happen.

i think my butterfly has really pushed me over the edge. i was meant to meet her in december but now she isnt even coming over to oz. but thats ok. it will all be ok in the end.

N is really pissing me off. trying to get me to keep living each fortnight and all cuz i tell her she should watch certain movies and then when she does she wants to talk to me about it. i dont think i can wait another fortnight though i really dont.

me writing. talking. kinda freaking me out. its not in a scary way but more that 'wow' ive finally made a descision and i am sticking to this. there wont be any going back.

i gota see pdoc tomorrow though so on comes the fake mask cuz i cant have her putting me in hospital i cant. i have my 'babies' to look after

sorry. so sorry.

i will see pdoc tomorrow and see what comes out of it i guess?
i kinda really suck at lying so who knows... the 2% of me that doesnt wana die may speak up?

who knows anymore?
who knows what will happen!!"

how am i meant to respond to that? and how the **** do i know if she's for real or if she just wants attention.. i hate sounding harsh but it feels like she just does this and sends msgs to worry me just for the attention.
but if i don't help her and she is really going to do it then it will be my fault.

i can't handle this right now.. not on top of everything else...

defriend her immediately.

i keep thinking i should do that.. so i stop replying to msgs and reading her posts.. but she keeps msging me until i reply.. and then she says something like that and stops msging.

i feel like i should just tell her to stop attention seeking and to use her professional supports if she's really struggling but i'm scared of loosing her, either her hating me or her being dead..

i'm trying to keep it together and support her but i'm struggling so much myself it's hard..

TheQuietOne, the only person we are responsible for is ourselves. I know that it can be hard to see that sometimes, but it's true.

My neighbour attempted suicide a couple of months ago & I was called upon to attempt CPR. Luckily she survived; the only thing was she was paralysed down one half of her body due to her brain being starved of oxygen before I arrived. For several weeks I blamed myself as being responsible for her being paralysed, until it finally sunk in that it was HER DECISION to do that. She took the risk of dying/serious injury when she did what she did. I just did the best I could in a horrendous situation, the same as anybody would. The same as you are trying to do for your friend.

I think what you suggested about telling her to contact professionals is spot on. Also tell her that, even though you really care about her, the fear that she is going to commit sui is seriously hurting you and that you can't be there for her the way her T/pdoc can. I hope she gets help, for both of your sakes, but at the end of the day that decision lies with her, and her alone. Don't take responsibility for her actions.

All the best,

*Willow*

TheQuietOne, I have read through this thread many many times and I have wondered what to say. As someone who has been suicidal more times than I can count that when I made the attempt I TOLD NO ONE. If you met her in a forum like this and have no contacts in which to call to get her help then you need to let her go. Defriend/block her in everyway. That sounds really cold but this is distressing you and what she is doing to you isnt fair seeing as there is no way for you to help her. Second if her main therapist knows and has chosen NOT to put her in the hospital then she has a professional who can do something if and when the time comes. If she is attention seeking/exaggerating this way she needs to learn that this is a good way to lose friends. That is an extremely stressful situation you are in. She has been saying this for a while and has done nothing.
I have question given all the FACTS you have given us...what would you do if she somehow covinced you she was serious? You would still be in this very situation...stuck with no way to do anything. Let her go...this is extremely unhealthy and is stressing you out. TAKE CARE OF YOU.

i decided to post about it where she could read it this is what i posted:
"she know's how much i'm struggling.. yet she keeps doing it.. i know how much she is struggling so i try to support her.. i know she is struggling and i'm not trying to ignore that but not everything is about her and saying things to make people worry about her is not a way to have friends, infact if she keeps it up she's going to loose them.. she needs to take a step back stop making things look worse than they are and if she's really struggling use her professional supports and stop leaning on her friends so much to the point where she tells them she's going to kill herself on x day but there's nothing anyone can do. she needs help, i'm not denying that, but they way she's going about it is the wrong way. she needs to talk to her professional supports and stop telling her friends that things are worse/more serious than they really are. and yes i sound harsh but she is making me so much worse and if she doesn't stop it she will no longer be a part of my life."

i hope she gets the message and if she confronts me i;m not sure what i'm going to do.. but it will probably end badly.