No Plan

i have no plan for now.But i will say this.that i have no fight or will in me to go on. i am just existing here. there is no hope. there is no laughter anymore. and what of it there is ... its a mask. i am good at it. no one can really tell irl what is real when that mask is on. and that is good. my secret is out here however now. if and when the time comes , he says he wants a divorce , i am gone. that is what i know today.

May tomorrow be a little different, a little better.
May your view shift just enough to give you a bit of a break.
May you sleep and eat well and some day soon find something that makes you laugh.
May you know that you are worthy of love and life.

Thank you Sarah for this.

{{{{{beth}}}}}

I love what SarahL said. Can't add anything to that but want you to know I care.

your nice ty Azalysa

(((((((((((((Bethy))))))))))))

I understand how you feel.

you never know when its your time to emerge from your recovery cocoon and find healing wings. Don't stop the process early. There is something beautiful happening when the pressures on. The more you have faith.. the more you grow. I'm so sorry its painful. I wish i could hold your hand through this. I wouldnt choose this road for you, but its there. I have faith in you.

(((((((Jen))))))) I know hon I know.Your gonna be ok .

Esthersvirtue~
there is no recovery in sight for me.the hope is gone. nothing is left but to just exist. Your sentiment has a beautiful meaning. but its just not going to happen for me. I'm sorry.

((((((((((Tryin2bme))))))))))

ty (((((((((((( EV))))))))))))))

Try to hang in there. I know you are in a dark place right now, but you will eventually find the light.

Bethy whatever I'm going to say is not because I'm judging you but because I want you to think about it.

You have been with this man for a long time. What you know today is that you have passed the most of your adult life living with this person. But you don't know about living alone or living with someone else or living without anyone hurting you or living a complete different life. How do you know it cannot be better. How do you know if peace cannot be find by living a different life.

What does that man bring to you? Make 2 lists. One positive and one negative.

Do you know how much people that work in "familly violence" can help you out and start new? Well they can help you. That I'm sure off.

Do you know that being a wife of this man for so long you can fight and get almost half of what he has if he go with the divorce thing.

Pills for blood pressure? If you don't take them and your pressure go too up, yes, you can have a heart attack but also a stroke, whit this last one, you will be paralyze on one side of you body for the rest of your life. Right now you can walk, talk, do whatever you want physically. Be careful please do not take the chance of being paralyze and be much worst then you are now.

Right now you are living day by day with a threat on your shoulder. A divorce threat. " Do this and do that" and there will not be any divorce. "Say this and say that" and there will not be any divorce. This doesn't make any sense.

I don't know your husband Bethy. I can only go by what you say. What I think of all this? He doesn't deserve you. YOU are much more then he is.

This is said because I care. Do not hurt yourself or die because of him.

(((((((((((Bethy)))))))))))))

Well ya say you have no plan not taking your BP pills is a sure plan to disaster, cut the russian roullette and get back on your pills, what you told me earlier was it true or just a mask covering friends don't do this Bethy, stop , get the support from NAMI they can help, or don't you want help?????

Bethy,

Time0 has made some very valid points there. You really are worth more than the way that your husband treats you. You deserve better than this! What are you afraid of about the idea of divorce? I understand that divorce is hard, and uncomfortable, and even painful, but sometimes there are good reasons for divorce. Has this subject been discussed in your marriage counseling? I know that you don't want a divorce. But you are not happy the way things are either, and I don't know your husband but some of the things you have said don't show a very high likelihood that he is going to change. Which would be a bigger failure - getting a divorce and establishing a better life for yourself, or giving up on life entirely? I would see finding a life that allows you to be you, and to reach your potential as a tremendous success, regardless of whether or not you stay married through that process.

Rap

for a gal as extraordinary as you, there is nothin but hope....harness it and hang on...you know we're behind you....grace

thanks guys. .. i'm trying to think things over. just so hard.